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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have snooped on ds facebook messaging

25 replies

depob · 11/02/2013 12:39

and now wish I hadn't. Nearly 15, clever, lazy, does OK at academic school, obsessed with computer coding. Messages threads with three different friends have ds arranging to buy weed, some kind of 'legal high' called md, also laughing gas (!). Clearly he is instigating this, and persuading friends to try stuff out. I have not told him I looked, (or mentioned it to dp) but feel I absolutely must have a conversation with him about what he is up to. Where to start? What to say? Help!

OP posts:

JammySplodger · 11/02/2013 12:41

Does he smoke weed normally/regularly? Are they friends he meets up with often? Just wondering if any concerns you have from that angle might be a way to start a conversation.

grants1000 · 11/02/2013 12:42

Give these people a call and ask advice, a friend went through something similar last year with her daughter and she said they were fab.

www.talktofrank.com

aldiwhore · 11/02/2013 12:45

I'd probably start with "I had a call from the police today, they've been monitoring your FB activity"...

Then I'd tell the truth.

I do believe with a right to privacy, and habitual snooping is not on, however it should be balanced with a parental responsibilty to keep your children safe, and sometimes that means snooping.

Obviously he needs a talk about these drugs (the legal highs actually worry me most) and the affect they probably will have on his developing brain. (I am not anti-cannabis, I'm anti-any drugs whilst still growing - kids aren't 'done' yet so better not to mess with the baking process) He also needs a chat about being blazé and stupid, and public, easily traceable etc.,

He is not unusual though, so try not to worry too much. That doesn't mean condone it. For what it's worth, I am a massive hypcrite in parenting style. Whilst I have no major issues with cannabis and I like a drink, I am an adult and if it were my son, he would be grounded... once for dabbling, twice for being so utterly stupid. x

Bejeena · 11/02/2013 12:46

Now this might not be as bad as you think. He sounds exactly like my husband was at that age and he was also a computer whizzkid into programming, coding etc. He dabbled in the odd naughty thing like week, other drugs etc. but no harm came of him, in fact the opposite he has a very successful career that any parent would be proud of.

So am saying try to take it easy, just because he is experimenting with this doesn't mean he doesn't have his head screwed on. But come down like a massive tonne of bricks and he might rebel. It is not as if he is taking heroin, or drinking heavily every night.

Try and be a bit open minded and liberal about it. That way he might be able to trust you on these things and if you know what he is doing all the time then even if it is 'bad' you know it is safe iyswim?

StitchAteMySleep · 11/02/2013 12:47

You need to talk to him, the laughing gas that he talks about is probably butane lighter fuel, it is widely and easily available. I know someone that died from this after one use. Like grants said call Frank, get advice, but speak to him.

FarBetterNow · 11/02/2013 12:48

Laughing gas is really dangerous. I do know of someone who died inhaling this for a high. Sorry to worry you more.

LeaveTheBastid · 11/02/2013 12:49

I've always remembered the look on my brothers face when my parents got the police around after finding out he had been sniffing aerosols and buying weed for him and his friends. He was as white as a sheet as they reeled off the charges he could face . According to him he hasn't touched the stuff since that day.

I think you need to block his access from FB until this is sorted out, too. Many may not agree with that but facebook isn't a right, it's a privelage and one that he is grossly abusing by pushing drugs on other kids.

FarBetterNow · 11/02/2013 12:51

Laughing gas is nitrous oxide.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-19841308

Oct 5, 2012 ? A schoolboy from north London died after inhaling laughing gas with his friends, a coroner's court hears.

RedHelenB · 11/02/2013 12:52

My kids were only allowed fb on condition I can periodically look at thaeir accounts.

You need to have a serious talk with your ds about drug use & the possibility of a criminal record if caught in possession of drugs.

Cuddlyrunner · 11/02/2013 14:38

Depob, I have sent you a private message, please read it x

MystiCally · 11/02/2013 14:44

MD isn't a legal high, that's a slang term for MDMA.

glossyflower · 11/02/2013 15:05

Laughing gas is what us ladies have when giving birth on gas and air.
Firstly I don't think you are being unreasonable to look through your ds Facebook account. You are his parent and responsible for giving the right guidance. Secondly, I don't think he's doing anything different to most other kids his age. It's a natural thing to be curious.
The main thing now is how you handle it. If you go too hard, he may just rebel, if you go too soft he may end up doing as he pleases.
What is ds like with every day things? Is he responsible for his belongings, does he respect you and your opinions? Can you have a reasonable adult conversation with him?
Maybe all it will take to scare him away from it is that you be truthful that you snooped, or will he use the snooping as an excuse to blame you?
I would consider checking his room for any weed and consider calling the police. I really doubt the police would actually put it on his record but would just scare him out of doing it again.

Original poster

depob · 12/02/2013 15:40

Thanks to all who responded, especially grants1000. I rang www.talktofrank.com the advisor was fantastic. Off to put it into practice now. with me luck

OP posts:

SquinkiesRule · 12/02/2013 15:51

Good luck.
Can you come back later and tell us what you did and how it went please?

DontEvenThinkAboutIt · 12/02/2013 16:02

Of course YANBU for snooping. I would never snoop if I thought my DC's had nothing to hide however I may do if had suspicions that that they were up to something. Your DS was up to something therefore you were right to snoop.

I check my DS's don't go online to look at porn, it may be snooping but I don't care. I tell them I am doing it.

Original poster

depob · 13/02/2013 00:11

Am waiting til Thursday til dad's out of the house. Will update...

