To ask you for advice (8 year old boy's behaviour)?

[language]

My 8 YO son is a lovely child - kind, polite and bright. But lately it has become very difficult to make him make an effort of any kind if he's not in the mood to do so. E.g. when he has to do his piano practice/homework/tidying up, he will declare that he's hungry/thirsty/wants to go to the toilet/tired etc. or try to have a conversation on another topic etc. He will also do things slowly without putting too much effort in it (e.g. sloppy handwriting) and moan or cry as soon as he hears criticism. I try to encourage and reward him and not to critisize him too often, but I feel that I have to try out some new strategies. I must say that he's the eldest of 3 children (the 2d is 5 YO the 3rd is 4 months old), so maybe he feels that I'm more demanding towards him than towrds his younger siblings? Anyway, I'd be grateful for any advice, as I feel at my wits end at the moment.

Sounds like a normal 8 year old to me.

Sorry, not helpful!!

although I find bribery works a treat. I ban my DS from things like the computer and the x box if his behavior takes a down turn - always seems to do the trick.

Betty, you ARE helpful! At least, this is reaussuring - I don't want to raise a lazy moaner!

Does he perhaps feel he is always having to do 'work' of some kind e.g piano practice, homework, tidying? Does he get enough time to have fun? Maybe he is bored and just had enough.

I have similar issues with my 8yo he is the eldest of three, his sisters are 6 and 4. He has been veering between stubborn and sneaky recently, so has had a couple of weeks with severe pc time restrictions/ bans, which he handled very well ( but I would much rather not have to punish him in the first place ).

With homework bribes incentives work well linked to pocket money or a star chart with a small prize, he is generally ok with small tasks around the house. I find he is much happier if he is well rested, not hungry and then reasoning with him is easier but it is as much my mood that determines the success of our interactions, as his of course. When I am in a stressy (just bloody do what I ask!!) mood then we can clash over stupid things so making sure I am well rested etc is also important Having annoying little sisters means I have to rely on him to sort himself more than he would wish, so sometimes a sympathetic hug and showing I understand he is having to do/ put up with a lot and it is hard, goes a long way.

It is hard work though I thought it would get easier as my children got older but their needs are so much more complex and diverse now. you are no alone op.

I have a 9yo who was 8yo recently.

Our biggest "fight" used to be music practice. Refusing to do it, finding excuses, fooling around, then doing a shoddy job for 2 minutes, arguing with me ("how do you know that's no good? You don't know how to play yourself!" Well, no, but I've got ears), crying at criticism or perceived mockery etc etc. That kind of thing. It took nearly one whole year of bribery (earn screen time) and persistence until he could see that if he did put in an effort he does do better. It wasn't pretty, but this year we haven't even mentioned bribery and he does much much better.

For us the main thing is to be able to see that clever effort = result. And I keep reminding them of the "case studies": "remember such and such a time when you put in so much effort to do such and such and remember what result you had" That type of thing. I never thought I've signed myself up to be a motivational guru ...

The 6yo, on the other hand, well ... I see the same routine coming up ...

I think it's fairly normal ::gives a hard stare to DS7:: and a mix of rewards and taking away privileges is the way I deal with it. I do wonder though, you say your youngest is 4 months, is he perhaps attention seeking a little bit?

Absoluteeightiesgirl -
Well, he does have time to have fun from my point of view but not enough from his point if view :-) And because lately it take some time for him to start the "work" and he mostly does it slowly, then he will have little time to do what he likes. Which is another reason for complaints, of course

language -my DS's idea of fun at the moment is his x box!!! He would, if he could, spend every minute of every day on there as he plays on line with his friends. He resents being told he has to come off it, and moans moans moans. I wish I had never bought him the flippin thing........I have taken the plug off the tv this morning so he can't play it until his behavior bucks up!!

From their point of view, there is never enough fun!!

Another question? How exactly do you use bribery? Did you use a reward for each small task (e.g. he does his music practice today = he can watch TV in the evening) or more globally (he does what is required of him all week = he can paly computer games during the weekend).

