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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to kill oh

49 replies

ClaireandGeorge · 08/02/2013 15:48

OH keeps leaving George (a walking 1 year old)upstairs unattended. We have no stairgate at the top of our stiars as we can't fit one. He says he can see the stairs and can hear what he's doing and it's fine.

I just can't get him to see the danger. I am currently working full time at the moment covering maternity leave so he is having him 3 or 3 1/2 days a week. When I am back to part time hours childcare will then be covered by my Mum and childminder again. It's making me feel sick as I just can't trust him. We have had yet another arguement about it and he has hung up on me.

HELP!

OP posts:

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 08/02/2013 17:16

OK, OK, I've acknowledged it was a bit twisted and I got carried away. Stop now.

OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly · 08/02/2013 17:18

Dreaming as Whoknows says, he would then not be as likely to come running if there was a real accident. Also it would be another thing to row about - "remember when you tried to frighten the life out of me by faking the toddler falling down the stairs"

However, what I would be very tempted to do is drop something down the stairs that sounds like a child falling, let the DH come running, and say "Oh I just dropped the laundry basket - oh, did you think it was George? I never leave him where he could fall, look, I have put him in his cot"

OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly · 08/02/2013 17:18

(and then hope he realised off his own bat what a stupid thing he is doing)

amillionyears · 08/02/2013 17:21

What is your Dp like with other areas of health and safety?

Is he a natural risk taker?

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 08/02/2013 17:21

Yours sounds like the rather less extreme more sensible version OnTheBottom

quoteunquote · 08/02/2013 17:22

the Korowai people in Papua, New Guinea are very laid back about their children when at home, apparently they never lose any it shame we don't have more of a international MN going on, it would be interesting to hear completely different types of parenting.

purrpurr · 08/02/2013 17:23

If he refuses to acknowledge the risk, does he come up with any arguments as to why it's safe and not dangerous? Is he a good dad otherwise?

CredulousThicko · 08/02/2013 17:23

Is he happy about doing this share of the childcare? Could this be Passive Aggressive behaviour on his part? In an attempt to get you to say 'Oh, go back to work/go out with your mates, I will do 100% of the childcare' ? Just a thought.

strawberrypenguin · 08/02/2013 17:37

My DS fell down our stairs a couple of weeks ago rolling feet over head most of the way down. We have stair gates top and bottom and I was on the stairs with him (he likes going up and down himself ) on that particular occasion he slipped far to fast for me to grab him and only stopped falling once he'd run out of stairs. I had him straight to a&e and thankfully he was absolutely fine though I will never know how.
It was the single most terrifying experience of my life and i dont think i'll ever be able to forget it.
Your OH is an idiot, your DS should most definitely not be on his own upstairs especially with no stair gate in place.

lottiegarbanzo · 08/02/2013 18:09

YANBU at all (though don't). I cannot conceive of leaving dd (10mo, loves crawling up stairs, can't go down) upstairs on her own at all. I have a few 'safe spaces' I can put her in while I do something; her cot, highchair, bouncy chair and a play area fenced off with a playpen. Mostly, I follow her around, carry her, or shut the door of the room we're in.

A thought though, is that she will only tolerate so long in 'captivity' and it has to be on her terms. So she's usually fine with going in her bouncy chair while I shower, or cot for a minute while I go to the loo but she will not be plonked in her play area or high chair and screams if we try. She needs to be settled in, played with in the play area, know why she's in the bouncy chair or cot, or able to see I'm preparing food if in her high chair. After she's eaten, or once settled in - then I can do washing up, mop, take laundry out - anything largely in her sight, so long as I chat a bit and she has some toys, or remnants of food to amuse herself with.

I wonder whether your OH is getting frustrated because he's trying to do tasks on his terms and your son isn't co-operating, so he's resorting to stupid measures? In which case the answer is to think a bit about how to fit them in on your son's terms. It can be done.

Buzzardbird · 08/02/2013 18:31

The picture of the man smoking a doobee with his knads hanging out made me larf Quote

frustratedashell · 08/02/2013 19:32

Its hard to understand as hes a fireman! Thats all about prevention and safety isnt it?

