AIBU Not to give DDs dad clothes?

[Genasai]

Ok a little bit of background... DDs dad and I broke up when she was 7 months old, and after that he firstly refused to pay maintenance, then forced me to go to CSA, after this he was ordered to pay £34 per week. Since then he has demanded that I provide everything for DD when she is at his. Formula until she was 18mo and also food until she was eating what we ate at 18mo and I refused to give him it any more. I was still giving him whole milk until she came off that at 2 (November). I still pay for all the nappies and wipes she uses at his house.

I've been on benefits since being made redundant and have to pay £80 towards my rent as housing benefit doesn't cover it (I only live in a 2 bedroom terraced, nothing fancy) and am having to pay back £40 a month to the council for a rent/deposit loan after he left us homeless when we split. He also comes to my house once a week for dinner so he can spend more time with DD.

DDs dad is Dutch and his parents live in NL, his mum is visiting every 6-8 weeks and usually brings little things for DD. So far he has 2 sweaters, a poncho and a dress from her, as well as slippers and welly boots from people there as birthday gifts.

When DD had a growth spurt recently I didn't have enough money to buy her all the new clothes she needed and asked him if I could have he clothes he has to help me out, especially the sweaters as it's bloody cold and they are expensive!

He's refused and told me they were HER things and they are for at HIS house... I think he's being bloody unreasonable and we ended up having a fight when he returned her today, where I told him fine, I'll keep the clothes I have for her and you keep the ones you have. He said that's not fair because they are HER clothes, and I said yes, so are the ones you have...

AIBU if I no longer send DD with clothes and expect him to provide them for her? She stays at his house for the weekend every other week.

You should not be doing that, whilst at his house it's his responsibility to provide for his child. There was a similar thread a few weeks ago and one of the posters said tat the court judged ruled tat whilst their dc were at his house he had to provide

My XH and I share our DCs 50/50 but he is considered the resident parent, because on a standard week he has the children for 4 nights. I pay him maintenance because of this.
When they come to my house, I still provide everything they need. All they bring with them is their phones!

So no, YANBU. HE is!

Your poor dd in the middle of this.

he makes you provide FOOD when she is at his - wow! he sound lovely :(

What did he say when you pointed out his hypocrisy?

And no, you are not being unreasonable. I am particularly shocked that he expected you to provide food for his child to eat while with him!

He'll be one of those who thinks you're living it up on 'his' money, no doubt

He needs to grow up!

No child needs to pairs of wellies or two sets of clothes they grow too fast.

Pjs at the other parents and some toys, but duplicating warm clothes and footwear is barking mad.

It never ceases to amaze me as to the depths some men will sink to avoid having to contribute to their DCs upbringing.

Let him keep the clothes but I would not be sending milk, nappies or wipes in the future.

You shouldn't be providing anything for her at his house. Whilst she is in his care, he has full responsibility for her, including food and entertainment. So what if he pays a paltry sum of csa, her actual costs will come to more than over 3k a year.

This needs to be stopped now. Otherwise I can see that in future you will get bills for zoos, thorpe park and other stuff he does with her.

Your poor dd in the middle of this.

• I feel this way too, that's why I have always provided everything for her, but I'm just getting sick of his attitude.

What did he say when you pointed out his hypocrisy?

• He just told me I was being unreasonable and unfair to DD.

He'll be one of those who thinks you're living it up on 'his' money, no doubt hmm

• He is EXACTLY like this, he's always telling me he is broke because of maintenance (he earns 17k before tax) and I even lent him £500 for a new car which I let him repay at £25 pcm - Yet he is still always telling me that he gives me money so he is entitled to things (wipes and nappies) for DD at his.

No child needs to pairs of wellies or two sets of clothes they grow too fast.

• I've tried explaining to him that the use she will get out of these clothes (52 nights a year) make it pointless, she is with him for 48 hours every 2 weeks. And he rarely takes her out of the house.

This needs to be stopped now. Otherwise I can see that in future you will get bills for zoos, thorpe park and other stuff he does with her.

• He only ever takes her out places with his mum visits and she pays!

My DSS has a full wardrobes worth of stuff at ours, don't get me wrong, as he's now14 more expensive things like coats etc go between houses and turs are taken to buy them, but I'd never expect his mum to buy food for ours. Mad.

He sounds just LOVELY. Difficult one though - DSS's mum provides absolutely nothing at all for DSS when he is with us, and certainly doesn't let him bring anything. Over the years we have just got used to it, but it can't be easy for DSS. On the other hand, I know parents who send the DC's off with little suitcases with everything, because as RP's they get CSA and all the WTC's etc so it is seen as their financial responsibility. I would hate that for DSS - I do want him to feel that this is his second home, complete with all his stuff.

What would he do if you did send her without clothes?

I have always sent her with everything she needs and allowed her to take toys if she wants and DVDs that her dad has asked to borrow, but it's never offered the other way.
I always send her with 3 outfits, including vests and socks/tights, plus 2 PJs/sleepsuits, jumpers, shoes and of course what she's wearing, including her coat.

I've even told him before he can keep what I have sent there to stop the back and forth, but he still sent the clothes back AND her laundry bag from his for me to wash!

What would he do if you did send her without clothes?

• I honestly don't know... He will visit here 2 times before his next weekend with her, so I think I'll tell him I want him to bring the clothes he has of I won't give her anything.

I know it sounds harsh and unfair to DD, but I feel I have to do something... :\

I agree with you. Don't send your dd with anything as he can provide for her. He should be feeding her regardless. Get all the clothes off him as she will grow out of them.

Even if he provides you with the clothes, I still wouldn't be sending supplies with DD when she went to his, I really wouldn't.

I don't see why this needs to be a bargaining issue of whether he sends clothes to yours for DD then you will continue sending DD with supplies, and if he doesn't send the clothes, you wont provide supplies.
You shouldn't be providing supplies for your DD while she is with your ex full stop, irrespective of whether he provides the clothes or not.
The clothes are a completely separate issue imo. If he chooses to keep them, that's his choice, and possibly he's being a bit of an arse about it, but his mother gave them to him I am assuming, to give to DD. It is up to him if he keeps them there for your DD or gives them to you, but the rest needs sorting, not as a tit for tat thing, but to be fair to you both, and as a result, fairer to your DD.

While your ex has DD, it is his responsibility to provide what she needs, and vice versa.

The CSA will have assessed maintenance based on number of days a month he has her and they will have assumed he is providing for her on those days. Is he aware of that?