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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be very upset about all this hitting at pre-school!

20 replies

Goldenhandshake · 11/02/2013 15:59

DD is (just) four, she attends pre school for five, three hour sessions a week. Since around November time there have been so many situations where she has been on the receiving end of some very spiteful behaviour.

In the last five weeks alone I've been called in after her sessions to be told that she's been bitten, kicked in the stomach, pinched very hard on the face and todays latest, slapped by a little boy so hard she has a bright red cheek.

I know kids go through 'hitty' stages but these are not all the same kids (well, the pinch and the bite was the same child).

She seems ok afterward but is very upset (understandably) initially, I have even asked the staff if she is doing something to cause this as it just seems a bit extreme. I am finding myself feeling anxious about her going, wondering what's next.

Is this the norm at pre school age?

OP posts:

MrsMushroom · 11/02/2013 16:02

It seems excessive! I don't think it's the norm at all...my DD in reception has never been hit or bitten in nursery or school.

Maybe one or two instances might be normal but not what you describe. Is it different kids every time?

Make an appointment to see the manager about this..it's not good! Poor dd.

aldiwhore · 11/02/2013 16:06

I am usually one of many who'd say calm down (dear) you are being precious.

I don't think you are though, it does sound out of control.

I'm sure that it is normal, one of those normal things that if left (because it's normal) becomes abnormal! It needs tackling. There is a strong emphasis on being kind at our local pre-school, hitting (or mean touching as they sometimes call it) is not tolerates, it is dealt with gently, and there doesn't seem to be more than the occassional 'spate' which is over pretty much as soon as it starts.

What you describe sounds like it's happening all the time and not being managed properly.

YANBU.

Callisto · 11/02/2013 16:07

I wouldn't send her there any more. It doesn't sound normal to me at all and your poor DD having to cope with that. Not all children go through a 'hitty' phase either.

DayToDayShit · 11/02/2013 16:09

Sound a bit to often for my liking. Although mine have all been givers and receivers of slappage at nursery! It is quite normal for them to go through stages, but your poor DD does seem to be getting more than her fair share.

fromparistoberlin · 11/02/2013 16:10

this is not normal

They are not managing the children well at all. move her

FWIW DS2 and 4 have never been at the receiving end of this

sorry OP xx

Original poster

Goldenhandshake · 11/02/2013 16:10

MrsMushroom I didn't think it was quite normal. I feel so bad for her as she feels very hurt.

The four instances I have described were between three children, the bite and pinch was the same girl on two seperate occasions, what's sad is that the little girl is adored by DD who describes her often as her 'best friend', she has described what's happened to me, and sometimes it's the result of a squabble over a toy but not always, and that's no excuse really as DD has been taught not to hit out.
The 'best friend' has been mean on a number of occasions, I have been in the cloakroom when DD has gone to say hello and heard the girl saying back 'Go away, I'm not playing with you' etc and DD's been very hurt, mother is in ear shot but has said nothing it's been me saying to DD to come away as that's unkind.

I am under no illusions that DD is an angel, she definitely has her moments, but the staff have said they have no concerns over her behaviour, and that she is generally polite and well behaved. I'm just stumped as to why there seems to be so much spite in that group?

OP posts:

MrsMushroom · 11/02/2013 16:15

Is it linked to the school DD will attend?

YouCantTeuchThis · 11/02/2013 16:18

It is not acceptable for it to be this bad...the odd hitting-out is totally understandable as they learn, but for there to be hitting every day is not normal, IME - and I say that as the parent of a child who is part of a very 'hitty' group of children but who don't behave this way at nursery. It is just not accepted by the staff as a way of behaving.

You have spoken to the staff about your own child, but you need to have a chat about how this will be dealt with as a class/nursery. Perhaps there needs to be a session on nursery rules, a reminder sent home with parents to reinforce, a storytime with 'hands are not for hitting'?

They have to address it, and they have to communicate clearly to you exactly how it is being addressed.

Icelollycraving · 11/02/2013 16:18

My ds had more than what I consider acceptable levels of biting at nursery. I sent a very calm but v frosty email requesting answers to my concerns. I am pretty sure they weren't giving them enough activities & they were getting bored & fractious.
They took action,not happened again. They didn't tell me which child was doing it though.

