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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up when people have an opinion on how many children you have or want

471 replies

brummiegirl1 · 09/02/2013 20:58

I have 2 young boys aged 2 and 7 months and would like 4 children if i'm lucky enough as i was an only child and knew i wanted a big family. Before i went off on maternity leave with my youngest a woman at work said are you done now and i said i would like more children in the future and she said im mad.

Other people have also asked the same thing. Is it me? I wouldn't dream commenting on how many children someone wants or has as it's up to them, when im asked now i feel all defensive about it and don't want to tell them like im a naughty teenager not a 33 year old married woman!

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 12/02/2013 15:08

CheerfulYank - child benefit used to be universal and was like a tax break, in recognition of the fact that it is expensive raising children and is useful to society as a whole. It was paid to the mother (usually), so that all women would have access to money of their own.

The Tory government has just removed it for people earning over 50K.

CheerfulYank · 12/02/2013 15:09

We don't have CB here as such. But you can deduct a certain amount per child from your taxes and the money you've spent on daycare/preschool. But that's money you've already paid.

I think if you get welfare you get a certain amount per kid?

juule · 12/02/2013 15:09

It does give a starting point though. Although I would hope it would be asked tactfully by midwives.

And personally I think £4000 a year would make a big difference.

Annunziata · 12/02/2013 15:11

I really strongly disagree (having been asked it a lot). I think you should only ask people you're really close to. Why people even think it is their business is beyond me.

CheerfulYank · 12/02/2013 15:11

That's more than DH and I make, that's for sure. :)

CheerfulYank · 12/02/2013 15:12

But then again we live in a small town and houses, etc are quite cheap here. Plus insurance for us all takes a bite out of DH's salary.

juule · 12/02/2013 15:14

I've been asked it too. And it's one of the remarks I didn't find offensive. Horses for courses I suppose.

Annunziata · 12/02/2013 15:18

Each to their own I suppose. I find it very embarrassing.

cantspel · 12/02/2013 15:45

BahrainB You mention the egyptian lady you met in the park with 8 children and large families being the norm in egypt.
Egypt's youth population is very high. 25% of their population is aged between 18 and 29 and there population is still growing at an alarming rate.
Egypt has an unemployment rate of over 12% of the workforce and 90% of these people are under 30. Bear in mind that in egypt there will only be a very small percentage of women working so the true figure if you included women would be much much higher.
Youth unemployment was a key factor in the Arab Spring uprisings and yet even since then unemployment has failed to drop. (nor will it and i can see it only getting worse as the country gets more and more unstable)

Do large families still look so appealing?

Lafaminute · 12/02/2013 15:56

It's just something fairly inane to say!! Like "cold out isn't it??!!" or wow: hats off to you - not sure I could. They don't really want a 1000 word essay justifying your ideal number of children!
Better than having them empty is the worst response ever though: seriously cruel. I have a friend who has 5 boys - when people comment she says: better than 5 girls which I think is soooo insulting to any little girls! A lot (more than 1 or 2) of children can seem overwhelming to some people.
People sometimes say I've my hands full when they see my ONE ds who can be a handful!

juule · 12/02/2013 16:01

"It's just something fairly inane to say!! Like "cold out isn't it??!!" or wow: hats off to you - not sure I could. They don't really want a 1000 word essay justifying your ideal number of children! "

I agree with this. Well, in most cases.

Annunziata · 12/02/2013 16:49

No! The answer to 'cold out, isn't it?' is 'freezing, terrible, we're going to catch our deaths of cold, I so hope the summer is better or else I'm emigrating.' And wow, well you just politely laugh and say you're used to it.

But were they planned? You're asking if my children were accidents or were you using birth control! It's not like asking about the weather.

FellatioNels0n · 12/02/2013 18:25

I imagine the number of people who have actually planned and executed the birth of 6+ children is very, very small indeed. The amount of people who planned to just disregard birth control and see what happened is another matter. That's not the same as 'unplanned' is it? It's planning to leave it in the hands of fate/God.

Annunziata · 12/02/2013 18:53

That's probably true, but it still doesn't mean that mums with 6+ deserve to be questioned about their family planning!

