To give up on BIL?

[TheElephantIsADaintyBird]

Asking this as DP is at his wits end with BIL and doesn't know what to do next. It's a bit of a boring one but means a lot to DP so bear with me.

Basically BIL never wants to see us or MIL, we ask quite often but the reply is always "I'll check with DP and let you know" then he never let's us know and it gets forgotten about, or "nah I've got loads of uni work/we're busy/some other lame excuse" DP and BIL share the same group of friends and the only time we really see him is when we all go out for drinks or get togethers, but this means we are never seeing DPs nephew.

BIL just doesn't seem to care about us. He makes no effort to come see our DS. The only time he goes to see his mum is when he wants her to babysit or wants something off her. Both DP and MIL are feeling very hurt and unloved by him :(

DP has tried sitting him down and talking to him, he's tried talking to his girlfriend but its like talking to a brick wall. From what BIL says they seem to see his girlfriends family a lot, they see her dad every Sunday and her mum quite a few week nights. He has plenty of time to go out on all day bike rides with his friend or all day drinking sessions with friends, so the uni work excuse is a pile of bull IMO.

So WWYD? Do we just leave it and never see BIL or DNephew?

Even if his excuses are a pile of bull, why are you hounding the poor bloke and guilt tripping him into visiting when he clearly doesnt want to.

All day bike rides and drinking sessions with his friends sound like fun, he's obviously a young guy and is enjoying himself.

Why should he be forced to visit simply because you are related. He's clearly at a different stage in life that he, selfishly as you may deem it, want to do fun things and spending time with you and your ds is not floating his boat.

I find it bizarre that your dp has tried sitting him down and talking to him and even going via his girlfriend.

I'd leave it tbh, being constantly nagged by someone isn't exactly going to make him want to visit.

I agree with missmoo. You can't force people to spend their time in ways you want them to.

It sounds like there is still a relationship there with his side of the family so I suppose the choices are to accept it for what it is, or accept that you're feeling resentful, stop doing whatever and be prepared for seeing him and dn less.

We are not constantly hounding him we ask maybe once every 4 weeks and the answer is always no, he's busy.

DP has sat him down to talk to him because he's sick of never seeing his nephew or brother, he's also upset at the fact his mum is hurting because her son never wants to see her unless he wants a free babysitter.

I just think its sad that he's got a brother and mother desperate to see him and spend time with him yet he doesn't care.
Fair enough though, we'll leave him to it if that's the general consensus.

I get frustrated with my brother, but his life is very full on and he's not as interested. Tbh I wasn't bothered about it, but now he has my lovely dniece I feel like I should see her more/my kids should see their cousin.
However, it's not the end of the world and there's not really anything I can do about it. I certainly wouldn't nag him or his wife. I just go for saying 'we'd love to see more of you- can we come on _ date?'-that's the kind of thing I say to his wife too.
I think grandparents do have a right to be involved and can be a little more emphatic about it-my mum just tells them when she's coming to see dniece (not an ott amount) and that's that.

So your BiL has a full on l;ife and your DH and MiL are pissed off that he won't make time for them.

I wonder how your BiL views his childhood.

You're right to leave him alone even if it upsets your dh and MiL, some people choose not to be family orientated.

Simple answer here.

Dh needs to let go of feeling bad because of his brothers and mum relationship. She could refuse to babysit and stop feeling used. That relationship is between mil and bil.

Its quite obvious bil isn't interested in loads of family time. Sitting someone down to explain why they should be interested is pretty patronising.

It would he nice if your dp and his brother were closer and your son saw more of how uncle. But that's not the relationship bil wants.

Your dp cannot control someone else, only his reaction and action. He needs to let it go.

YOu have to accept he doesnt WANT to see you. He isn't as emeshed in extended family as you are.

So all I can say is, leave avenues of communication open, but stop projecting onto him