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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect this from my almost 9 year old?

69 replies

joshandjamie · 11/02/2013 18:35

My son is a few days away from turning 9. This is what I expect him to do in a day:

Morning
Get out of bed
Get dressed for school
Pull duvet up
Pull up blind
Turn light off
Put any dirty clothes outside his room (ideally next to washing machine but pigs would fly before that happened)
Eat breakfast
Put bowl in dishwasher
Clean teeth
Put shoes/coat on
Get school bag ready with whatever he needs for the day
Be ready to leave at 7.50

Afternoon/Evening
Spend 10 minutes practicing his guitar (he gets no other homework)
Put plate in dishwasher after eating.
Stop playing on screen once his 30 mins are up (that is our agreed time limit during the week)
Shower (he doesn't have to do this daily)
Hang up towel after shower
Clean teeth
Get into bed when it's time to go to sleep

General
Tidy up a room if he's made a mess in it
Put any wrappers in the bin
Occasionally feed HIS cat when I am busy

Is this too onerous a list for an 8/9 year old? Because my will to live is being sucked out due to the constant reminding/nagging that it takes. I have explained that if he doesn't do these things, he loses that day's screen time. But it always ends up in an argument. It is doing my head in. So before I go nuclear/send him to boarding school, can you tell me if I am being unreasonable with these things? Is this too much for a boy his age to do? Seriously.

OP posts:

moogalicious · 11/02/2013 18:37

All that without nagging? Good luck with that one

DD1 (10yo) will now load the dishwasher without nagging. That's it.

LindyHemming · 11/02/2013 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

moogalicious · 11/02/2013 18:38

Actually, I don't nag - I only have to tell her once to be fair. But I still have to tell her iyswim.

ewaczarlie · 11/02/2013 18:39

Doesn't seem unreasonable but also not surprised he forgets. Does he have a good old chart to follow so there can be no forgetting?

Hulababy · 11/02/2013 18:40

Visual reminder/list on inside of his wardrobe to help him remember?

LindyHemming · 11/02/2013 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

joshandjamie · 11/02/2013 18:41

he doesn't have a chart but I think I will make one. The weird thing is, his younger brother by 18 months manages to do most of this without issue. And if he forgets, I simply say: did you put your light off? And he says: oh, no - and he goes and does it whereas 9 year old starts ranting and raving as though I've just asked him to fly to the moon and back, when I ask him to do the same sodding things EVERY DAY

OP posts:

Andro · 11/02/2013 18:43

Perfectly reasonable in my opinion. With the exception of guitar (because she doesn't learn it!) and teeth cleaning being supervised, my 5yo DD does everything you have listed - I double check the book bag though!

DS (9) does everything you have listed and a lot more besides (without being asked).

thesnootyfox · 11/02/2013 18:43

I feel your pain.

Ds1 is 8.6, he still seems so young and I am constantly nagging at him to the simplest of tasks like wash his hands and put his clothes into the laundry basket. I recently linked basic chores to his pocket money in the hope that this would motivate him. He was full of good intentions but there hasn't really been an improvement. He is constantly in a world of his own. Even walking down the road he is playing out imaginary battles in his head and not concentrating.

LindyHemming · 11/02/2013 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

joshandjamie · 11/02/2013 18:43

thanks Euphemia.

And Andro - that's kind of what I think he should be doing

OP posts:

NorbertDentressangle · 11/02/2013 18:44

Your list is about the same as I'd expect from my 8yo so it seems fair enough.

However thats not saying that my DS will do all of those things without a degree of nagging prompting.

It never ceases to amaze me that despite 8 years of getting up in the morning routine involving 1. Getting dressed 2. Brushing teeth, DS can still 'forget' what it is hes supposed to do after breakfast.

calandarbear · 11/02/2013 18:44

YANBU my 6 and 3 year olds do most of that, they don't play on screen or practise instruments but 6 year old practises kickboxing, 3 year old ballet. As 3 year old is home while I'm cleaning she helps polish abd likes to move wet washing from the washer to the dryer.

toldmywrath · 11/02/2013 18:47

I would be amazed if your almost 9yr old did this without nagging .
How do you manage it? I had a constant battle with all mine & they are now in the 20's and when they visit/stay I have to remind them of loading dishwasher, beds NEVER made!

