To not want ds staying at Dp parents

[ThedementedPenguin]

My partner is taking me away next Tues-Wed. Originally 5 month ds was meant to come but now we have decided to go just us.

Dp wants ds to stay at his parents house. I disagree as I don't feel comfortable with the idea. PIL where great when I was expecting but changed quite a bit when ds was born.

A few examples when ds was 4 days old my Dp and his family all made me feel like I couldn't cope so should therefore leave my ds with his mum for a few hours while I 'slept', I cried the whole time then went down and took my ds.

Over the next week or so anytime my ds cried she grabbed him out of my arms saying I'll do this I know better.

More recently, whenever I go to take my ds from her she walks away or says I'm fine here just leave him. She also disagrees with every decision I do with regards to ds because she has 4 kids she knows better.
She is constantly buying us things we don't use, the wrong milk, clothes too small.

I am slowly getting the confidence to stand up for what I want but it is taking time.

I would prefer my ds stayed with my mum, she is happy to use a holiday from work to look after him. She knows how I want ds raised and follows everything I say exactly. For example I don't want to wean ds until 6 months, she has suggested early weaning but once I explained my plan she agrees. My dm would never force what she thinks. Maybe it's because I can talk more openly with my mum.

Okay back to the dilemma, I have explained to Dp that I would rather bring ds with us than leave him at his parents. He has come back with 'I understand what you mean, but I am asking you to'.

Am I unreasonable to reply saying what about my feelings? I truly don't think I'll enjoy myself as ill worry too much about ds. I would prefer ds to stay at my mums house.

Should I put my foot down? WWYD? AIBU?

Just to clarify with everyone. This discussion is just between me and him. We have not yet asked my mum or his to look after ds. So it's not like I asked her to have him then changed my mind

Why the urgency to leave him behind though, if you feel so uncomfortable?

There is no urgency, it was something we were discussing,

Okay back to the dilemma, I have explained to Dp that I would rather bring ds with us than leave him at his parents. He has come back with 'I understand what you mean, but I am asking you to'.

Sounds more like your DP deciding than a discussion, IMO.

I have just come back to say thank you to everyone who posted, either telling me I was either BU or NBU.

My Dp had a talk with her to tell her how I was feeling, she was mortified that she had upset me as she never meant to and was very upset about the whole thing. I'm going to clear the air with her tomorrow. As I really don't want her to be upset at it all.

The last thing I want is to have no relationship with her at all as we usually get on so well. Things should never have got this bad, but maybe this will be kick up the ass I need in order to talk more with her. As having her in my life and my ds' life is so important to me.

I have decided that I am going to let ds stay with her, as she always would put my ds first and I never doubted that.

I think my main problem in all of this was my anger, I was so angry and upset by what she said but she had no idea as it was always too awkward to tell her.

Thanks again

Penguin I'm glad things are being discussed, it is the best way :)

FWIW when I first met my now MIL I thought 'blimey can I get on with this woman?'.

But she is a kind and caring woman, a little inclined to be selfish but I can understand that after the life she has had. She loves DH, and she loves me and she loves our boys.
She came to stay with me when DH went back to work after I had a c-section. She held DS1 endlessly while I got a shower, slept and brought me hot tea and cold water while I breastfed.

If you can get past the initial elbowing for supremacy that seems to happen to some extent then it is lovely getting on with your MIL, because they have insight into your husband that you can only get from her - and it is lovely :)

Well obviously I don´t know your MIL, but I find it hard to think that an adult can say to another "I know better, blah blah..." & not realise that they are causing upset.

Especially when it is about their child!

This is what my MIL would do-essentially make me feel bad for the things she had said to me!

Of course, she was only ever upset/mortified when called on it!

You picked your Dp and chose to have a child with him presumably because he is a decent man. It would therefor stands to reason that his mother isn't a complete numpty and knows what to do with children.

Why does him being a decent man mean it "stand to reason" that his mother knows what to do with children SparklyVampire?

My DH is a thoroughly decent man - but not because of his mother, who incidentally raised five children. The same mother who systematically neglected my DH and physically and emotionally abused him. Yes she "raised" five children - and yes my DH is a decent man. The two are TOTALLY separate though. He is decent because he does not wish to be like his mother, so he generally does the opposite of what she did.

FWIW my DD has never, and will never be left with my MIL. There is a civilised truce in place, but visits are massively limited and time alone is zero. She does have good qualities but she was, and is, an appalling mother. Many people and factors influence children as they grow up and any one of these can instil a sense of decency - not just a mother, good or otherwise. If that was true then would the reverse apply - that it stands to reason that children with "bad" mothers are less decent?

OP - really pleased that it's sorted. Enjoy your break!