Overbearing MIL!

[Sixparrotspullingupcarrots]

My MIL is lovely and very caring. However, since I had DS (9 months) she's been very overbearing. She wants to wrap him up in cotton wool. She is very concerned with his health, which there is nothing wrong with. A couple of examples are when she told me off for taking paracetamol for my breast thrush, it was the only thing keeping me bf. She also keeps telling me that I must put vaseline in his ears if we go swimming otherwise he will get an ear infection. This may be a good precaution to take if your child has a tendency to get ear infections but I don't want to start off doing this.

PIL have been abroad since October so I've had a bit of a rest from the fussing but yesterday we skyped them and she said that it wasn't safe for my son to be playing with a wooden spoon and that I mustn't give him a bottle when he's lying down.

AIBU to be annoyed with this smother grandmothering? They're coming back to the UK in a couple of weeks and I'm dreading the constant fussing. It makes me feel like I'm a crap mother because I do things she thinks is unsafe/unhealthy. How do I tell her to back off and leave me to parent my child in the way I want to, without upsetting her? DH is really supportive of me, but his mum won't listen to him.

Honestly the best thing to do is smile and nod, let it wash over you.

Once you have a baby, a sign apprars on your forehead "unwelcome advice here please".

Best to just be serene about it, and do what the heck you think is right for your DC.

Yes, smile and nod. You can happily do it without taking the slightest bit of notice. The word 'really' is useful- said quite pleasantly.

The sad thing is, what she wants (to be very involved) will be scuppered by this behaviour, as I am certain you'll pull away from her, avoid sharing infomation or asking for advice, you're less likely to seek out chances for her to see your DS away from occasions your DH arranges etc.

Nod and smile and avoid providing information that will lead to fussing. Work on a 'need to know' basis to keep it to a minimum.

There is no need to avoid- eventually it becomes a virtue as in 'exotic knows her own mind' -and I never disagreed- just smiled and nodded. It will be quite safe to leave him with her.

Are there any other grandchildren? Will there be any soon? Thinking along the lines of a distraction from her focus all being on your DS.

As a last resort - remember she will gradually have less to fuss about as he gets older.

Oh it is VERY safe to leave DS with her, no worries there!

No more DGCs at the moment, SIL is single. Maybe I could persuade her to have a baby as a way of distracting MIL!

I had this with my MIL when I had my first DC. Smiling and nodding is a good default reaction, though very difficult at times. Try to remember she means well and probably isn't intending to criticise your parenting, some just can't keep their opinions inside!

It does get easier to let it wash over you as time passes. I remember one incident when I was BF at her house and she told me my DS fed so much because my milk was 'no good'!!! (I suspect she was keen for me to bottle feed so she could have a go) I said nothing but told my DH firmly that if she said anything like that to me again I would not bring DS back to visit. He had a word with her and luckily FIL did too, so she backed off a bit after that.

We did get to the point where we got on as well as we had before GCs were born, and I actually did ask her for advice on occasion as my own mum died before any of mine were born. This took some tip toeing around and time, but it was worth it in the end, and we became close. Good luck!

When you are face to face discuss this.

Thanks to MN i am stopping myself from giving advise to my StepDD, unless asked for, thankfully, she does ask me for advice, as i am her only female relative, who she can talk to.

Mine and your MIL's generation, learned baby care off other mums, so perhaps she is honestly trying to help.

You can talk about how her unwanted advice makes you feel, without upsetting her.

I'm nearly a MIL & not a GP - yet.

I do know a few friends' GCs & all the women of my age, long out of the way of babes, do say that they are far, far more safety conscious & paranoid about the DGs than we were with our own. It's a very common thing & my mother was exactly like that.

Just have a little chat with her & I'm sure she'll try to rein it in.

I get this from both my mum and my MIL (who I live with). In the early days of new mum hormones I took things very personally and ended up making constant passive aggressive comments. E.g. MIL kept telling me I hold baby too much and he'd grow better if kept on his back all the time. So when she went to hold him I'd say, "Are you sure that's a good idea, he might stop growing."

In the end that kind of resentment and pent up anger isn't good for anyone's health. So now I nod and smile and do what I want. Occasionally I explain things, like new weaning rules. Other times I hide things to avoid comments. I told MIL the first time I took baby for jabs and she spent all day insisting I give the baby calpol, suggesting I was being cruel for not giving it to him. He was fine and I know my son! Now I don't mention any doctors' appointments as I know this is a source of anxiety for her.

They're only trying to help and have my son's best interests at heart. I try not to view it as a comment on my parenting and take compliments where I can! My MIL said she was amazed by my son's development and said she wished she'd talked to her children as much as I talk to mine. We have to remember parenting is a lot different now that we have the internet! Think I'd ask mumsnet before my own mother if I ever had any worries!

My own MIL seemed to back off after an incident where screaming DP brought a choking bluish toddler towards me and I performed the heimlich manoeuvre

Apparently all my interest in learning about children (which does not originate from her) is now ok

Although i really would want this on any body else.

A moment will eventuate when baby really just wants Mum, not out of need, more of emotional want, then it will dawn on MIL - that you are Mummy ... Or the novelty will where off.