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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To approach the TA?

22 replies

Feminine · 10/02/2013 14:58

We live in a tiny village, with a tiny village school. Most people know each other etc...

Our son(9) has complained to me about a certain TA not being very kind to him. Silly things like ds not hearing her and asking "what did you say" and her respondinggrowling with "we say PARDON" TA asking for DS to find a book, him doing so-telling her, and then she responds with "don't crowd me"

There have been many petty situations like this, but...DS is very sad, she works mainly in his classroom so he sees a lot of her.

I chat with her regularly on a chitty chatty pass the time of day way most days!
I'd like to say something directly to her, in a way that I know whats going on.

DS has very mild SN , one of which is a working memory type issue.

So, WIBU to speak to her, or...his Teacher (and as it is a small village school) is also friends with her,

OP posts:

noblegiraffe · 10/02/2013 15:06

Not sure I can see a problem with her correcting his manners or asking him not to crowd her?

porridgewithalmondmilk · 10/02/2013 15:12

Neither can I, giraffe, but to be fair, I have seen teachers and TAs "take against" a child for no real reason and make them pretty unhappy in such a way that it isn't something you can exactly put your finger on.

I am a teacher, no not teacher-bashing, but it DOES happen.

You could probably approach the TA and explain that your DS can take things to heart a bit and ask her to give him a bit of TLC - I hope you can resolve this, situations like this can be difficult.

fluffyraggies · 10/02/2013 15:17

I was a TA for ages and ages :)

I think you need to work out what you want exactly. It will help you find the right words to say. If you are that friendly with her i wouldn't go through the teacher tbh. It would seem a little odd somehow.

Part of the answer might be to explain to your DS that school is not like at home. Perhaps because he knows you and she are friendly he finds it hard to be treated as 'one of the class'.

I don't personally see much to be worried about with the two examples you have given. Weather she is being 'kind' or not is a bit of a subjective matter really.

Nanny0gg · 10/02/2013 15:18

I would speak to the teacher tbh.
If the TA takes umbrage you're stuffed. Much better to approach it through the correct avenue imo.

fluffyraggies · 10/02/2013 15:23

If it's approached properly there's no reason why the TA should 'take umbrage' or why anyone should be 'stuffed'

catgirl1976 · 10/02/2013 15:25

I'd have a word about "pardon" :) but that's a whole other thread

lovesmileandlaugh · 10/02/2013 15:26

I think I would go through the teacher or even the SENCO at the school. Although it isn't a SN issue, it is a good way to get in and explain that he is having some difficulties and is feeling sad about school. I wouldn't necessarily single the TA out, but just give examples of things that have bothered him.
Part of growing up is dealing with people that you just don't click with, and he will come out of this with skills for high school where he is more likely to come across teachers he just doesn't get on with.

CloudsAndTrees · 10/02/2013 15:59

No, I don't think it's acceptable for you to go directly to the TA and give her a threatening type 'I know what you're doing'. TAs shouldn't have to deal with irate parents.

She didn't say anything wrong by telling him pardon is more polite than 'what did you say' and she didn't do anything wrong if she told him not to crowd her if he was getting too close.

mrsbunnylove · 10/02/2013 16:04

i support catgirl, here. 'pardon' is hardly ever the right thing to say.

if you speak to the TA, speak to her first and diarise it. be friendly and ask for help. tell her about the extra support your ds needs. ask her to keep an eye on him for you. then, you've given her a chance.

a week later, if things haven't improved, speak to the teacher.

(and i'm a teacher, too. secondary. we have a lot of respect for our TAs, they are qualified and experienced professionals, not just a dogsbody. so if you have a problem with the TA and you are already in contact with her, i'd do her the courtesy of speaking to her directly, first.)

mrsbunnylove · 10/02/2013 16:05

they/a? sunday. they are not dogsbodies. la, but you lot are fussy.

weblette · 10/02/2013 16:07

Talk to the teacher, not the TA.

Nanny0gg · 10/02/2013 16:20

It's not a question of them being 'dogsbodies', and if the DC was in Reception, say, and it was about a lost coat or something, then fine.

But I think it's more of a classroom management situation and therefore the OP needs to speak to the 'manager', ie the teacher.

mrsbunnylove · 10/02/2013 16:22

talk to the TA because you already do so, regularly. how would you like it if someone you often conversed with did what they believed to be 'going over your head' instead of speaking to you?

MammaTJ · 10/02/2013 16:40

I had a similar situation with my DD. I just said to the teacher 'She is convinced you don't like her, can you make sure she thinks otherwise?'. It gave the opportunity for change without accusation.

BackforGood · 10/02/2013 16:58

I'm with NobleGiraffe - from what you've put in your OP, I can't see what the problem is supposed to be ?

Whoknowswhocares · 10/02/2013 17:19

He's 9. There will be teachers, TA's and come to that other children that he will not like and not gel with, or who will not gel with him for whatever reason.

I can't really see anything from what you've written that would constitute anything particularly unprofessional in her behaviour. Unless she singles him out.....what is she like with others? Or there are more concrete examples of where she has been unfair or unprofessional?

Original poster

Feminine · 10/02/2013 17:22

Thanks for all replies.

The actual comments are not too bad (IMO) but...the feeling behind (I suspect might be) Its not her place to teach him to say "pardon" when a polite "what did you say" is actually a bit nicer

I know she is aware that we relocated from the US, my son is still quite American, plus with his SN he needs help understanding commands. I was just going to have a little chat with her, maybe mentioning DS , to get a feeling from her? I take on board that maybe I should speak with his teacher though. Its all so cozy at the school...

OP posts:

Whoknowswhocares · 10/02/2013 17:25

Oooooh, good irony there op 'it's not her place to teach him'

I kind of get your point though!

Yfronts · 10/02/2013 17:44

I can't see anything wrong with what she has said. Good manners is probably in the curriculum somewhere in some form but maybe you could mention to the teacher that DS is feeling sensitive and feels the TA doesn't like him.

thebody · 10/02/2013 18:08

I am a TA in reception and I think it's absolutely part if my job to teach manners so I expect a please and thank you just like I extend good manners to the children. It's being a good role model.

Sharing, taking turns, all taught and all good manners.

As regards the crowding thing that's surely an Americsn expression isn't it?

I do tell the children not to crowd round me if its a safety issue or they are all talking at once.

I can't really see what she has done wrong but chat to her by all means.

Narked · 10/02/2013 18:15

Pardon is nasty.

Original poster

Feminine · 10/02/2013 18:23

ds does have good manners...just not in her opinion.

He has been complaining for a while to me, I've been brushing it off as I also agree its important to mix with/get on with all kinds of people.

I remember that at primary school there were some 'blue house coat' dinner ladies who didn't like me...I am aware he could be doing nothing wrong and she might just not like his face!

Its tricky.

OP posts:

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