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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

come flame my judgey pants

20 replies

ruledbyheart · 08/02/2013 14:02

I know it isn't any of my business and I know people will flame me but why do people have children of they can't look after.

An ex friend of mine is pregnant with her DC2 andhas since been gloating to everyone about it, she came up to me recently telling me her good news and I just cannot understand why she expects people to be happy for her.

She is a recovering drug addict and the dad is a using heroin addict, they are always splitting up and she has some serious mental health issues.

She has tried to get help for her mental health issues but knew she couldn't cope with her DC1 and sent her to live with her dad and now only has contact for half hour a week.

She is being made homeless and possibly only pregnant so she can keep her house (too many bedrooms since DC1 has gone).

I'm just so annoyed she admits she cannot cope as a parent and faces this problem so bravely asking for help but in the next sentence she is pregnant again AIBU to think if you can't cope with having a child then you should nt be having another one?

Please come flame me I know its none of my business but it really upsets me that she is doing it.
Excuse my awful typing Im on my mobile.

OP posts:

VitoCorleone · 08/02/2013 14:05

YANBU.

SaraConnor · 08/02/2013 14:05

It probably gives her a sense of self-worth, she may not be thinking about the practicalities just yet.

Poor kids :(

Hegsy · 08/02/2013 14:06

YANBU - people can flame me too. This makes me sick. My DH and I have been trying for a child for 3 years and it totally disgusts me that people like this get pregnant at the drop of a hat! We did everything the 'right' way but still have no child. I could cry for these children :(

poodletip · 08/02/2013 14:06

YANBU must be horrible to watch knowing what's coming for the poor child :(

JaneLane · 08/02/2013 14:08

Hey if your judgey pants are out in all force then so are mine.

a) the last thing the situation needs is another innocent child being brought in to it
b) it is not fair for a baby to enter in to the world and straight in to that family situation

If Dad is a using heroin addict he is not in a position to be a caregiver to a newborn baby.

It sounds like Mum knows she is not able to look after the first DC - what will be different about this baby?

FlorriesDragons · 08/02/2013 14:11

I know someone through work who has had five children removed, one after the other.

She is a very gentle woman who has mild learning difficulties and her partner has something in his past which means he will never be allowed to keep custody of his children. The first child was removed years ago and she keeps getting pregnant in the hope that things will be different next time. It's heartbreaking to watch.

Original poster

ruledbyheart · 08/02/2013 14:12

Exactly she knows she can't cope but I think she sees this baby as a fresh start, her other dc is still only very young and only went recently to her dads it isn't exactly a fresh clean start only a couple of months later, it feels like to me a replacement.

She isn't with dad at the moment but theyon and off every other week.

OP posts:

VitoCorleone · 08/02/2013 14:12

Somebody i know actually gave her baby to one of her neighbours, im not kidding. The neighbour had the kid constantly and the mother couldnt look after her, social servives got involved and it was decided that the child would live with the neighbour permenantly, i think the mother see's her once a week.

Then this girl got pregnant again - her second baby is now in care.

Why on earth she got pregnant a second time is beyond me.

Skyebluesapphire · 08/02/2013 14:15

YANBU. If she couldn't cope with the first, she can't cope with the second and shouldnt be allowed to have any more kids!

fuckingpamela · 08/02/2013 14:15

Florries - I knew someone like this. I worked in a shop ears ago and it was a young woman with learning difficulties and a much much older husband. She was pregnant again and saying she hoped she would be allowed to keep the next one.

She seemed like such a sweetheart but who knows what the reasons behind it were.

DeepRedBetty · 08/02/2013 14:16

yanbu. I don't think anyone on here wouldn't feel desperately sad at the whole sorry mess of a situation.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/02/2013 14:20

I also know someone who had 5 children and lost one after another to SS. She is a drug addict and lives in shelters/on the street. It is very sad. I assume the children were adopted so they may have gone on to be happy and make others happy. It didn't help my judgy pants that she was rude, entitled, swore at and bullied more vulnerable clients.

CloudsAndTrees · 08/02/2013 14:21

YANBU. There are some people that's housing be allowed to have children because they are not even fit to incubate them, let alone look after them once they're born.

FlorriesDragons · 08/02/2013 14:26

[Sad] Pamela. The thing is, although you can help people understand their situation on some level, you can't stop them acting against advice.

Having a child removed must be like having your entire world crushed in front of you, even if you know deep down you aren't the best parent. I would certainly be in no hurry to repeat that experience if it happened once. These women must either have limited understanding or convince themselves entirely that it won't be the case the next time - they couldn't put themselves through it otherwise.

quoteunquote · 08/02/2013 15:01

I have seen success stories in similar situations, when the right type of support has been put in place,

She probably is just convincing herself through being optimistic about things being different.

One of my friend has mothers like your friend living with her, and helps them turn their lives around, some amazing achievements, some very sad stories, they know that if they don't make it work then they will lose their children, it all about changing behaviour and lifestyle, they do lots of counselling, therapy and have constant support

I wish there was more support available, because most people do want to change.

Paiviaso · 08/02/2013 15:41

YANBU. How incredibly sad.

PeggyCarter · 08/02/2013 15:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NopeStillNothing · 08/02/2013 15:54

Wtf can't some people put all their effort into improving their lives to enable them to have a relationship with their current children rather than developing a " fuck it! This one's been a right off let's just start again" attitude?!
Yadnbu OP. It is a very sad and unfortunate situation which tragically comes down to irresponsibility time and time again.

Original poster

ruledbyheart · 08/02/2013 15:57

I know for a fact she doesn't use condoms as she is allergic to the spermicide so doesn't bother, we were very close friends once upon a time so information like this comes about in wine fuelled evenings and she cannot take hormonal contraception due to her hormone levels so no maybe not intentional but certainly not prevented.

I fully expected to get flamed for this thread, I know her daughter quite well as she attends the same preschool as my dc and she is such a lovely little girl, I dont understand why someone could willing give her up not bother about her then be all happy over a replacement baby yet not even try and get her daughter back

Surely if the woman had changed and wanted a second chance she would fight for her daughter instead of replacing her.

OP posts:

pepperrabbit · 08/02/2013 16:08

I have an older friend who fosters babies and their mums. Often for a full year or so at a time to get their lives back on track.
Recently she had a 34 yr old with her, hoping to be allowed to keep her 4th child. The oldest 2 had been adopted but she stood a chance of getting No3 back. She was allowed to keep No4 in the end, but the child does go back to my friend for respite care, so obviously not fully coping even with all the help.
They literally arrive from the maternity ward, perhaps your friend could access this kind of support - if she acknowledges that might be what she needs.

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