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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect help during the night with newborn?

65 replies

Holly129 · 12/02/2013 12:32

Am I being unreasonable to expect my partner to help me with newborn during the night? If I ask him to just change a nappy he tells me he's tired and has work in the morning and that I don't so therefore I have to take care of ds during the night. I'm exhausted, I have to work from home just to keep us afloat and I feel like he doesn't understand that looking after ds & dd all day is just as (if not more) exhausting than his job. Is this normal? Am I supposed to be doing everything in the night because I don't have to get up and drive to work?

OP posts:

Bunbaker · 13/02/2013 08:52

"Sorry it is absolute bollocks that someone who is driving to work needs a full night's sleep."

I'm sorry, but I don't agree at all. OH has problems with sleeping sometimes and he really isn't safe to drive when he is sleep deprived.

It was a non issue when DD was a baby as she was breastfed so there was little point in making both of us sleep deprived. I couldn't go back to work as DD had some medical issues that meant she needed 24/7 care, from ourselves or a qualified nurse.

anastaisia · 13/02/2013 09:03

Does it really matter who works and who doesn't. The person he's supposed to love is saying she's exhausted and could use some night time help. What kind of partner essentially tells you they don't give a damn because you're not going to work in the morning (okay, he didn't say that outloud but his actions do). If you're happy to give him some unbroken nights sleep then him getting up to do the odd nappy seems like something that should be easy to do to help the person you love who's asking you for help.

anastaisia · 13/02/2013 09:09

Might be different if he said 'God, I'm exhausted too. I don't think I can deal with nightwakings on a work night. But let's see how else you can get more rest'. Because that's not being a selfish dick and refusing to do your share because your partner (who is asking you for help) isn't going out to work.

ChestyLeRoux · 13/02/2013 09:17

Dh helped lots with first as I only could have two weeks leave.I didny need him to help with dc2 as I had 7 months off and I wasnt really doing anything in day,whereas he was working.

Emsmaman · 13/02/2013 09:27

I think it's dangerous to go down the route of no point 2 people being tired, he has to work I don't etc etc. It would be ok if all newborns slept through at 12 wo. I did ALL night wakings for 12 months because of breastfeeding and all those various other reasons that made it logical, but at nearly 2 DD still doesn't sleep and now only wants me in the nighttime as it's what she's used to. Dad=fun play time, mum=sleepy time. I have been on my knees with exhaustion time and time again and DH just does not understand as although yes he's had disturbed nights, he's never experienced it in the same way as me to be able to empathise.

stickingattwo · 13/02/2013 09:28

My DP does 1/2 nights weekends and helps out during the week too if I'm really tired. Getting up for 30 mins once mid week isn't going to kill him and it means that you know you can get a shot at some hours in a row. If DP has a big day at work coming up then it's spare room for that night, otherwise sleeps with us and if baby up a few times in a night ( unusual now tho) will get up and help.

I'd explain to him how tired you are and ask for help - try explaining that you getting a bit more sleep will make everyone's life better!

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 13/02/2013 09:30

RedHelen - yes, napping during the day is just the same as getting a night or two of unbroken sleep. [hmmm] OP, how very dare you want to have to have some sleep at night, after all you are only relaxing and taking it easy all day.

Berniebennett · 13/02/2013 09:31

DH is really good, we are off the mind set that as he works I tend to do the night feeds, but he will either come home bath/feed/change/settle LO or do the dinner and he always does the 11pm feed/settle and he gets up 15 minutes earlier (or whatever time LO wakes) then needed has his breakfast then feeds LO has him for about 30 minutes until he has to get ready then brings him back to me in bed with a cup of tea! We then have 1 night at the weekend where we don't do any and the other does all! But if he's extra tired or I am the other steps in!

There has never been a question about this really, we both choose to have the baby so he's both our responsibility and in all honesty we both love him so want to do it and dont see it as a chore? but we are blessed we quite a chilled out little boy!

Booyhoo · 13/02/2013 13:02

redhelen op has an older child so cant nap during the day. also, some babies just dont sleep during the day. my ds2 didn't sleep during the day (after the first week or so from birth) until he was 10 months old. i thought i would get to catch up when ds1 was at nursery 9-12 but no such luck, ds2 had different ideas altogether. and he didn't sleep any better at night for his lack of day time naps either.

Wishihadabs · 13/02/2013 14:41

I have to say I think this is really common. I know at least 2 girls with eds who have done courses in nutrition. I have no idea if it helps them or not TBH.

RedHelenB · 13/02/2013 16:21

Can I just say that I got really tense with dds about lack of sleep & dh & I would do the competitive tiredness thing. When i was on my own with ds I just coped, didn't feel irritated cos I thought someone else might be less tired than me & rested when I could.

I do think you need to be more alert at work than at home BUT when her dh is at home he should be helping out so she can rest.

Wishihadabs · 13/02/2013 16:28

Sorry posted onwrong thread

bbface · 13/02/2013 16:33

With a newborn, I did pretty much everything at ight and had no problem with that at all. I was breastfeeding, and only changed DS if he was very wet or dirty. I guess situation helped by fact that he would barely be over my shoulder before he had burped and would resettle very quickly.

DH became more of a help actually later on, when we were up a few nights with teething.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 13/02/2013 16:49

My DH as a responsible job but I expected him to help me with night wakings, especially in the early days. I did all feeds as bf but if baby needed a new nappy we'd take that in turns. I'd try to settle baby after a feed but if they didn't DH would take over. Both parents need a decent amount of sleep; it shouldn't all be on the mum even if she not going to work.

lcdaff · 13/02/2013 16:56

I expect my dh to help at night, although I ebf, there is no reason why he can't help out by passig me dd, changing a nappy; she won't resettle unless she's dry, or put her down. Just having a few moments to sort myslef out, get comfortable, have a drink etc makes the world of difference. He goes back to sleep after.

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