CheerfulYank · 12/02/2013 18:55

My aunt with six left hers in the hands of "oh it's not really true that antibiotics and birth control pills don't mix is it?!" It is true and he's 14 and called Joe. :)

Saski · 12/02/2013 19:08

OK, sure, it's rude to question anyone about why they would choose to have 6 kids. But equally, it's rude to just give the earth an extra push towards self-destruction - because this makes me feel as though my own kids (2) are going to have it that much harder. That's how people who object to big families see it, and they've got science on their side.

Just saw another depressing segment on depleted fish stocks today.

I don't agree with making people uncomfortable about people (kids) who are already here. That's silly. What I do think is sensible is making overpopulation more a part of the public discourse.

fedupofnamechanging · 12/02/2013 19:24

There are depleted fish stocks because people over fish and take the little ones, preventing stocks from replenishing. It's got little to do with people having more than 2 kids.

FellatioNels0n · 12/02/2013 19:25

I think people are just very curious Annunziata. Someone who willingly has/wants a very large family is relatively unusual in our society so I guess people want to get into that bit of their psyche and understand why. I know I do.

I think anyone who makes an unusual/controversial lifestyle choice of any sort has to expect that people will be curious.

I remember meeting a woman once, who had 8 children. When it came up in conversation that she has 8 my jaw dropped - I couldn't help it. I said something like 'what, all actually yours? Not step children, or a blended family, or foster children or anything?'

I was quite gobsmacked that a man and a woman had had 8 children together. She took it very well. Maybe she was smiling at me through clenched teeth - I don't know, but she didn't seem overly offended. I asked her directly if she was Catholic. She was. For me it was the only logical explanation - I just could not comprehend that someone would actually choose to have eight children if they felt the choice was theirs to make.

Annunziata · 12/02/2013 19:50

I understand that Fellatio (I am one of 8 myself!). I'm quite happy to answer questions- but I find 'were they planned' so, so rude. Do you want me to turn round and say 'no, well, number 2 was a drunken accident, 3 is adopted and 6 was a holiday moment of madness'?!

Asking me if they are all mine wouldn't bother me at all. Or if I am Catholic, although that's a bit obvious!

juule · 12/02/2013 19:56

Surely if a stranger asked you were they all planned you would just answer "of course" or something similar. You don't hsve to go into detail and they are probably not expecting detail. Same as when someone says "Hi. How are you?" If you didn't really know them you would probably answer "Fine. Thanks". Not go on about any medical/personal problems you have.

Annunziata · 12/02/2013 20:03

But why ask the question if you don't want to know the answer? It is so much more personal than 'how are you'.

AmberSocks · 12/02/2013 23:17

i have 4,and we will have more,at least 2 more

we provide for them ourself,dont receive any benefits,not child benefit or tax credits either

i breastfeed,use cloth nappies,grow fruit and veg,we do have 1 car,and we recycle and i buy the kids organic fairtrade clothes and hand a lot of them down.i buy natural products for cleaning and cosmetic use.they also dont use schools and have never visited a doctor,so compared to a lot of people with less children,we consume little and our carbon footprint would be small-ish.

it doesnt bother me when people say youve got your hands full or how do you manage,as i can tell they dont mean it in a nasty way,but it is rather rude to asked if they were planned,i dont think anyones ever asked me that.

coralanne · 13/02/2013 05:39

AmberSocks so relieved to read your post. My DD has 5 and basically does all the things you do.

I was a bit worried when she decided to Home Ed the DC but it is working really, really well. Can't believe how articulate and knowledgeable they are.

What amazes me the most when people find out that the DC are home schooled. The first thing EVERYONE says is "How do they socialise with other DC if they don't go to school"?

I can't even be bothered responding to this question.

CheerfulYank · 13/02/2013 05:49

One of my DS's good friends is homeschooled and he is a lovely boy! Home ed isn't for us but I know some wonderful kids who are taught at home. :)

giraffesCantFlipPancakes · 13/02/2013 06:05

Oh yes, being a nanny I get it all the time!

Just because I want kids doesn;t mean it is easy to have them, it is not like buying some chocolate!