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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To turndown a days childcare from MIL

21 replies

GirlOutNumbered · 15/02/2013 16:07

So, I have two boys and am due to go back to work shortly. DS1 is nearly three and DS2 is 8 months. Before I had DS2 I worked four days, my mum would have him two days a week, MIL once and he would go to childminder for the other day.
This time, my mum has agreed to do two days again, but MIL doesn't want to have both, she only wants to look after the eldest. Which is absolutely fine, but I don't feel comfortable splitting the boys up. I would rather they both went to a childminder for two days, rather than one go to childminder and the other spend the day with his grandma.... I know it will cost more money, but I think it will be easier for little one if he sees his brother there.
I am dreading telling MIL, will she think I am being unreasonable? Am I?

OP posts:

JohnBender88 · 15/02/2013 16:11

YANBU. Although the boys will be split up eventually when it's time for the eldest to go to school I see where you're coming from.

Also my opinion is that it may result in your eldest having a stronger bond with your MIL than the youngest, this could cause favouritism and jealousy.

adeucalione · 15/02/2013 16:12

YANBU - I would do exactly the same thing. It's much easier to drop them/collect them from one location, and nicer for them to be together I would've thought.

I don't think she will be offended as your reasoning is sound, just as long as you don't try to make her feel guilty for only feeling able to manage one.

timidviper · 15/02/2013 16:13

No, not at all. There is also the risk of your youngest feeling left out when he is old enough to realise. I once turned down a place at a very sought after school for my eldest as the school would not offer the youngest a place. Some friends thought we were mad but we felt being part of a family is more importan than the "best" school.

Marcheline · 15/02/2013 16:14

I'm going to have this problem when I go back to work. My mum looks after DD (3) one day a week but I'm due next week an when I go back to work she won't be able to cope with two.

DD loves her days with granny and I dont want to stop that, but I worry about it being unfair.

Has your mil said that she doesn't want both boys because she can't cope with two? As long as it's not favouritism, I think I would have to think really carefully about it. Isit possible for her tolook after DS1 one week and DS2 the next? So they alternate?

I don't know if that's realistic or sonethingthat a childminder would agree to anyway, but I feel for you and am not lookingforward to having to make this decision myself in 6 months.

Florin · 15/02/2013 16:17

I would keep them together it's not fair to split them as eldest will have a stronger bond with Granny and think of her as his Granny. When the little one is old enough to understand he is going to feel really upset being sent to nursery while eldest gets a lovely day being spoilt by Granny you are asking for sibling rivalries.
Plus it will be such a pain doing 2 drop off and pick ups

RicStar · 15/02/2013 16:19

Could mil have ds1 for a day when you dm has ds2. Of course means paying for 2 days at childminder but avoids saying no to mil? I dont think yabu but i do think it is good mil wants to help out.

whitemonkey · 15/02/2013 16:20

Could you ask your mum to alternate having each of the children with your mil on one of her 2 days? I know it doesn't solve the problem of paying for 2 days of child care but it would resolve the mil issue and each child could have individual attention with the grandmothers.

atthewelles · 15/02/2013 16:21

It could balance out though because when your eldest starts school the younger child could then start going to his grandma for that day instead.

BranchingOut · 15/02/2013 17:05

Is this just at the moment or would she be happier having him once he is out of the baby stage?

Original poster

GirlOutNumbered · 15/02/2013 17:32

I'm not sure why she doesn't want both, probably as she is on her own and she feels she couldn't cope. DS1 is incredibly easy child too and she has also got a crazy idea that DS2 doesn't like her, but it's really on,y because he cried alot when she was here as he was tired!
I'm glad some of you think the reasoning is okay, I don't want to hurt her feelings, I just don't really want to be juggling two kids around, when they could just be together.

OP posts:

Yfronts · 15/02/2013 17:33

Just tell her it wouldn't be fair to send one to the childminders and the other to granny.

Yfronts · 15/02/2013 17:34

Or maybe you could agree as long as she had a day with DS2 alone too at a later date

Inertia · 15/02/2013 17:43

I'd tell her that it's logistically too awkward to get them to different places when you are on your way to work, and that you don't want to treat them differently.

2cats2many · 15/02/2013 17:46

YANBU. Its difficult to pick up and drop off at two different places. You'll have to do it soon enough. Its completely reasonable to want to postpone it for as soon as possible.

ChristmasJubilee · 15/02/2013 17:50

Could she have ds1 for a few hours on a day you are not at work. It would be easier to shop with 1 ds or you could take ds2 swimming.

Crawling · 15/02/2013 18:00

YANBU I wouldnt split them just say you dont have time to drop off at two locations and want them to stay together.

blossombath · 15/02/2013 18:07

yanbu I agree it might seem like favouritism and will be complicated dropping off in different places. I would explain your thoughts too her - emphasising that you are really pleased she wants to be involved and (if this is true) you'd like to find a compromise eg the alternate weeks idea.

Maybe she could take them both once DS2 is older and she has had time to realise he doesn't not like her.

mercibucket · 15/02/2013 18:18

Is the elder one starting at a school nursery soon? Maybe mil could look after him in the afternoon after nursery, on the understanding it would be the same for the younger one when he started at nursery? The younger one wouldn't really know it was happening for quite a while and then it would soon be their turn anyway

mercibucket · 15/02/2013 18:18

Original poster

GirlOutNumbered · 15/02/2013 18:22

great advice, thankyou....
I think I will ask her to have DS1 on a sat morning or similar so that she can have some time with him.

OP posts:

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 15/02/2013 18:31

I agree, so long as you can make sure that she knows you are really grateful for the offer but would like to keep the boys together I think you are more than reasonable :)

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