Housekeeping and housework

[grumpo]

To set the scene, I have a fulltime job, my DP does not work. My working hours are quite long and I normally don't get home before 7PM. I often have to work at home and at weekends.

I give DP £500 a month "housekeeping" (plus she gets the full child allowance). She does not pay any bills, I pay for the main weekly shop (which we do together) and I normally pay for any other items for the house. She will buy bread and other odd items during the week, the rest she spends on herself. Do people think £500 is reasonable, to much, too little?

Our house probably cannot be described as being tidy. It is cluttered and I've tried to clear a lot of my stuff up, to try and set a good example. However, she shows no interest in tidying. The vacuum cleaner rarely gets used (only after arguments and never upstairs unless I do it), the fridge rarely has its contents removed to be thoroughly cleaned (unless I do it, when I'm told she was just about to do it), the oven is never cleaned (unless I do it), cobwebs, grease all over the kitchen, etc. etc. Mentioning this and asking if she could do a bit more leads to an argument, which makes me feel bad and that I'm being unreasonable (which I may be?).

I'm thinking about getting a cleaner regularily but this is expensive and I'm not sure that's going to work with DP.

At the moment, I just try and accept it but it makes me depressed, especially when I see other homes. I don't want it to be pristine, a bit cluttered and chaotic but hygienic is fine.

AIBU?

Ok, fine.

Have her flogged.

I hate to bring up the WOHM/SAHM thing.
But.

I do all the washing.
I do all the cooking during the week (and make packed lunches).

I work full time.

Doing all the washing and cooking hardly takes most of the day.

We all work.

I have a job outside of the home, too.

I have to squeeze all the laundry into the weekend which is why I can quantify it so accurately.

I probably need flogging for taking so long about it. And for chopping all that allotment food up, so we can live within our means.

If she wants to stay at home and I completely agree she should be doing the majority of cleaning and not expect you to when you come in but if you do be a bonus?

YANBU. But surely she must have been like this right from the beginning of your relationship. Why is it bothering you now? I doubt she's going to change.

YANBU. She is being lazy and taking advantage of you.

"washing does not take long at all" - have to disagree there. Washing is the bane of my (mainly sahm) life. I don't think it is helpful to minimise the contribution made by someone who does 100% of the family washing and cooking.

Where I actually have a lot of sympathy the or is that he wants someone to share the earning of the family money. As they now have one mid-teen dc, then there is no real reason why his dp should not be earning some sort of proper income.

But if she were to work full time, then he would need to share all household chores more or less equally, including washing and cooking, for it to be fair.

Are you single redskyatnight?

The washing machine may spin round for an hour but that does not mean that you are actually slaving away for those hours.

I have a family of six sometimes seven to wash for, can't imagine it takes ten hours. I gather clothes - 5 minutes. Put them in a machine and press a button .

Oh my god OP your wife is taking the piss!

Stays at home indulging in her art hobby, one teen DC, does the washing and the cooking but no cleaning? I call lazy cow. I can't believe people are defending her! If this was a woman posting it would be all "LTB" and "clock lodger"

£500 disposble income a month is pretty decent if its just to fritter away and not for food shopping, savings, holidays etc.

She's obviously not happy with the arrangement tho, seeing as cleaning is beneath her. OP have you asked her why she doesn't manage to get any cleaning done? Suggest to her she pays for a cleaner out of her £500 and sorts it out ASAP.

If I was working lomg hours and my other half was say at home indulging in a hobby on my dime, if bloody expect to come home to a clean house and a tastey meal stepford wives style.

I think if you are out at work all day of is fair enough to expect most of the housework to be done.

She is taking the piss.

I don't really imagine that lots of posters on MN can imagine my life.

But I spend ten hours a week doing all the laundry from start to finish.

I think calling the OP's partner a 'lazy cow' is unnecessary. He came on here to ask about getting a cleaner amongst other things, not to have his DP character assassinated.

Seriously linerunner, how much do you have to do and what do you do with it that it takes 10 hours without ironing, I am genuinely intrigued?

I have ten hours of laundry to do a week, from start to finish. I can't really say it any differently.

Jeez, if my laundry took 10 of the 168 hours in the week I'd have to give up sleeping!

Have you ever thought of a career in stand-up?

OP, how long has your partner been solely responsible for housework? And how much mess do you create?

I'm solely responsible for housework. My DH is incredibly messy. I lower my standards each week. We now live in comfortable chaos. If I wanted to keep a lovely clean, tidy home I'd have to follow him around. All the time. I'm not a slave.

No Linerunner but I might try it given all the spare time I save on my laundry!

We could do a double act, Bear.

What does she do all day?

Equations.

Actually if you're ever passing, you can come and sort me out on the domestic front. I'm not a natural.

Linerunner, that made me laugh cos I am an accountant! I'll do your washing if you do my cooking!

Sorted

I think you should set up a account for all bills to come out of which pays for all expenses including shopping. Also if you want to save etc that has to go into the savings account. Then whatever's lefts after bills, savings, etc then you divide the amount equally between you and your wife which will be your spending money.

You never mentioned how much you are left with to spend on yourself each month?

I also agree that if your working long hours if she's fit and well she could do more around the home. I would say the artwork is a hobby really because it doesn't generate any income bar £20. However having said that if it's a new business with her art then possibly she is spending all her time getting it going, then that would be different. If she's been at it a long time and still only bringing in £20 then she's obviously not doing much in way of running it as a business.
Like another lady suggested she could do cleaning a few hours each day in the morning then do her artwork in the afternoon and some evenings/ weekends.
A member of my family is an artist and he has set up a website/ starting new company but also works doing freelance work in another field which actually takes up full time hours too. So there's enough time really if your organised.

I have ten hours of laundry to do a week, from start to finish. I can't really say it any differently

I was going to call bullshit on that, but actually I can see how for a family of 5 it mounts up.

3 to 5 loads of bed linen a week depending on size of bed and a once weekly change.
3 towel loads a week assuming a once weekly change.
8 normal loads a week maybe.
Any extra loads if you have sport playing DCs or a baby or other extra washing requirement.

By the time you've sorted, hung out to dry, folded and put away and changed the beds I can see how it adds up. If you're using a tumble dryer I don't really get it tho.

As soon as I have DCs I'm going to have a 'tumble dry' only rule and my hang things out like I do at the moment!

I'd say laundry takes about ten hours - and that includes maybe two hours ironing (which I hate - so call it 'two episodes of something on tv'). By the time your girls are teens there's also real hand washing of delicate jumpers - hands in cold water stuff - not things which say 'hand wash' and then you throw in the machine anyway.

Grumpo you don't mention what your DP has to say about all this - WHY does she treat you like a bank account and not do any housework? Does she spend a lot of time with your teen on time consuming hobbies? Her own art hobby is not a fair reason to sponge off someone else - I have a time consuming dressmaking hobby, work part time and do all the housework ( as DH has a FT challenging job). Thing is we've chosen that division of duties together, discussed it and decided that work for us. This clearly isn't working for you so you do need to talk it through - its never too late to change a bad situation.