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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I think I've been unreasonable to DH re working late....

20 replies

CinnabarRed · 08/02/2013 15:48

DH works a 1.5 hour commute away from home, but always tries his best to be home in time to say goodnight to DS1 (5 years old). It doesn't always happen because things come up at work or the trains are delayed, but when that happens he always texts to let me know. He's generally home between 7:30 and 8pm.

The reason for the texts are three-fold. First, because if DH isn't home then I need to let DS1 know, or he sits up in bed and waits for DH. Secondly, because I know when to get dinner ready for. And thirdly because I worry if he's late and I haven't heard from him. I should make it clear that I never give him a hard time when he is late, because I know it's beyond his control and he would much rather be at home with us.

So, yesterday, I didn't hear anything from DH. DS1 was asking for him, so I sent him a text at quarter to 8 asking how he was getting on. No reply. I text again at 8:30 asking him to drop me a line so I could relax knowing he was alright. And I texted again at 9:15 asking where the hell he was, why he couldn't find 30 seconds to send a text, and that I love him very much and was worried (I'd also been to a funeral yesterday, and so accidents were playing on my mind).

It turns out that he was late because his boss told him earlier in the day that he needed a word, then left DH waiting until almost 7 before finding time to talk to him, and then the discussion went on until 9:30. The discussion was around why DH isn't being put foward for promotion this year after all.

DH texted back really upset with me for having a go at him when he was already feeling low. (He read the text after the meeting ended.)

I was unreasonable, wasn't I?

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 08/02/2013 15:50

You were not being unreasonable to be cross but you would be now you know the circumstances. You did not know before you sent those texts and couldn't possibly.

You do know though that your DH is normally reliable, so should have realised there were special circumstances.

tomverlaine · 08/02/2013 15:53

Sort of - i can see why you did it though and by the sound of it you were fine with him when he got home/ he knew the reason and it wouldn't have bothered him as much but it just added to a bad day
I am surprised it hasn't happened before though as presumably a hold up which prevented him leaving on time might also prevent him texting-can't he text when he leaves?

Sheila · 08/02/2013 15:56

No of course you weren't. Why didn't he text you before 7 to let you know what was going on?

Original poster

CinnabarRed · 08/02/2013 15:58

He didn't get home until after I'd gone to bed.

I think part of the issue is that it has happened before, but not for a while. He used to not text at all, and then only text when he was 10 mins away from home (which was pretty pointless). I had to explain again and again that I had sensible reasons to ask him to text when he was leaving work.

I think he should have sent a text or email at 6:30, when he would normally leave the office, to say that he still had to talk to his boss. Then I could have managed DS1's bedtime and wouldn't have worried. And would have eaten my dinner!

OP posts:

TheInnerSea · 08/02/2013 16:04

So, DH needed to leave at 6.30 to be home for bed time, so he knew he was going to be late (but not how late) before he went into the meeting?
IMO he should have text then for DS.

YWNBU to be a bit annoyed and worried. YABU if you're still giving him a hard time now. He WNBU either, as he probably felt he'd had enough kicking for one day. Sounds like you both need to say sorry and agree to be more considerate in future.

CailinDana · 08/02/2013 16:05

You weren't unreasonable. He knows you have good reasons to want him to text, and texting takes 2 seconds. He left you waiting and wondering, which isn't fair. It was childish of him to say he was upset because he was already low - how were you to know what was going on? He said that purely to make you feel bad, which is behaviour I just can't stand in a person - it's petty and childish. Your text weren't nasty, they were pretty reasonable all round. His only response should have been "really sorry I forgot, won't happen again." By responding with upset what he's telling you is that in future when he leaves you hanging around you just have to suck it up and take it for fear you hurt the poor lamb's feelings. So it's fine for you to be worked up and worried all night with a small child to console but it's not fine for him to get a mild telling off for forgetting to do something he promised to do. Bollocks. Tell him stop being such a baby and just do as you ask in future.

JackieTheFart · 08/02/2013 16:05

YANBU. He isn't either.

MammTJ said 'You do know though that your DH is normally reliable, so should have realised there were special circumstances.'

Well, maybe, but shouldn't her DH have also realised that his DW expects a text to let her know where he is so she doesn't worry? Special circs might after all mean an accident.

KatherineKrupnik · 08/02/2013 16:07

You weren't unreasonable. It was unfortunate, that's all.

SPBInDisguise · 08/02/2013 16:11

No ywnbu but neither was he to feel "got at" when he was already low. As others have said, just unfortunate all round. Hope he is ok.
Though I am at his boss keeping him hanging on that late to deliver bad news, seems unnecessarily mean

Bejeena · 08/02/2013 16:15

Well I think it is totally unreasonable that his boss kept him in work until 9:30 in the first place. Assuming he works normal office hours then that would have been a 12-13 hour day for him. I am pretty sure that is actually illegal and besides nobody, neither your DH or his boss can be that important to have to stay in the office that long. That is what I find unreasonable, no matter how well into the 3 figures their salaries might be (and I am guessing they probably aren't)

He has reacted totally childishly. Sounds like the situation couldn't have been helped and once your DHs boss told him he has ready (after keeping him waiting for hours) then your DH should have said 'Just a second I need to let my wife know I'll be late hime', sent the text, gone into meeting, end of story.

McKayz · 08/02/2013 16:16

I don't think YWBU at all. You were worried.

IslaValargeone · 08/02/2013 16:18

I'm with MammTJ on this one given his usual reliability.
I think one is asking for trouble if you assume 'accident' every time you don't hear from someone.
That being said, you had been to a funeral, so were obviously feeling more sensitive than usual. That coupled with his bad news meant a shitty time for all concerned.

SPBInDisguise · 08/02/2013 16:19

Oh yes you'd been to a funeral. Sorry :( no doubt you were also feeling low and sensitive.

Inertia · 08/02/2013 16:50

Sounds as though you were both feeling low.

Knowing that he had to stay to talk to his boss, DH should really have sent a text at 6.30 saying that he'd be late due to meeting his boss.

Original poster

CinnabarRed · 08/02/2013 17:52

He texted at 5:36 to say he's on his way. And I texted back to say that was fantastic and I was really looking forward to spending this evening with him

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/02/2013 17:57

Unless you are a mindreader, YWNBU

Original poster

CinnabarRed · 08/02/2013 18:20

AF, I knew you were going to say that...

OP posts:

Original poster

CinnabarRed · 08/02/2013 18:26

AF, I knew you were going to say that...

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/02/2013 18:26

hehe

SPBInDisguise · 08/02/2013 18:53

Have a nice evening :)

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