To ask how I can be less obsessive over housework

[McNewPants2013]

I know this is the only issue in my marriage.

I feel that it is putting cracks in my relationship, this week I have been ill and I can not let the housework slip.

I know I am turning into the wife from hell. DH can't do no right. An example is that I scrub the bath after I have had a bath but all he does is rinse.

It has hit me today as dd ( aged3) was playing in her bedroom and said sorry mummy I will put away my toys.

How did I turn into a mother whose children are afraid to play because of mess.

Glad someone will find my mantra helpful

Obviously I know that in some ways there is no such thing as 'normal' but it has helped me so much in loads of ways.

*Cling-on relative who won't stop phoning? 'What would normal people do?' Speak once a week/month/year.

*Can't throw away? 'What would normal people do?' Keep/throw

*Kids being irritating? WWNPD?

*Can't decide whether I am overreacting? Go on AIBU.

You get the idea. It is why this forum exists, surely!

My cousin grew up in a similar environment and it was not nice at all. It was damaging for everyone, not only for children. Luckily, she had an escape option since her parents were actually divorced, so when things got rough at her father's place, she just went stay with her mum. But she was not able to do that as a child when she was literally trapped in the situation similar to what you described. She was expected to follow the same cleaning routine herself. With time she just spend more and more time at her mum's place and eventually moved there as a teen. It was a relief.

Been to the GP today and he think I have depression and OCD so have started me on a low dose of antidepressant.

He has also referred me to see a physiologist but the waiting time are long.

Good to hea you've been to speak to your doctor.

Any chance you could start private counselling if the wait will be long? It can be a bit annoying waiting after being brave enough to seek help!

Hope you're feeling ok today, it's a big step talking about things like this so give yourself a big pat on the back.

Can't afford private. I feel rather shit about myself when the doctor told me it was depression as I thought I had it under control.

But no point getting myself worked up over it just move the the future and hopefully less cleaning.

Do YOU think the housework is the main issue or is it DH or just that DH and you don't agree on how you are spending your time?

I Hoover/dust everyday, clean bathroom, kitchen etc top to bottom because I find it's easier to keep on top of it that way and then it doesn't take you two hours or so like it would if I only did it once/twice a week.

It doesn't mean I spend any less time with DS as its generally done while he is sleeping and also means I am comfortable that he is playing in a happy (I am happy as its clean ) and clean environment.

I am still happy for him to pull out his toys/ make mess with his food exploring but I do always make sure like you, that the house is clean before bed as I hate getting up to mess.

Your situation doesn't sound massively out of control to me, I would explain to your DC that toys are there to be played with and when finished they go back ready for the next time.

Does your DH help you around the house? My DH is a 'rinser' but it doesn't bother me really as I am happy to do it my way and happy for him to do it his (until I re-do it :) )

Sorry OP x post, I didn't see your feedback from the dr, just ignore my ramblings

McNew - I think you have got a problem about the level of housework you do but I also think you have been so bloody brave to post about it.

Realising you have a problem is 50% of the way to solving it.

- which will help you to relax!

I feel your pain. Before I had my girls and when they were babies, I wouldn't let off my husband until we'd propely spring cleaned the house every week. Between that , I'd vacuum and wash the floors and all the other usual sides every day. Looking back, I feel so sorry for my husband!
I'm still a bit of a clean/tidy freak but once the girls could walk (and make a significant amount of mess), I loosened up as I think I realised mess/a little bit of dust was not worth the stress compared to them having fun. I still have to catch myself sometimes when i start to get the Dettol wipes out too often!

I know it is easy for me to say, but try to be kind to yourself and not give yourself a hard time for possibly being depressed. Yes, a look the future and hopefully a calmer outlook x

My DH don't care if the house is clean or not, as he have said to me he want to feel relaxed in our home without me flying off the handle because something isn't put away straight away like the shampoo.

I really want to cook cake with the kids without the fear of mess. The kids have loads of play dough, paints and glue ect which isn't opened due to my fear of mess.

In that case seriously good on you for making the moves to get this changed OP

I genuinely hope you post back soon with 'Aibu to have play dough in mine and DC's hair at 11am and still be in pj's? '

Best of luck :)

You are really brave to talk about it. Could you keep a list of things you hope to do when you are better? Kids are very patient and they can wait for you to get better to do the play dough etc. so don't beat yourself up about it. Just do fun thngs that are not stressful for now, that is fine. And you could take them to art club or something so the mess is not at home until you feel stronger?

Art club sounds good.

My DC are 6 and 3 so I want them to have a childhood that filled with memories of fun and not me cleaning.

Going to set my self mini goals of what not to do

You're a great mum to try to change your behaviour to benefit them. Remember kids are very generous and forgiving so you don't need to change overnight. Mini goals sound excellent. Be nice to yourself.

I read a little about this once - apparenlty the DH should be saying things like - " I am gonna throw my dirty shirt on the floor - and I want it to be there still when I get home".

Can I say I really admire you for being brave enough to try and sort this out. Your children only have one childhood and they need to have space to breath in thier own home.

Can they do what they want in thier own rooms whilst you are sorting yourself out?

I have seen first hand what this kind of obsession can do, but you have made it so much easier by recognising it and taking action.

I know I sound patronising and I really don't mean too. I hope you get the help you need.

I'd pay you well to come to my house and let your inner cleaner loose. Seriously. It's a very big house, you will get sick of hoovering/polishing/etc/etc ad nauseam and voila, problems solved. Both yours and mine.
Whataboutdat?

Wrong time for a crap joke I think.

Brilliant, brilliant news about being brave and going to the doc.

You said you feel bad about being depressed because you thought you had it under control. One way to think of it is that it sounds a bit like cleaning is a way for you to cope with feelings of depression/worthlessness/lack of control/whatever. So in a sense, you did have it under control. But your coping mechanism was starting to cause problems of its own.

Other people in overeat (or worse things) to cope with those feelings...and then, eventually, their coping mechanism starts to cause problems.

It is a scary thing to confront this, but you are really being very, very brave to see that it is a problem you have that can be addressed. So, so many people don't see that.

Sorry if that was a bit heavy.

Crikey! I went through your list and felt exhausted at all the washing you're doing! When do you find time to mumsnet AND sleep? Apologies am being flippant. You are very brave to come on this board about this and see your doctor. Don't have anything particularly constructive to add. There was a line in a Bones episode about parenting once (and I paraphrase) - to worry that you're not being a good enough parent shows that you are being a good parent.