Original poster

Goldenhandshake · 11/02/2013 16:19

MrsMushroom no thankfully not, there is a school that most children seem to go to afterward but there is no official link, however the school's I ahve put down for DD are not that one so she won't move on with most of that group maybe only one or two.

I will book an appointment with the manager, you ahve all reassured me that it is excessive, I was worried I was being too precious, but I shouldn't be worrying about her attending should I.

OP posts:

jellybeans · 11/02/2013 16:20

My DC's preschool is simelar. It's very laid back and play centred, very busy/noisy lots of space. (Older DDs were in a classroom enviroment and can't remember them being hit at all). DS3 has been hit several times, almost always the same boy though-and he hits everyone and is very badly behaved. They try to watch him but there are so many kids and only so many staff. It does annoy me to be honest. One of my older DC has a scar on the face from being scratched at nursery and the same boy still is violent age 11 and been suspended etc many times. I know some kids grow out of it. When DS3 was about 2 I had to follow him everywhere at toddler groups if he hit and make sure he knew it is not acceptable and he grew out of it. Some just seem to carry on though.

Original poster

Goldenhandshake · 11/02/2013 16:20

Youcan'tteuchthis, good idea, I think I will write a letter to be sent before the appointment and take a copy to the meeting so I can be sure my questions are all answered. Thank you

OP posts:

YouCantTeuchThis · 11/02/2013 16:21

I forgot to mention though - I wouldn't use 'spite' as a description of the behaviour as I don't really think that toddlers are capable of spite as such. They are all trying out different behaviours to see how others respond and the powertrip from being able to make someone feel something (very happy or vary sad, for example) is quite a rush when you are 3 (or always for some people!).

It doesn't feel comfortable to call it spite although it does sound mean.

MrsMushroom · 11/02/2013 16:26

No I agree with cantteuch ...it is entirely the job of the staff to ensure that children are well supervised at all times. They should know which ones tend to lash out...and which ones don't and as such, make sure that any situations when they are playing, they are also checked on regularly. It's a safeguarding issue...they're failing to provide a safe environment.

BlueberryHill · 11/02/2013 16:33

The 'best friend' has been mean on a number of occasions, I have been in the cloakroom when DD has gone to say hello and heard the girl saying back 'Go away, I'm not playing with you' etc and DD's been very hurt, mother is in ear shot but has said nothing

That may be your answer for two of the instances, nurseries can only do so much in teaching children what is right / wrong. If parents don't do it, or work with the nursery, how does the child know what is right. However, I don't think that you can single a child out in discussing it with the nursery, agree with canttheuch and MrsMushroom.

Original poster

Goldenhandshake · 11/02/2013 16:38

YoucantTeuchThis no you're right, I am just a bit emotional at the thought of her being hurt I suppose .

OP posts:

MrsMushroom · 11/02/2013 16:39

Oh you will be. is there a different preschool you could use?

Original poster

Goldenhandshake · 11/02/2013 16:47

MrsMushroom, there probably is there are quite a few nearby, I would just have reservations about pulling her out given that she will leave in July and start primary school in September, she's been attending there since she was 2, started in the playgroup then moved up to the pre school group and really loved it. She still does like going but being hit etc on such a regular basis will be denting her confidence I am sure.

OP posts:

BlueberryHill · 11/02/2013 16:56

Could you change sessions so that she sees different children? See what the response is from the nursery, that may reassure you and your daughter. I understand why you are reluctant to move her, if you move her to one closer to the school she will go to it may give her chance to meet children who are going on to that school so it isn't that big a move in September?

MsAkimbo · 11/02/2013 17:13

Everyone has pretty well said it, but it is most likely a case of lack of classroom management/supervision by the staff, and very well could be lack of stimulation for the children.

I would agree that a meeting is crucial. By raising the concerns with the higher-ups, they will be forced to examine the roots of the problem and make necessary changes.

If they don't seem receptive, leave. Your DD (and frankly all the children) deserve better than that.

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