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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be angry with my DH?

43 replies

Autumn12 · 08/02/2013 10:55

I am currently 14 weeks pregnant and after a large unexpected expense money is quite tight this month for me and DH. We had a chat about it the other night as we have quite a lot of decorating to do and furniture to buy before our baby arrives and I'm panicking a bit.

We agreed that we would have to tighten our belts. Last night I was at the theatre with a friend. We had very cheap seats and it had been booked for ages so i couldn't back out. DH was meeting an ex colleague for a quick drink but said colleague had to catch a 7pm train. DH therefore said that as he would be home early he would buy catfood and feed our two cats for me.

I called him at 9.30 and he was out in the pub drunk. I ended up going home and feeding the Cats myself. DH rolled in at 10.30pm. I am fucking furious with him. 1) For staying out drinking when money is tight and 2) that he didn't go and feed the Cats as promised, and didn't even bother to let me know. If I hadn't called him he wouldn't have contacted me.

He avoided me totally before he left the house this morning. Now he is emailing me saying we shouldn't argue as it's "pointless". No apology and he was just "letting off steam", which is apparently "good for him". Am I unreasonable to be angry or is he the dick that I think he is?

OP posts:

dreamingbohemian · 08/02/2013 12:19

x-post again (sorry!)

Have you ever considered leaving him? Not advising that you do so, just wondering if it really is that bad for you right now.

Dannilion · 08/02/2013 12:20

Well if that's the case it would seem the finances aren't the real issue here then either.

You weren't happy with him before you got married, you hoped getting married would change him. You weren't happy when that didn't work and now you think having a baby will change him?

I don't mean to sound so harsh and I couldn't think of a nicer way to put it. Sorry

Original poster

Autumn12 · 08/02/2013 12:20

He would never consider counselling. He doesn't like anybody else knowing his business.

Maybe I need to get out now.

OP posts:

CartedOff · 08/02/2013 12:21

If he didn't change when you got married (despite his promises) then he probably won't change when you've had a baby either. I'm just saying this because it will be hell on earth trying to deal with a newborn and someone who decides to get pissed out of their skull whenever he feels like it. It will drive you to despair when you have a baby crying for half the night or more and he feels entitled to let off steam and get wasted, leaving you to cope alone. I've been there and it is approximately 100 x more stressful when they fuck off to go to the pub and have their phones off willy nilly, thinking it's their "right".

You're not trapped. But you do need to go into this with your eyes open and not just wait around and hope that he's going to behave differently in six months time. Believe me, this sense of entitlement won't fade.

Dannilion · 08/02/2013 12:22

ooops x-post.

CailinDana · 08/02/2013 12:26

He's an alcoholic who can't manage money. He doesn't seem to think there's a problem so it's not going to change any time soon. You have to assume that that's how it's going to be from here on in. Are you ok with that? Or would you rather be on your own?

frustratedashell · 08/02/2013 12:27

oh dear. well at least you can see him for what he is. Do you think an ultimatum would work? Go to AA and sort yourself out or its over?

dreamingbohemian · 08/02/2013 12:30

I think you have to be realistic.

If so far he has shown that he is not capable of really changing, and if he is not willing to get the kind of help he needs to actually change, then how likely is it that he will magically change? Only you can judge.

What other kind of support do you have, family, friends?

I think I would rather have a baby on my own than with someone who can't be trusted around alcohol or money. At least on your own, you can set up lots of support and have some control over the situation. But obviously this is a huge step and would need a lot of thinking over.

How do you think he would react if you told him that if he didn't properly shape up, you would leave? Would that finally kick him into gear?

amazingmumof6 · 08/02/2013 12:31

I agree with bohemian you need outside help.

no that you revealed more details, I realize this is way more serious than when the cats are fed!

there's no point asking why you got married/had a baby together as you knew what he was like beforehand - the important things is that you move forward together and sort things out before baby arrives!

people who have addictive tendencies are not likely to give up the addiction by themselves if they feel more stressed /pressurized, so I'm sorry, but I don't see how he will suddenly stop after the baby's born?!

In fact I worry that he'll see that as a new source of stress and will justify even more nights out to blow off steam.

you need to go to your GP/midwife, explain the situation and that you need counselling asap.
I would worry that with his temper this could turn nasty, you do not want to get to the point where you have to deal with a domestic abuse situation.

DuchessFanny · 08/02/2013 12:41

You are furious because you panicked didn't you ?
He said he would change, didn't but has been better since you got pregnant, you've been hoping the baby would change things ....

Has it been like waiting for the other shoe to fall ?
In other words, were you waiting for him to let you down and hoping he wouldn't and now he has you are soooo angry about being in this situation ?

Been there, but not as bad as your situation and all i can say is you can't force someone to change, they have to want it .

If you say how serious this is for you he may want to change this behaviour, at the moment he is pretending it hasn't happened and hoping you'll forget about it - you won't !
Believe me, it will come up again and again and you'll resent him every time he pops out for 'a pint' ...

Original poster

Autumn12 · 08/02/2013 12:41

His temper? It's more likely to be exploding with rage I'm afraid.

OP posts:

ohfunnyhoneyface · 08/02/2013 12:41

I think you need to reply to his email and say you want to discuss this properly later.

Then sit with bank statements and explain to him what money needs to be spent on, what you can afford, and how his spending at the moment is not allowing your saving/baby prep to happen.

Then explain that this is a 'deal breaker' situation. That you do not want to continue with the relationship whilst things are like this, you aren't giving him an ultimatum, there is no 'choice' here, he is either on board, or he isn't.

If he isn't on board, explain that you will have to look at child support, custody and access.

Give him a chance to step up given your expectations, put a time frame on it, explain that you are willing to walk away.

Original poster

Autumn12 · 08/02/2013 12:49

I've already threatened to leave and he just told me to grow up.

I've bought some new (necessary maternity) clothes and a few bits for the flat so according to him I have double standards and therefore, no right to be annoyed at him spending money on beer.

OP posts:

manicbmc · 08/02/2013 12:50

Autumn, that all sounds way too familiar to me. When I got pregnant, my ex promised the drinking would only be a few at the weekend once the babies (twins) arrived. This never happened. He continued and his argument was always that this is what all his friends did.

There are many reasons why he is my ex but his drinking and throwing away money (that we could not afford, leaving the children short of things sometimes) was the main reason.

Sit him down. Tell him he is being a totally selfish arse and this is his one chance to change his attitude. If he doesn't you are going to resent him completely. And it will be a whole lot trickier to leave when you have had your baby.

manicbmc · 08/02/2013 12:52

Oh bloody hell - the 'grow up' has just sparked off memories. I was constantly told I was unreasonable and should grow up (by him and his mother).

There is only one person needs to grow up and it is him.

dreamingbohemian · 08/02/2013 13:17

Can you list the reasons why you are staying with him?

It's a good way to focus the mind.

babiesinslingsgetcoveredinfood · 08/02/2013 14:17

He has a drink problem.

Once the baby comes feeding the cats will seem optional, temporarily at least, I promise you.

I'd suggest you go to mediation very soon or you'll be a single mum in no time.

ohfunnyhoneyface · 08/02/2013 16:26

If you told him before you're not happy and that you want to leave, and you're serious, then you have to leave- this is a massive sign to you that he isn't going to change.

You stay, you'll be unhappy.

Leave, temporary unhappiness, but your best shot at long term happiness.

Have you got somewhere you can go? Or can you ask him to leave?

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