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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not trust him and be terrified about the future?

12 replies

betterthanever · 10/02/2013 21:19

Short version:
Short relationship, he ends relationship when I am pregnant - I keep in touch but he does not get involved with the pregnancy. He was abusive in the relationship and it got worse with him threatening me physically when I was pregnant and on one of three occasions I saw him after we split.
DC born and he visits very briefly three times, last one ends with threats again so I got a solicitor. Ruined my early weeks with my DS. When I see other news Mums now it always brings this back.
I hear nothing for 7 years - (apart from Via CSA who he says he is not the father to and refuses a DNA test) he then gets in touch demanding to see DS or he is taking me court. He sends sol. letters rewriting history and putting the absence down to me having told him he wasn't the father. (there are now three version of when that was)
There are a few -lots more bits but nothing that paints him any better inc. drugs, stolen goods and no income but has a mortgage and vehicles... etc.
My DS has a charmed, happy life and when he made contact he also left DS a gift and card on the doorstep that DS found and it scared him to death. DS has settled down now as this has been going on a while. In court in a few weeks. Scared of him and scared for the disruption to my DS. Heard all the rhetoric about the importance of a father and I did so much to engage ex in the past but my DS is settled there are many risks of the ex not keeping contact. Ex says he has no income so can't support financially and the legal fees are putting more stress on me as is the time off work and struggling to focus at work, I really can't loose my job. He get his fees paid for.
I am offering indirect contact to start with.
Am I being unreasonable.

OP posts:

thebody · 10/02/2013 21:22

Keep yourself and child away from him.

Post this in legal for advice.

Good luck xx

ImperialBlether · 10/02/2013 21:25

I wouldn't let him see my child unless a) I was forced to and b) it was in a contact centre where there was another adult who could make sure everything was OK.

I'd be tempted to emigrate, tbh.

Original poster

betterthanever · 10/02/2013 21:26

thanks thebody it is a unique case legally and they keep quoting all the things that say that the child should always see the father, it is so scary.

OP posts:

Original poster

betterthanever · 10/02/2013 21:30

I have thought about that imperial he has put parental responsibility on the application too. I think if I was going to run I would have had to do it by now with court papers being served and as we do have such a nice life I would loose so much. It's so hard.

OP posts:

yellowbrickrd · 10/02/2013 21:33

So he previously denied he was the father? Is he on the birth cert? If not then I think you are being far too reasonable and I think it's terrible that you are being forced into court with someone who has so far taken no part in your ds life.

thebody · 10/02/2013 21:38

What does your legal rep say?

Original poster

betterthanever · 10/02/2013 21:41

No he isn't on the birth certificate. Court have just made us have DNA tests this week. That is all that came out of the first time we went. It is unbelievable that he brings a contact case to court and then says he is not sure if he the Dad. The court process seems wrong to me - and all at tax payers expense (his side). I had to lie to DS obviously what the test was for. It has been just a living nightmare.

OP posts:

babyhammock · 10/02/2013 21:42

I've banged on about this before, but courts are supposed to follow the Sturge and Glaser expert report on child contact.

The Sturge report states [D-8 paragraph (ii)] that ?In the event that there is no meaningful relationship between the child and the NP and an established history of domestic violence there would need to be a very good reason to embark on a plan of introducing direct contact when the main evidence is of that non-residence parent?s capacity for violence within relationships?. It goes on to say that ?a father who has been found to have been domestically violent to the child?s mother should need to show positive grounds as to why, despite this, contact is in the child?s interests in order for an application to even be considered?.

The report then sets out various criteria that should be met, without which balance of advantage and disadvantage tips against contact. These are listed [D-10 (a) to (f)].

The report states that without (a) to (f) there would be a significant risk to the child?s general wellbeing and his emotional development. The report then goes on to say that with those criteria missing it is considered to potentially raise the likelihood of the most serious sequelae of children?s exposure to domestic violence, namely the increased risk of aggression and violence in the child generally.

Try and get hold of it from your solicitor. Hope that helps a bit. Keep strong and don't budge. You're his mum and you know much better than the system hell bent on forcing contact with abusive twats what is best for your child x

Original poster

betterthanever · 10/02/2013 21:45

My legal rep is getting better. I have discovered that most non legal aid lawyers have mainly represented men with loads of money trying to fend off women, which has also really shocked me about how women in general get treated in family law in general.
she has warned me (as have other legal sources I have tried) that despite everything he will probably get contact....
That is why I have posted here, I just wanted to hear from mums.....(and any dads who are on here).

OP posts:

Original poster

betterthanever · 10/02/2013 21:52

babyhammock thank you so much for that. In fact I can't thank you enough for that.

I will get onto my solicitor tomorrow about it.
He never actually hit me. I worry he would, his temper is shocking and when I was 7 months pregnant there was an incident in my house (I should never have let him in) when if a friend he didn't know about had not been in the other room and run into where we were, as she heard what was going on, it could of ended badly.

OP posts:

babyhammock · 10/02/2013 22:04

Domestic violence isn't just actual physical harm. Its psychological, verbal, emotional and financial abuse and threatening to physically hurt someone is a criminal offence if the victim felt that the threat was real at the time.

But do get hold of the report. Its excellent and the courts have been ordered by the high court to use it but it seldom even seems to get a mention .
Basically points a) to f) are where the other parent has to demonstrate a willingness to change and be able to put the child first. Your doesn't seem to be doing that at all does he.

All I can say is stand your ground and don't be bullied.
But yes I know its a living nightmare :(

Original poster

betterthanever · 10/02/2013 22:17

Thank you again. I will make sure I get hold of it.
My ex does not seem to be willing to change at all. Since he remade contact it has felt sadly, very familiar. He will deny everything I am sure, he has already tried to rewrite history. Friends and family are astounded. A few came with me to court, I couldn't walk in and out on my own. They could not believe how he behaved after all these years.
I take it you have had a bad experience, and I am so sorry to hear that.
I wish I had contacted the police back then but I am glad I had sent those solicitors letters, I still have them and do you know what, when I sent those I felt guilty, I think I felt a failure not being able to sort it out myself. Time has moved on now and this is about my son's safety. Your support is really appreciated.

OP posts:

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