My partner's 5 year old has been manipulated since he and ex broke up when he was 2. There has been bad mouthing by ex in front of dss which has resulted in child repeating things that have been said. When dss had turned 3 dp witnessed ex telling child 'say goodbye to Daddy you're never going to ee him again' This was due to dp's new relationship with me. He hugged ds and told him he'd see him again next week. There has always been bad mouthing of dp and myself and dss has said many times to me 'mummy doesn't like you' to which I reply 'she's only joking honey' Loads more stuff gets said including daddy is evil, disgusting etc and that he doesn't like dss. More recently he is saying about how mummy says she was daddys gf and he lived at mine because we were a family then you came and now you're daddys gf. That is not how it happened she slept with another man then split for a good 8 months prior to my involvement wich happened after she got a new partner.
All of the lies of ex etc came to ahead when a friend of hers contacted dp to abusively admonish him for never seeing or paying for ds. We have him every weekend and more through holidays when dp has time off. the friend claimed ds was a nightmare for ex, back chatted her and she couldn't cope. It resulted in dp asking ex if she'd prefer him to quit his job and have ds full time (this was prior to him being in school full time) She refused saying how would that make her look as a mother. So he said they could half and half share custody, she was upset that he'd keep his job in that case and I'd have to get dss from school and have him for a couple of hours until dp got home. He tried everything to explain that the bad mouthing etc. Eventually because of the lying dp told her to text everything instead of calling so that his replies could not be lied about. (they still are but at least if someone says it to dp he can show the truth)
Every time he picked ds up he'd spent about 15mins in the house trying to convince ds to stop playing on the xbox while she was complaining about ds's behaviour and telling dp that he is the enforcer and should tell him off and stop him doing activities planned for him here as punishment. Dp told ex that she needs to be in charge of and repercussions for behaviour that happens there and he'll be in charge for here. Recently dp changed the way he picked up ds to he has to be ready and dp will wait at the door instead of going in. This was because when he and I had our baby the ex started waiting to know we'd left the house and were on our way to collect dss to text and say he won't be ready for another hour and a half ect and that they weren't in. We took it a few times but on the third time text saying could you let us know next time prior to us leaving so we aren't left driving with newborn. This went wild! Accusations of us putting newborn before dss etc. She told people including dps sister who we only see occasionally that dss wasn't wanting to come to ours, we were outside and refused to wait for him due to newborn.
Dss will now and then refuse to come to us now and then. Reasons include 'he loves his mummy soooo much', he doesn't want to play football (sometimes on weekend dp and ds will go to play football at ds' request) He hates daddy etc. Recently (last weekend) it was because we don't get out of bed (obviously not true, dp is up before him) Ex went mad about it, got on the phone to dps sister who was told she had to go round there. Sil is ex's go to to complain about dp, we don't involve her in the dispute from our side because we felt it was unfair on her. Ex had a baby just after xmas, before she had the baby dss would cling to her and refuse to come. Since the baby it went back to being fine. Apart from last weekend. Dps sister then took it upon herself to bring dss to ours on sat night to force them to talk. She claimed to be the only one who is acting like an adult etc. Dp kept saying not in front of ds etc but she was shouting at dp at which point I took dss and 5 month old upstairs to play games. She was claiming that the ex knows what she's done before and the poor thing just wants to talk. When told some of the things she's said in front of dss she said 'she's hot tempered you know what she's like' It turns out dss won't go to school anymore, he won't leave to go to his friends, apparently ex can't cope with him and the baby. Apparently ex tried to tell dp (she bloody didn't) she could've said the weekend before when dp was stood outside chatting to her dp waiting for ds, or through the week when dp called ds or when he was texting her to find out the plans (the weekend before ds told dp that her mother was coming down and he wouldn't be coming to us then-which btw she didn't tell dp herself) Sil shouted about her poor ex just needs him to go in her house each weekend to chat to her. It ended horribly. SIL claiming dp is blaming everyone else because he's stuck on the past and needs to move on. Dss left after saying to dp that he doesn't like him, me or dd but loves his mum and her dd. Sil has made it so much worse. It has made it seem to dss that his daddy was wrong. I doubt we'll be able to get him next week too.
There is no way I can see to resolve this. Any ideas? There's a very angry confused and insecure 5 year old in this that now is refusing to go to school. I think there is insecurity at home due to the new baby with his mum. And I think we are being isolated away from him. We would never critisise his mum etc in front of him but now the sil has come round it has made there seem to him that there is tension from us to her. Before we were trying to make him feel safe to talk about what he wants here and hopefully by being stable and constant we were making his mother's claims of victimisation seem less real. Sorry it's long. This is actually making me ill. I feel that he is being damaged. The relationship between father and son is being damaged and our family is being damaged. AIBU for feeling like there is the treat of impending doom on my family?