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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up with the constant criticism.

25 replies

dontcallmehon · 10/02/2013 18:05

My mum is constantly criticising me, particularly the way I look. In the past she has criticised me for not making enough effort with my appearance. My hair was always tied back, I wasn't wearing make up, I looked scruffy etc. Now I have semi permanent eye lashes, have my hair hairlighted and cut professionally every six weeks, sometimes wear it straight with my new GHDs, always wear make up and have lost two stone. I now weigh 9 stone 2 at 5 foot 7 and am happy with that.

Today she said her friend had seen me at the school gates and said my hair was dry and out of condition and also that I look gaunt and anorexic. Mum said she was only being honest and she agreed and thought I should change hairdresser. Then she said she would take my daughters out, but I needed to get them dressed, as dh didn't dress them nicely..

I never claimed to be a supermodel, I'm just a mum and am feeling like I can't do anything right. Part of the reason I make such an effort is to please her. I can't seem to do anything right. I think I look ok. I like my hair. AIBU to just want her to leave me alone? I feel like I can't even park in my usual place for the school run in case her friend sees me and has another remark about me. Honestly, I'm no Angelina Jolie, but I think I'm acceptable!

OP posts:

HecateWhoopass · 10/02/2013 18:07

Tell her to stop.

Every time she makes another remark.

Another criticism, mum? Please stop it.

You have to tell her to stop it because it's hurting you.

I think it would take a very very hateful person to hear that they are hurting you and not change their behaviour.

And if they are that hateful - it's probably time to back away from them.

YourHandInMyHand · 10/02/2013 18:13

I would be fed up too but I'd have blown up by now and had it out with her.

Sounds like she is also putting your DH down too?

Why don't you consider pulling her up on every single negative comment for a certain amount of time (say a week, then make it to a month). If she hasn't been shamed into stopping by then I'd consider stopping contact with her.

Do you really want your dcs to grow up thinking it's okay to say such horrid negative things to people, or to hear their mum and dad being put down on a regular basis and putting up with it?

Original poster

dontcallmehon · 10/02/2013 18:14

I think I need to try. She's just dropped off a lot of make up for me. Sounds nice, doesn't it, but I know the agenda behind it.

OP posts:

CokeFan · 10/02/2013 18:19

Mine's a bit like that. It's the constant drip drip drip that gets to me. There's always something. I moved... 200 miles away.

We talk often on the phone and I visit her or she visits us for a few days but that's plenty.

HecateWhoopass · 10/02/2013 18:23

Agree with youhand.

Or even worse - it becomes so normal that one day you realise that you are treating your own children just the same.

It's amazing how often something comes out of our mouths and we stop, shocked, because the voice we just heard is our parent's.

LunaticFringe · 10/02/2013 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

breatheslowly · 10/02/2013 18:29

You can't let her take your daughters out if she is like this as it is likely that she will make comments about their appearance (and yours). She sounds shallow as does her friend.

Antipag · 10/02/2013 18:32

This is horrible but it sounds like as horrible as she is being, you are allowing yourself to be part of the problem by failing to correct her behaviour and letting her continue to put you down. You need to make a conscious decision to make her realise what she is doing to you. EVERY time she makes a comment that makes you feel this way say 'Gosh mum did you mean that to sound so spiteful?' If you do it every time, and always the same phrase se will soon realise and then it is only her that is persisting with the negative communication. You don't need to be confrontational about it, just be sure to address it each and every time.

Xales · 10/02/2013 18:33

you are never going to win on this one.

There will always be something wrong for your mother she sounds a bitch.

Too fat, too thin, wrong colour shoes etc

You can either ignore or say you are happy with it and end conversation.

