To think there is nothing wrong with planning the future?

[SweetieBrown]

DP told me last year that he'd be buying a house in a few months time and he'd like me to move in with him with my children. When I brought it up a few weeks later he said he was still getting to know my children and the way we work as a unit and it was too early to plan anything or know anything for sure. I took that as his messing me about a bit to be honest and put my guard up from then on.

Last month he brought it up again and said he really wanted us to move in together when he buys a house in about 6 months time. Because of what happened last time, I rubbished this and more or less told him to jog on and said I didn't believe him. He brought it up again and I reacted the same, dismissed it.

But I want to stop messing about and actually be able to make plans with him so I'm going to bring it up again tonight. However, he has a habit of not wanting to discuss anything if a big event is happening before it. For example, last year we had two holidays booked, a weekend in Paris and a week in Egypt. Although Egypt was clearly the bigger, better holiday he refused to even discuss it until Paris had been and gone. On the run up to Christmas, he refused to discuss anything happening in the new year until Christmas had been and gone. Now, we have Egypt coming up in roughly 5 weeks time so me bringing up the house thing will go one of two ways -

He'll either react positively and say "yes, I meant it, let's look into it"

or he'll say

"yes, I meant it but it's too early to start planning anything, we have the holiday to get through yet"

2nd scenario much more likely, in fact I'd bet money on it.

AIBU to find this incredibly frustrating?? I don't know whether to bother decorating my current house or anything, I feel like I can't look forward to something which is essentially a huge step in our relationship and a new chapter in our lives.

So aibu if I tell him "yes, I know we have Egypt coming up but after that we have birthdays, weddings, concerts, festivals and god knows what else happening and I feel I should have the right to discuss something with you which would have a huge impact on mine and my children's lives??

Your DP isn't doing anything wrong, you are just different people.

I'm like your DP, I don't like putting too much energy into thinking about big things until other big things have been and gone. So while I know that are happening and will be looking forward to them, I just don't like putting too much thought into planning the detail months in advance.

My DH doesn't find it frustrating, he just accepts that we see things differently sometimes. He can get on with planning whatever he wants without it bothering me.

I don't think you should hold off on decorating or get it done now based on his say so. Do what you want to do now, and make your own mind up. I'd find it quite frustrating if someone based what they were doing around me when it was nothing to do with me.

Even before I had children I erred on the safe side and didn't like leaving things to chance. My motto was even less "let's just wing it" after DCs arrived. That's just me though, you might be braver. Is your DP not taking into account the fact you have your DCs to consider and safeguard? Holidays are one thing but something as essential as a home is another. I wouldn't question his commitment to you, as Clouds says you are probably two different types, but this might be a foretaste of how he deals with things.

You can't be having this hanging over you, it's too big a deal to have any vagueness over. If you raise it and he says to wait until the holiday I would tell him that that means you are not going to be moving for the foreseeable future and if he wants you and the DCs to move in with him then he needs to raise it with you at a time when you can discuss it and put a plan of action in place to do it in a reasonable time frame.

"I took that as his messing me about a bit to be honest and put my guard up from then on."
IMO he was messing you about. Blowing hot and cold, reeling you in with no commitment on his part to follow through.

"So aibu if I tell him "yes, I know we have Egypt coming up but after that we have birthdays, weddings, concerts, festivals and god knows what else happening and I feel I should have the right to discuss something with you which would have a huge impact on mine and my children's lives??"
Of course YANBU. But I really don't think you'll get anywhere. And this wouldn't just be the case for moving in together, but for every plan ever after. Can you live that way?

My mil is like this she doesn't plan more than a few hours ahead. It is very frustrating. If you try to arrange anything in advance she refuses to commit, she prefers to ring and invite you over in 10 minutes time and then gets arsey because you have made other plans.

There seems to be a common theme on MN of boyfriends who tell their girlfriends they are buying a house in 6 months.

Frequently it is connected with cocklodging.

This is the OP who constantly posts in relationships about the same thing over and over and over again and never comes back to reply. This is OP's 3rd thread today.

Does he say these things after a drink? I know someone who is all talk after a few beers and his partner laps it all up but 4 years later he's still just crashing at hers.

Haven't you posted this several times already?