ElsieMc · 11/02/2013 18:47

Wow, I can't get my 21 year old to do that when she is home from Uni. My 9 year old and 7 year old boys are better, they can achieve most of your list.

PandaNot · 11/02/2013 18:48

My dc 5 and 8 do all that. It's just routine so they need reminders but there isn't anything on that list they can't do.

TeeBee · 11/02/2013 18:50

Not unreasonable, I expect as much from my two. However, what has helped me is a laminated list that is put on the fridge. They have to complete their jobs before they can have screen play (as this is what they like to do). They also have to have all jobs done 10 minutes before they are due to leave the house. Automatic two day electronics ban if they don't cut it. Seems strict but it soooooo makes mornings more pleasant. My 7 year old gets it all done in 10 minutes, my eldest takes much longer but I don't get stressed because of the automatic ban ensures that he will rush it all with 10 minutes to go. Let them take responsibility. If they don't do it, then have a strong a relevant consequence, and don't budge on it.

toldmywrath · 11/02/2013 18:51

ElsieMc

MrsKeithRichards · 11/02/2013 18:57

About on par with my expectations for my 7 year old. He's receiving occupational therapy, suspected dcd (awaiting diagnosis) and has organisational issues. I have been using a reward chart type design but the occupational therapist is making us up a board with pictures of each stage on Velcro that he has to follow and take off when done.

Andro · 11/02/2013 18:57

toldmywrath - DD copies her big brother, when it became clear she wanted to more on her own we helped her draw out a pictorial routine and she's followed it ever since (starting from doing 2 tings without prompting and building from there). DS is immaculate, he loves knowing that anything he wants is in it's correct place so everything is sided as soon as it is finished with. He'll offer to help with almost any household task...unless it involves glass/windows (longish standing issues, he won't even drink from a glass!). In truth, he's almost too neat and tidy for my comfort...I do worry about it sometimes.

educatingarti · 11/02/2013 18:57

I think that maybe any ranting and raving means 10 minutes lesson computer the following day. Don't enter into argument about it just - you either do it nicely without fuss or lose 10 mins computer time. then follow through when necessary

redskyatnight · 11/02/2013 19:04

I expect my DC (8 and 7) to do all that.
Although it looks like a long list a lot of it should become automatic.

I think you do have to go through the pain of saying "what have you forgotten to do ..." over and over ad nauseam though.

lljkk · 11/02/2013 19:05

None of mine would have done all that at that age without lots of reminders.

Give him a list. Tie privileges (like computer time) to getting the list items done in a certain time window. I think I would target certain times of day to stand over him until he does the jobs, and the routine is like breathing, then focus on another part of the day.

Don't compare to younger siblings. My 4yo likes to do his homework and fold his clothes. I know which child is the strange one.

My 8yo does not want to go to school, so he drags his feet on doing anything to do with that.

Original poster

joshandjamie · 11/02/2013 19:10

educatingarti - I agree with you. And I try this. And indeed stick with it. But the arguments are unreal. In fact a question for everyone with 9 year olds - is this when the puberty hormones start kicking in? Because he is beyond vile at present.

And the most irritating thing is that he argues every tiny point and never sees the big picture. For example, they're not allowed to eat in the 'grown up' sitting room but on Saturday he was watching something on tv in there and wanted to eat a bag of crisps. I said no. He nagged and begged and said he wouldn't mess. I said that he may not mess but he would leave the empty bag in there (like he always does wherever he is and whatever he's eating). Anyway, I agreed on the proviso that he cleared up after himself and proved to me that he wouldn't leave a mess.

Suffice to say that when my husband and I went in there several hours later, the empty crisp bag was lying on the floor. His father then told him to put it in the bin. He duly did.

Today we were having a discussion about doing what you say you will and I used the crisp bag as the example and said 'You never put the bag in the bin'. He then yelled and screamed saying 'He did'. Eventually I twigged on that what he meant was 'He did put it in the bin ......eventually'. So I said: 'Ok, you put it in the bin but only after I'd asked you to do it as you'd left it lying there for hours.' Cue him saying: 'You never asked me to do it.' I then had to correct myself and say: 'Ok, when daddy asked you to do it.'

By the time we'd ironed out the EXACT details, he'd completely missed the point of the conversation and I was ready to throttle him.

Could someone please give me some wine? tx

OP posts:

Andro · 11/02/2013 19:24

There you go, you sound like you need it.

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