Otherwise you are just going to let her hurt you over and over for nothing.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 10/02/2013 18:34

You are two five inches taller than me, and weight less than half what I do, and I have been to the hairdressers exactly once in the past eighteen years.
Would you like me to come round, dressed in lycra to display my tattoos to their best advantage, fling my arms round your mother shouting "mummy in law, I lurrveeee you, YOU CAN LICK MY RIPPLES" in front of all her friends, before inviting them all to our druidic wiccan naked handfasting ceremony at Midnight on Hallowe'en? Cos I will
Try not to let her get to you, at best she's thoughtless and tactless, and at worst spiteful, and you can do wihout it!
"Fuck off Mother" is a complete sentence

frustratedashell · 10/02/2013 18:36

How awful for you! You sound very nicely turned out. She needs telling. If she wont stop then maybe find something to criticise about her, give her a dose of her own medecine! If all else fails just dont see her much.

Original poster

dontcallmehon · 10/02/2013 18:37

Lol PomBear that sounds hilarious. Weirdly, she would probably love that though!

I do correct her and I told her today that I liked my hair and was happy the way I was. I doesn't seem to help. Every christmas and birthday she buys me something appearance related - make up/shoes/face cream etc and she is obsessed with plastic surgery and scrutinises every aspect of her own appearance.

She doesn't actually take the dds out often, so I don't think she would influence them too much.

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FanFuckingTastic · 10/02/2013 18:39

My mum is the same, tune it out! Nothing will ever reach her standards so you just focus on your own standards. Have a mum very similar.

HecateWhoopass · 10/02/2013 18:40

But have you told her that her remarks hurt you?

(even if you're pissed off, not hurt, tell her that it hurts you)

What would she say to that?

ChristmasJubilee · 10/02/2013 18:40

I would return the make up. Tell her you are happy with your appearance and the way your dh dresses the children and you would prefer that if she can't compliment you that she keep quiet. If she says anything else uncomplimentary ignore her and walk away. She should soon get the message.

ChristmasJubilee · 10/02/2013 18:41

Just saw your last post - she has a problem.

HandbagCrab · 10/02/2013 18:45

How about, 'its what's inside that counts mum!' next time she criticises you?

Just because she makes awful personal comments (or says someone else has) doesn't mean that she right. Even if she were right, it's better to be kind than right isn't it? I'm sure you don't go around ripping the appearance of your loved ones to shreds. And I'm sure you are absolutely fine as you are :)

Original poster

dontcallmehon · 10/02/2013 18:45

I don't think I have told her directly that she she has hurt me. I posted a while ago about her drunkenly ranting at me when I went out with her once and I didn't even tell her how horrible she was. I just avoid the subject when she asks me to go out again.

She does have issues with her own appearance, even though she looks amazing.

OP posts:

Antipag · 10/02/2013 18:45

There is a difference between saying 'well I like my hair mum' to 'are you being intentionally nasty'. The first one is defensive and from the sound of it that is her goal, and the second is offensive and requires her to immediately answer for herself. I had this kind of problem with my MIL, and I approached it much like you are, my sister suggested the change of tack and she stopped within weeks.

willesden · 10/02/2013 18:50

So much unkindness from your mother. YANBU. Flog that make up on ebay and buy something you really want.

Yfronts · 10/02/2013 18:54

every time she says something say 'you are always so mean to me, can't you just say when you like my hair/clothes/makeup instead. You are always so negative'

NicholasTeakozy · 10/02/2013 19:17

Don't tell her it hurts you when she puts you down, instead say something like "what a pity it is you get your pleasure out of belittling others. I'm so glad I'm not like you".

People like this are hard work and bloody horrible.

DontmindifIdo · 10/02/2013 19:37

i think you need to stop saying "well I'm happy as I am" and start saying "Mum, I've had enough of hearing your criticisms of my appearance. Do you realise every time I talk to you, you basically insult me in someway or other? Do you not realise it makes me hate talking to you? Stop it now. I don't want to hear another comment, positive or negative about my appearance from you ever again." then everytime, "I thought I told you I didn't want to listen to you commenting on my appearance, am I leaving/hanging up or are you going to stop?"

Original poster

dontcallmehon · 10/02/2013 20:37

Yes I think I need to be more direct. It is beginning to affect my self esteem to be honest.

OP posts:

Original poster

dontcallmehon · 10/02/2013 21:42

Thinking about it, I don't believe my mum's friend would have said those things. Why would you? I'm hardly exceptional enough to be worth commenting on!

OP posts:

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