OP posts:

Original poster

depob · 14/02/2013 16:11

Ok here's how it went:
Got everyone else out of the house, got him up, fed him a bacon sandwich, put him in front of my computer, made him switch off his phone. He was pretty sassy at this point, rolling eyes and sniggering. I kept calm (!)
Step one: I said I'd been contacted by someone about internet posting "of course you know nothing is really private on the net, what's on is potentially on forever". I wouldn't tell him who. He started to look a bit worried.
Step two: I made him look up stuff about weed, nitrous oxide, legal highs. Made him search out the negative stuff, not the libertarian justifying drug use stuff. Whenever he found something we read it together. We went through some academic papers and statistics. This is all stuff he knows from drug education at school. It is also all stuff he has chosen to ignore. I asked him each time - "why does this not apply to you?" Basically got him thinking about how he was only seeing what he wanted to see, and that there are real dangers and problems with drug use. Also talked about the drug market - how people who sell/use it justify what they are doing.
Step three: we went through the legal side - confiscation, then caution, then court appearance. Asked him again why he thought the law somehow didn't apply to him. Talked about 'intent to supply' and how much more serious it was legally. Talked about his postings which were basically evidence of his intent to supply. How other parents would react if their child was involved (ask who they got it from), how the school would react (expulsion for sure) and how his dad would react (let's not go there). At this point he got upset, I think it was starting to sink in. Looking scared, asking who knew, did other parents know, should he warn his friends. We did a scenario together - what if...he got blamed, got expelled, got a caution, and where would he be in two years or five years or ten years time, and where would his friends be.
Step four: I told him I couldn't protect him from other parents, school, police. If they come knocking I'd have to answer the door. Luckily someone had given us a chance and maybe we wouldn't have to answer that door. I also said how disappointed I was that he'd lied and misled me, and how I was really worried I might have to deal with school/police/parents.
Then I took his bank card off him. Told him to take the dog for a walk and get some fresh air.

I think this might work. It definitely had an impact. Got good advice from frank drug service on how to do it. Only time will tell. It is difficult when your child is 6 foot tall and cleverer than you. Basically I just bluffed it and think I might have pulled it off.

OP posts:

SquinkiesRule · 14/02/2013 16:17

Well done depob I think that sounded really good. I hope it really sank in.

DontEvenThinkAboutIt · 14/02/2013 17:08

That sounds like you have done really well. His response was good too. However, you must not underestimate the power of peer pressure. He may genuinely agree with everything you have said but when push comes to shove and he has had a few drinks and is out with his pals he may still be tempted.

How about getting a home drug test kit from Amazon. They are cheap and it would help him stop using Drugs (if he is). It will be easier for him to decline drugs if he is with his friends if he says that he may get tested.

YellowDinosaur · 14/02/2013 17:32

I think you handled that brilliantly. Well done. I don't think you should go down the testing road. You have given him the facts and taken him through them in a way that makes it clear you're not just having a go. It has had an impact. I personally think now you have to trust him unless you have other concerns. Hopefully he will choose the right path. If not then get advice on where to go next. I worry that showing him you don't trust him immediately and not giving him the chance to do the right thing might make him more likely to rebel.

Off to save this thread now in case I need it in the future.....

madwomanacrosstheroad · 14/02/2013 17:33

I have kids of facebook age and made it a condition for internet access for them in the house that they add me as a friend. So i can openly spy - sorry supervise.
I also have a now adult son who has dabbled in drugs quite a bit. It was a nightmare. I was able to find out through the older brother of his friend. At the time it was cannabis and mephedrone which was only out new then. He was one of the first ones addicted. He now is largely off it but it was a nightmare. The fact that the stuff usually legal means it is not seen as particularly dangerous and the stuff thats around these days is (according to my son) much worse than mephedrone was. My advice would be to make contact with the other parents and deal with it collectively and make sure you all keep an eye out and keep each other informed. The canabis you get these days is often stronver than the stuff that was round years ago and in the case of adolescents seriously messes with their brains. When my son was at a fairly controversial book round called "the lost child" by a former guardian columnist julia meyer or meyerling. It did help me as i just felt so isolated and helpless.

DontEvenThinkAboutIt · 14/02/2013 18:22

I agree that the drug testing might not be a good idea but it is something to consider. Your son may welcome it as it would be a way to prove to you that he is clean and it really may be a useful excuse not to use drugs.

Some private schools in South Africa randomly drug test the pupil. Parents can opt their DC's out but nobody does.

Original poster

depob · 15/02/2013 22:53

madwoman - friending does not work - if you know how (I don't) you can customise your page to show different bits to different people. Also viewing as a friend will not access the messaging conversations. Really sorry to hear your son had these difficulties and fingers crossed he can stay clean. I don't really feel I can contact other parents - in their shoes I'd want run a mile, maybe contact the school. Maybe I am just being a bit of a coward on that.
Drug testing sounds like it might be useful. I'll think on't.
Thanks to all for thoughtful contributions - as always

OP posts:

KnittedC · 16/02/2013 09:20

Wow OP, I think you handled it really well and I hope it really has sunk in. Fingers crossed your DS finds the strength to avoid peer pressure. Well done for dealing with the situation so thoughtfully - your son is lucky to have such a reasonable, concerned parent xx

Dothraki · 16/02/2013 10:15

Depob - you handled that brilliantly. It really annoys me when people say its only weed its harmless. My exh has lost everything, as weed became more important. He is paranoid, homeless, and has no contact with any of his family. If his mum had put her foot down I am sure he would be employed, happy, in a decent house, and see his family. Well done to you.

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