Am I being a twat???

[Wereonourway]

Huge back story but will try to summarise.

• ex was ea, still is. Pisses about with his contact( swapping/changing.
• obviously all of above is my fault: ex takes responsibility for absolutely nothing in his life whatsoever.
• ex has asked to change contact 3 times in past fortnight, gone in huge huff when I've refused.
• he missed both overnights last week, once as ill and another as he had things to do( he went to pub)
• ex's mother- always very supportive of me, she alerted me to the gravity of ex's nastiness. Now it seems blood is thicker than water. She didn't like me "having control" and wrote a fairly nasty letter to my solicitor claiming ex had written it(he hasn't even read it).
• having said that I love her, she has done so much for ds.

Ex just rang to say mil is visiting for three days, thurs to Sunday. Ex's planned contact is thurs overnight til 9am Friday and then Sunday 10am til 4pm.
He asked ne to be flexible cos his mum is visiting.
I said they could have ds from Friday lunchtime til 6pm as an extra to what's already agreed.
Apparently this isn't enough and if I haven't got plans for say mil should have him as she never sees him.

What do you think?

I hate feeling mean but I never know where I am, should I also send ds to then on sat and forfeit a weekend day with ds?

It's petty isn't it, I know it's all about ds and she does deserve to see him but I feel pressured into just giving in. Like I always used to.

But please give advice, i don't care how blunt or honest

How old is your ds? Would it make ds happy?

You need to do whatever is best for ds.

Ds is 2, with mil living abroad he doesn't see her much.
I have always involved her by sending pics and videos and things from ds.
I would quite happily spend time with her and ds, she is welcome to my home or out with us if we go to soft play etc but I know this probably wouldn't be welcome after reading the letter she wrote.
It's the thought that I have to hand him over and miss out. Again at ex's demand. I spent 6 months following split doing that and it was shit.
I know if I try to negotiate it will be his way or no way iykwim?
Having said that I'm too kind and know she misses her gc

I would let my DS stay the whole weekend.

What i think is you should put your son first and stop this. Be the bigger person and let her see her grandchild.

MIL might have done a lot for DS but that letter to your solicitor was an underhand piece of work, the apple doesn't fall from the tree does it.

However, if it will give DS as much pleasure as it undoubtedly will your MIL, please look at it from his point of view. If MIL is living a considerable distance away, her visits may be very infrequent. You will look like the bigger person in this.

I might be tempted to say, before okaying the Saturday, an apology for that letter would be very welcome.

I think given his age, your existing compromise sounds grand. He doesn't really know MIL, and from the sound of it isn't too used to spending much time with his dad, so an afternoon and a day sound enough at this stage.

In this case it wouldn't be so much for ex's benefit, it's for MIL. So if you were to give in on this occasion it's different to giving in because your ex is pissing you about and changing things for no good reason.

Try to forget about the letter. Family splits are traumatic for all concerned including your MIL. You seem to like her and certainly it seems your DS is very important to her, so try to focus on that.

I know it would mean you missing out on a day with your DS but I think I would let him go for the long weekend.

ClippedPhoenix believe me I do put my son first, his needs are absolutely paramount. As I said above I would not exclude ex mil at all. She is more than welcome at my home and I'm happy for her to join us swimming or at soft play.
Ds is fairly indifferent to her due to the amount of time spent with her, this is entirely natural due to the distance between them.
I worry that if I "budge" on this ex will assume its back to how it used to be and ill meet his every whim.
Ex is not someone you can negotiate with at all, he is not reasonable and does not put ds or his needs first.
I'm very conscious of coming across as mean or as hogging ds, that's not the case. But I would like "my time" with ds to be just that. Out time to do whatever we wish without digs or abuse or verbals.
It's a shit situation to be in and week in week out I'm anxious about it.
This is just another example in the long list of trying to co parent with someone who is barely a parent and yet is entitled to whatever he wishes.

Well in that case stick with the compromise you already offered and you don't have to offer any reasons or excuses. If you think your ex will read this as a green light to go and trample on more of your life you don't need the strain. Of course if he's that much of a charmer he may react unpleasantly at you not letting his mother see DS.

Have you tried suggesting that she visit DS at your house, on Saturday, unaccompanied by your ex? If seeing DS is the purpose she'll achieve that with you?

I have just sent text to ex reiterating mil is welcome at my home any time on sat for as long as she likes. That way she will see him thurs night, fri all afternoon, Sunday before she leaves and anytime she likes on sat.
We go swimming on a Friday morning and have invited her swimming with us too.
I don't want to be seen as being a bitch, I really don't. I work and cherish my weekends with ds. I know that's selfish so have tried to compromise.
Ex said she shouldn't have to be with me to see ds

Don't engage with ex. Whatever you say or do will be wrong, in his eyes.

It sounds as if he wants to play Daddy in front of MIL and pretend he's superdad.

MIL must have had her flights/arrival organised for a while.

If your ex cannot be bothered to get his thumb out of his arse earlier than 2 days before she arrives I think you are being more than generous to say she can see your child with you.