Another question? How exactly do you use bribery? Did you use a reward for each small task (e.g. he does his music practice today = he can watch TV in the evening) or more globally (he does what is required of him all week = he can paly computer games during the weekend).

I must say that he's the eldest of 3 children (the 2d is 5 YO the 3rd is 4 months old), so maybe he feels that I'm more demanding towards him than towrds his younger siblings?

I think that's it - he feels being big and the eldest doesn't work out for him as his younger siblings get more attention/let off chores because they are little.

So perhaps you could try something along the lines of, "Well, obviously X and Y are too little to do this, but I think you're old enough to be trusted/strong enough to manage this" etc. And let him do something, go somewhere, try his hand at something, build up his confidence. A treat that can be savoured by him, as a pat on the back for getting his work done or helping with chores.

Almost in a nonchalant manner, as though it's not an overt bribe or reward, but "By the way I was thinking, we could do blah blah or Dad could take you to this or that, once you've finished that/as you've been such a help".

Or, be specific, "I know you'd rather do such and such, but the sooner you get this over with, the faster you'll be able to do such and such".

Throw in the odd commiseration, I-know-how-you-feel, or I-used-to-be-like-that-and-your-Uncle/Auntie-used-to-get-away-with-whatever.

DONKEYS:
thanks for the good ideas. I'll try them out. I think that a part of the problem is that he's used to be the centre of attention, the 2d child being easy-going, and now his position has changed so he's trying to adjust to it!

Bribery: we chalk up the minutes on a white board in the kitchen and he gets the time on the DS/computer at the weekend. Teaches delayed gratification too. You should see what people say about bribing children to practise on the Extra-curricular board though. "Children should be grateful etc". Shocking thing is apparently some children are. But my plan: a bit of bribery until they get in a routine, then slowly let it slip. So far it's worked. >

Donkeys has good ideas. Commiseration is good. Half of it is the "you don't know how I feel" feeling, I think.

UptoapointLordCopper
I agree with you about commiseration. And I also feel like a "motivational guru" - and like some kind of Amercian psychanalist -" I know what you fee"l, "I'm sure you can do it" - straight from a Woody Allen film. Parenting is not an easy task!

I'm glad it's not just me, language - if it's not some echo of my own childhood with my mum's utterances ringing, more than once it's been some tv moment. Children aren't fools but just sometimes a bit of homespun Waltons' wisdom (or Friends!) or suchlike gem however cheesy or phoney-sounding to our ears, can work for an 8 year old.

The other thing I would do is not push the HW too much. I just tell DS1 (aged 9) that he has to take the consequences if he doesn't do it or does a shoddy job as I'm not writing a note to the teacher to cover his backside.

One thing that does really help are timers. Go and tidy your room, do your piano practice seems never ending. If you say do ten minutes practice and here is the timer it sometimes helps because it is a limited task.

I agree about consequences. I say to them that they will have to tell their teachers HW is too hard/dull/easy/whatever. But I happen to have children who care about what the teachers say. If they don't then the carrots and sticks will have to take different forms. I don't know what though!

I also let them set their own time for tidying up. It turns out that putting lego in boxes, instead of taking just 5 minutes, will take all of 30. But it does get put away in 30 minutes with no shouting or tears.

As my 7 year old up in his room [minus anything electronic] 'thinking about' his behaviour at Tescos don't think I am in position to advise.....

My rather narky 8yo boy is the same!

If I'm being honest i have resorted to bribery for some things. I pay him to do his daily nebs/physio (25p per neb and he has at least four a day) - as it is such a grind and I'm tired of the long running battle. I also use the god awful game that is minecraft if he is being particularly difficult (45mins doing one neb that I dont have time for in the morning).

Homework he will be asked to do and I will happily help with but if he refuses to do it, it gets sent in without being done and he gets detention. He's learnt pretty damn quickly that homework is one of those things that needs to be done. If he attempts it but it is too difficult I send in a note.

Finally, we have so much in the way of nebs/physio/feeds and overnight stuff that I don't make him do chores. He has to take his plate out after meals - surprisingly he never kicks up a fuss about that!