ClippedPhoenix · 08/02/2013 19:44

He takes the child downstairs with him then whilst he does other jobs. If the child needs a nap get one of those meshed fold out away beds and place in another room. Tell him to keep the child on the same floor as him.

cakebar · 08/02/2013 19:51

You need to find a way to put a stairgate up. We have had 2 houses which would not fit normal stairgates, one we made a stairgate and the other we put stairgates across upstairs doorways instead and only left dd behind them.

Having said that we removed them whilst DC were very young as we spent a lot of time ensuring that they learnt how to down the stairs safely.

FeistyLass · 08/02/2013 19:58

It sounds as though your dh is being completely unreasonable. However, if you're not there, how do you know he is leaving your ds upstairs unattended? Is he maybe just saying it to annoy you because you're questioning his parenting? (obvs that is unacceptable too but it's a whole different issue from endangering your ds!).
As for a gate, we had a talk from a child safety team at one of our parent and toddler groups and they said door frames were actually the best place to fit gates. In their experience, some children try to climb gates and if they're at the top of stairs then that can result in a nasty accident. If they try to climb over a gate on a door frame and fall then they're only falling from the height of the gate.

Original poster

ClaireandGeorge · 08/02/2013 22:10

I have spoken briefly to him before he went to work tonight and he has agreed to do things 'my way'! I just fail to understand how he can't see the danger, his arguement is that it just won't happen!

He is a bit of a risk taker generally and very much has a it won't happen to me attitude.

I know he has done it at least twice but that's just what he told me and he may well think it's funny to wind me up.

He is a good Dad (come home tonight to find them reading upstairs, the other night have a dance to the radio) but I do think he's finding it hard doing a large share of the childcare. I think it's a bit of lack of practice as such. I did the lions share for at least the first 10 months with him only having to do an hour here or there. I can't say/advise anything without him thinking I'm questioning his parenting. Really feel sometimes like it's him and me rather than us as parents. He is not a bad person but does have some very difficult personality traits but then so do I.

OP posts:

amillionyears · 08/02/2013 23:19

That is the sort of thing I was thinking.
It does rather stand out that he is a fireman.
My guess is that he doesnt see much danger in what he does.

Normally I would say, go away for a couple of days and leave him to it. But can see your problem about leaving him to it.
It may still be the best way to go though. If he is forced to look after George 24/7, he may just start seeing things differently and hopefully better.

Had another thought.
Can he see the dangers, but dont think they will happen to himself or George?

Whoknowswhocares · 08/02/2013 23:25

Surely all those people he drags from fires, cuts out of crashed cars etc didn't think it would happen to them either? Hell even the cat stuck in the tree thinks he will be ok till he gets up there!!!!

Has his job taught him nothing? Accidents happen, especially to people who take risks!

ClippedPhoenix · 08/02/2013 23:31

My other half is a fire fighter and wouldn't do this.

Tell him to get a bit more baby aware.

beingginger · 08/02/2013 23:35

Killing your dh is a bit extreme.
I too can't fit stair gates because of an odd shaped staircase, I have 3 kids and none of them have fallen down the stairs. You can teach a 1 year old to safely come down the stairs on their own by sliding down on their tummy.
Ds2 was always up the stairs at that age and he soon learnt to get down on his own

ClippedPhoenix · 08/02/2013 23:42

Actually beingginger I'm swayed here with what you are saying. They can come down on their bottoms or tummys. Kids do have an inbuilt safety mechanism that now a days has been dumned down.

beingginger · 08/02/2013 23:55

I tell a lie my ds1 fell down the stairs at my mil house climbing over the top of her stair gate that she has for her dogs. He'd gone for a wee and closed it behind him.
He chipped his front tooth and had a black eye.

zippey · 09/02/2013 00:02

Coming from a slightly different angle, I think your DH is just emmiting a bit of bravado and trying to wind you up. Its working! He may leave baby alone but unless he has a screw loose, he wil be keeping a watchful ear or eye on baby.

I think in your heart of hearts you trust him as well, otherwise you wouldnt be leaving baby when theres a danger of serious injury or death.

BTW our DD is 18 months and have never had stair gates, and no accidents, so dont worry too much.

maddening · 09/02/2013 00:10

Could you put a stairgate on each door upstairs so dh can lock him in whichever room he is in?

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