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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stick up for teenage son

20 replies

bankofmum · 15/02/2013 21:13

I have been with my partner for 11 years and we never argue apart from over my son. I am not his birth mother but have been his carer since he was 4. He is 17 next month and I have had afew problems with him the last few years. Hes left school, academic work was always a struggle annd us doing well at college (construction). He was smoking dope but promises he has now stopped and I cant see any signs. He is still staying with his birth mother every weekend. My DP is on his case all the time, says he should get a job (I get money to look after him). The problem is her children (yes Im gay) dont live with us and can do no wrong. I am the main breadwinner shes been unemployed and now has low paid part time job but dictates how much I should spend on him and everything else. He has withdrawn and spends all time in his room. He does dishwasher, bins, his room, bathroom, chops logs and anything else we ask but does need reminding, AIBU to think she is being unreasonable? Sorry this is so long

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 15/02/2013 21:32

What would your partner say was 'wrong' with him? If he is doing well at college, brings money into the house and does chores, even being reminded, he's a lot better than I was as a teenager. If he's at college, does he need a job as well?

changeforthebetter · 15/02/2013 21:37

YANBU - he is effectively your son. He pulls his weight (with a bit of nagging - big deal - he does it). I think she IBU if she won't accept any criticism of her DCs but will dole to out to yours. Poor lad - he can't be unaware of this Hmm Please stand your ground for his sake.

Original poster
bankofmum · 15/02/2013 21:45

She thinks so. Because college is 4 days a week with loads of holidays. He can be a bit lazy unless pushed. He did have a part time cleaning job but they "let him go" because he had to clean 14 rooms in 4 hours and he missed stuff. He has issues looking after stuff has trashed 2 new bikes but its hard to get a job nowadays but she doesnt think he looks hard enough. To be honest Im at the end of my tether, I have a really demanding job and I dont think hes that bad. I think she has real issues about money because his mum has never worked and is on benefits and been to prison but thats not his fault. We (me and DS) moved out 2 years ago for 6 months and DS moved back to mum for a year but I persuaded him to come back on weekdays as easier for college. I know no easy solution but so upset tonight just wanted to offload

OP posts:
Footface · 15/02/2013 21:47

Poor boy, feel quite sorry for him

Mynewmoniker · 15/02/2013 21:47

"...we never argue apart from over my son."

Perhaps your son in the outlet for other frustrations? Could your partner be jelous of your attention/care given to him? Worth checking.

Mabelface · 15/02/2013 21:49

Your partner needs to have it reaffirmed that you and your son came as a package, and she needs to get off his back.

MrsLouisTheroux · 15/02/2013 21:49

Yes, she IBU. Stick up for him, help him. He sounds ok on the whole. Just struggling.

MumsKnitter · 15/02/2013 21:49

Def stand up for him. I currently have the 17 year old from hell - won't clear anything without multiple remindings, and half an hour of arguing and who verbally abuses me daily. Can we swap please, yours sounds so much nicer!

usualsuspect · 15/02/2013 21:52

Of course you should stick up for him.

Who else will, if you don't?

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/02/2013 21:55

He sounds lovely, actually. Considering he had a rough start he's doing really well. It sounds like DP has the parental feeling to be annoyed with his issues but not to revel in his successes. That is sad for him and her.

Original poster
bankofmum · 15/02/2013 21:57

Thanks everyone, knew answer really, just needed some support tonight

OP posts:
sue52 · 15/02/2013 22:12

He sounds like a good teenager who went off the rails for a bit but is now doing well. Why is your partner making the financial decisions about your son if you are the main breasdwinner and you get an allowance for looking after him?

DameFanny · 15/02/2013 22:28

Hang on, your dp isn't working but dictates how you spend money?

bringbacksideburns · 15/02/2013 22:39

She sounds jealous of him. I presume at some point you have had to help support her when she was unemployed if you live together, so what's her issue? He sounds like a typical 17 year old and you have obviously done a good job with him. She should cut him some slack. Why don't her kids live with her and what are they doing?

How has she been with him in the past or is she just acting like this now?

SquinkiesRule · 15/02/2013 22:49

Your partner isn't as nice as she'd like to think she is. You and your boy come as a package, and he sounds like a pretty normal 17 year old, they all need a prod to get stuff done and he is going to college construction training wasn't it?
She sounds very controlling, maybe she should get a better job or a second job if she is so worried about money.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 15/02/2013 23:31

The thing with being a 17 year old is, people tend to think "oh they've left school, they're all grown up" when in a lot of ways, they aren't - they still need a lot of parenting.
I wonder if your partner just thinks that now he's "almost adult" he doesn't need you anymore, but of course, he does need you - you're his mum and you love him.

bumperella · 16/02/2013 22:40

He's doing well at college, he pulls his weight at home. OK, so he used to smoke dope, but appears to have stopped now, and yes, you need to prompt him to do some chores. He sounds like a normal, nice lad.

DizzyZebra · 16/02/2013 23:43

Apart from the dope, He doesn't sound different from any other boy of his age. My brothers are 16 and 21 and both need reminding to get off their arses and help out once in a while - Not so much the 21 year old as he's not at home now - They both willingly help though.

The 21 year old will do just about anything for me - He helped me decorate my house after i had to move following a burglary and OH losing his job, all for the measley 4 cans of fosters that i could afford to buy as a thankyou.

Monty27 · 16/02/2013 23:47

He sounds lovely OP.

Is there anything lovely about your DP? Haven't heard anything so far.

LadyBeagleEyes · 16/02/2013 23:53

Your poor son Sad.

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