To get annoyed with DM for making me look like the "Bad guy" in front of DS?

[Cunninglinguist03]

I unfortunately had to move in with my parents due to my DF leaving me with our 17 MO DS and pregnant. I have been left with nothing, no house, no car and no income as I was a SAHM and he refuses to pay anything towards DS so I had no choice, but if there was an opportunity to move out I would snatch it up straightaway.

Since moving in my DM has continuously tried to "Play the role" of Mum by constantly telling me what to do with DS and disagreeing with pretty much everything about his upbringing and trying to change it.

A few disagreements that we have had our...

DS will not call her Mum- She thinks that he should call us both "Mum" or he will be confused (Had never been a problem in the past).
I will not smack my child- She is pro-smacking and I am very against it.
She will not drive DS's attention away from me when we are playing- She is the jealous type.
DS will not have chocolate everyday- Still working on this one, She feeds him all throughout the day and he never eats what I end up cooking him as she has fed him too much sugar throughout the day.

I could be here all day if I decided to write them all down but what is particularly bothering me is her constant effort to make me look like the "Bad guy" in front of DS a perfect example of this would be what happened yesterday. I do not allow DS to pull the chairs out from under the kitchen table and then climb up onto it because it is dangerous and also if there is a cup of tea on the table and he knocks it over he will burn himself (Major tea drinkers in this home) so I tell DS "No" and take him away from the situation, He is learning but I am sticking to the process until he realises that he will not got away with it anymore. However, He done it again yesterday so I removed him from the table and told him "No" and DM came over, took him off of me and told me "You are ruining his fun, Let him play". This is just one example, Every time I tell him not to do something DM is there telling him "Mummy is just hormonal today, you carry on". I am getting really annoyed with this because when I do tell DS "No" he now runs to her for comfort and she picks him up and tells him "Mummy?s just being mean", I have told her to stop, More than a few times and she continues to do this.

AIBU to get really annoyed next time and scream at the top of my voice say rather loudly "Just stop!?.

*Are.

Sounds like a complete nightmare.....is there really no way you can move out? I realise you've probably considered all options, but it's REALLY not fair of her to undermine you in this way.

I don't know how to handle it. Getting upset and shouting at her in front of your son probably won't help, but I can TOTALLY understand why you'd want to!

What an arse of a situation.

Please tell me you are on a waiting list for housing!

I am going to make an appointment with citizens advice so I can beg them to give me a house ask for advice on my situation and understand exactly what I am entitled it unfortunately I have no other option but to stay.

Your mother sounds like a bully. And a bonkers bully at that. Wtf he should call her mum??

The only way to get her on side is by threatening her (in the nicest possible way!). Say that when you find your own housing, if she still wants a good relationship and time with her grandson, then she had better start respecting you as the mother and Maker of all Rules.

If there are any areas you can compromise on - eg the chocolate you could maybe agree one treat a day - then great, but I suspect she will ignore any agreements as she isn't seeing you in a valid parenting rule. In fact, it sounds like she sees you as a child, and her grandson she is putting in the role of another child of hers. I would get out of that situation asap if you can at all - talk to CAB, housing benefit, your Health Visitor, whoever you have to.

I would not compromise at all on the smacking and calling her Mum that is just bonkers. Say if she raises a hand to him, then you will leave, even if means making yourself voluntarily homeless. Instead of Mum, can you agree a special name he should call her, variant on Nana?

parenting role, not rule

Oh bless you....I forgot to say YADDDDDNBU

She sounds like a 'mare.

I'd be tempted to mimic her passive aggressiveness and say in an overly nice daaaaahling type voice "Oh don't worry darling, Nanny's having a bit of a senior moment, just ignore her!"

At every given opportunity....

Probably won't help....maybe just in your head

Thank you for all the advice.

Brain I did say to her that if she ever raises a hand to DS I will leave and she will not have a relationship with him. He calls her "Nanny" and has done throughout his life and it has never been a problem until I moved in with them. I think you're right suggesting the mild threat, I will try to talk to her about it once more and if not I need to do something as it is really driving me crazy getting on my nerves and affecting my relationship with DS.

I would have thought it would have been far more confusing to suddenly have to start calling two people mummy, when one of then has previously been granny/nanny.

Most people only have one mother. (There might be others but usually with qualifiers - step mother, adoptive mother etc, even if they all end up being called mum. or when the person you think is your sister is actually your mum or whatever but none of that is the case here).

Kids books that have families in have a mum and a dad, brothers and sisters and grandparents. They don't have grandparents that are also called Mum.

I would turn it around on her and ask her if that means 1) that she doesn't value the important role she has in your ds's life as a grandparent (serious question to her - doesn't she see that the role of a granny is important but different, she's had her chance to be a mum, it's now her turn to be the GP) and 2) more flippantly - so should ds now start calling you Nanny? or Auntie? or Fred? or what exactly - because it is confusing to have two people called the same thing, especially when the name is also synonymous with the role you have in a person's life. It's the reason that most normal people don't have two or more children and call them all the same name. And why when two or more kids turn up in a class at school with the same name they get differentiated by nickname or surname initial after their name etc.

And definitely do the passive aggressive - silly old nanny has forgotten who she is again, she's not your mummy is she!! - in a silly voice every time she tries to try to pretend that she is mummy. If she carries on doing it then turn it into an even bigger game - pretend that you are ds and ds is nanny and call everybody the wrong names, until everybody gets really confused and your mum stops trying to be his mum too!

Good luck getting everything else sorted - hope you have put in a claim for child support from your ex - even if he refuses to pay it now, at least you will be racking up the amount he owes you, apparently it only starts when you start to ask for it.