AIBU to think this is inappropriate?

[prozacbear]

DP and I work in the same company - he is more senior.

I have been doing a project for him and it's been a pretty unsuccessful day - culminating in a change of brief from DP, which for some reason wasn't communicated to me correctly, or I didn't interpret correctly - the 'brief' has changed a couple of times already. This project very much needs to be done, to the point where people on the team are getting a bit tetchy about it. When the miscommunication came about, three people were talking and I, irritated, raised my voice and said, "Well why didn't you tell me such and such" - I accept raising voices isn't appropriate, but in the context, I hope understandable, and it definitely isn't a silent office generally.

At this point, another (female) senior member of the team turned around and said loudly, "Does she talk to you like this at home?"

To which DP replied, "No, she doesn't" - I couldn't interpret his tone, I think he was a bit taken aback, not sure.

And then she said, "Well if it was me, I would-" and mimed two slaps on each side of the face i.e. suggesting that he should do that to me.

I then said, "Oh, are we advocating that, now?" at which point she turned around. I sent an email to DP saying that if this happens again, I will be complaining, and he has responded saying we'll talk 'later'.

I know this sort of thing happens when colleagues get into relationships, but am still royally pissed off at how she dealt with it - we were talking about a work issue and - just, grrr.

She has form in snapping at people, but this feels too much. Mostly the slapping motion! AIBU?

And yes, I am leaving the company very shortly, thank god.

Sounds like a very, very poor attempt at humour and trying to defuse the situation. Not appropriate but then neither are raised voices.

You shouldn't have been raising your voice.

She shouldn't have bought 'at home' into it.

The slap mimming bit is pathetic.

All sounds a bit of a mess. Yes, talk to your DP. But go and enjoy your weekend and all will be right on Monday.

personally I think it's totally out of order, it undermines you in every way and suuggests that you are not allowed to voice an opinion about a work issue because of the relationship you have with a member of staff.

I would complain.

Yes, I accept the raised voices weren't appropriate.

Unfortunately it was one of those situations where people were getting stressed (another colleague was involved) about a miscommunication, and both of us were looking to DP as the manager to solve it, hence people talking over each other and raised voices.

This female colleague snaps (with a raised voice) at people all the time, so for her to do this feels hypocritical.

I think perhaps it's a symptom of the entire business being low on morale and high on stress - both my reactions and this woman's - she's generally quite nice. I'll be out of here soon, but felt humiliated by her mime.

You're leaving the company so just let it go.

I would complain now tbh.

Completely inappropriate.

Thanks DuelingFanjo - yes, that's how I feel. As soon as DP and I's relationship was public knowledge, things were different. I can't wait to leave.

This colleague has been pulled up on her tone before, and I want to make sure that she's aware it was inappropriate. As CailinDana says, I'm about to leave, otherwise I would make a formal complaint - there is a difference between people raising voices about a business issue (which happens pretty regularly here!), and what she did.

I'd just like to acknowledge it.

You shouldn't have raised your voice, her reaction to that was completely unacceptable (she, or your DP, should have said something along the lines of 'I think we all need to calm down a bit') and your DP should have told her how you behaved at home was irrelevant, and as for the suggestion you need a slap! Well. If she was a man you wouldn't even stop to think about complaining about that.

Who is more senior, her or your DP? I think it should go up a level yet to her manager because what she said about you needing a slap was completely inappropriate.

I would complain. Imagine if a male colleague advocated domestic violence like that! 'Jokes' are only jokes when they're funny. Domestic violence is never funny.

I know, I know I shouldn't have raised my voice - bloody regret it now.

She and DP are at the same level - I don't want to create trouble but it annoyed be SO much - it wasn't funny, it was humiliating and demeaning for me, and it advocated domestic violence - when I tried to pull her up on that, she moved away.

I could go to her manager but he's very, very senior and it would open a can of worms. I could send her an email?

Given I'm leaving, I don't want to create too much of a fuss iyswim, it would be horrid to end a great career here under a cloud.

I wouldn't say anything at all, your DH has seen her awful behaviour and is going to work with her in future. He can look out for other similar things.
You are leaving, just go without a backward glance.
I always wondered what it would be like to work with my DH, but reading your story has put me off! (In the nicest possible way)

It's rubbish isn't it? Whenever a couple have a relationship at work, the more junior party (normally female) stops being treated with respect. It happens over and over again. i'd always advise against relationships at work for that reason (and it's always the more junior person who ends up feeling they have to get a new job)

tak1ngchances don't do it! It's a social minefield and I am glad to get out of it. It will also be better for our relationship once I've left.

I'm certainly interested to see how DP handles our talk later.

Interestingly, DontmindifIdo, I feel this is actually the first time it's directly happened, but I can see that it would happen more and more. I noticed she didn't seem to think that he was in any way to 'blame' for the raised voices i.e. he can't possibly have done anything to result in it happening - rather, it must have been all my doing.

It is rubbish, but at least I'm moving on to a much better job, rather than just jumping ship.

I don't know. If she has quite a daft sense of humor and meant nothing by it, I wouldn't mind. But otherwise, I'd probably mention it to a superior - maybe not DH.

YANBU, her reaction was inappropriate. Although raised voices don't help either. However, if you and your DP are always scrupulously professional, there's no excuse for anyone else to bring your relationship into work meetings. Given that you don't want to open a can of worms and allowing for perhaps, a heat of the moment comment, it might be that you don't want to make an official complaint but I still think you should tell her how inappropriate you thought her comments were.

I do have experience of this, as it happens, since DP and I were both in charge of a specific local government service but in adjoining counties. As a result, we often attended the same regional meetings. Most people in those meetings knew that we were a couple outside work but DP and I took enormous care to keep home and work separate. For all that, someone did once say to me, in confidence, that they had a secret longing for him to respond to one of my opinions with "Yes, dear." However, this was a private comment and taken in the spirit of good humour intended. The exchange you describe was not, in any shape of form, amusing.

I think I'm going to leave it - I'm only here for a week longer, I don't think it wise to fill that week with HR meetings and stress.

But, I will have that talk with DP and advise he watches out for her - she can make colleagues feel pretty bad, which is definitely not a positive trait in a manager.

Thanks all for your input - I know I shouldn't have raised my voice but feel vindicated by knowing her reaction was inappropriate.