Especially given her behavior with the letter!

Do you have any direct contact with MIL? I would invite her directly just in case your ex doesn't pass on the message. Also she might feel more welcomed if she has had the invitation from you rather than via him.

Ex said she shouldn't have to be with me to see ds

No she shouldn't, if he hadn't been an abusive nasty twat you'd still be together and not living apart, so all this would be absolutely unnecessary, but them's the breaks.

Fwiw think you've been very reasonable.

Mil booked flights today. Apparently. Although we have spoken since the letter it's been all polite/about ds etc but letter was pretty clear how she feels tbh.
Mil knows ex takes no responsibility in life, knows he is abusive, in fact she has taken it off him many times.
To give you some context mil, when ds was 3 days out of hospital, had to come to our home and remove ex as he arrived home at 6am and covered himself and the entire house in vomit. She saw him call me a cunt, she has seen it numerous times.
Ex did this most weekends, drink, not come home and when he did he would go to bed. Did very very little for ds and spent so much money on football and drink. Leaving ne to pay te bills as best I could on smp and then my part time wage.
Mil "bailed us out" with bills on numerous occasions. We wouldn't have had a roof over our heads if it weren't for her and for that(and many more reasons) ill be eternally grateful to her.
Having said that, had ex not drank all of his money we would have managed, only just but we would hav managed.
I don't drink much, I have always been a good mother, ds comes first and I'd do without anything for him. Ex jut isn't like that, but obviously insists ds is his priority etc.
I've learned to ignore ex, I know he is fucked up in the head, I know he is narcissistic. I've long since accepted I can't change that.
We split in August, after I called the police to stop ex breaking into our home using a drain pipe to try and smash the window. Whilst ds was asleep.
Ex mil knows this. Since August up until October I met his very whim. Would swap nights if they clashed with football, collected ds at 7am week after week to allow ex to go to away games. I'd wait like an arse on a Sunday for ex to get out of bed with a hangover and dutifully take ds to see him whilst he lay on couch dog rough.
I got a little tougher and went to a solicitor to set nights and times on Sunday. Got awful awful verbal abuse for this. How dare I etc.
It still wasnt enough and ex's demands came thick and fast.
At Xmas(coinciding with mil visit) I'd had enough. He cancelled Sunday access numerous times, turned up drunk once and refused to have ds ready for me etc etc etc.
So I put strictly ones in place. Mil wAsnt happy, said he was as much a parent as me, how dare I put times in place, I was too controlling etc.
I went back to my solicitor on 4th jan to be shown the letter.
In it she said I was too protective of ds when he was born, wouldn't let him go with anyone, didn't trust anyone etc and that this had continued.
Ds was my first child. He was born at 34 weeks with immature lungs requiring cpap and the most horrific bruising you can imagine. I couldn't hold him for five days. Yes I was over protective. It was touch and go for 48 hours as to whether he would survive and whether he would have suffers significant brain injury.
I'm sorry I'm rambling.
I know mil wants to see her gs, I know she will stick up for ex. That's natural and I imagine she is scared ex will fuck up and she will feel pushed out etc.
I have honestly tried everything to remain calm and firm without being a bitch. It's fruitless.
My poor ds is in the middle of this and I so wish it was different.

you've had a tough time no wonder you aren't keen on DS staying any length of time. First thought, what a shit your ex is. Second thought, is he likely to get drunk while MIL is visiting?

I know this sounds nuts there's no way ex has a passport for DS?

I didn't mean to ramble. It's quite therapeutic to get it all out!
No, def no passport. We've not applied yet and I have birth certificate.
Ex won't drink when mil is here, think he likes to put on a show for mil.
I find myself questioning everything I do, justifying my every move and accounting for my time with ds. It's shit and the reason I stayed so long tbh. I knew he would be like this.
I'm disappointed in mil and can't hide it. Letter was very hurtful and obviously didn't state any reasoning for my "controlling and vindictive behaviour"
Having said that I wouldn't ever stop her seeing ds. In happy to have her at my home, and in happy to let ds go to see her for a few hrs on Friday pm.
In worried that if I drop him off they will try to persuade me to leave him overnight. And I just do not want that.

Just say no, it doesn't work for me, (that old MN classic retort). If there's any aggression or viciousness or you think DS is getting distressed, call the police.

Lately I've put my hand up occasionally and said, I'm still posting but I'm out of my depth, I think this is one of those moments. I hope you can sort something out to your satisfaction, I know he's still in your life because of DS but thank God you got away and he's not there 24/7. Do keep posting, here or on relationships.

Thank you donkeys, tbh it's such an ongoing saga I probable shouldn't post about it as there's so much history and so much been said and done.
I appreciate your replies and thoughts.
It seems like being strong and firm and setting boundaries was perceived so badly at Xmas I'm almost scared to do it again.
We will get through this drama and there'll be another one around the corner in sure. Thank you again.
I'm off to bed to listen to my beautiful son snore like a pig!

best sound in the world, night night.

That and 'Mummy I've put the hoover round and baked you a cake, stay on the sofa and watch more Desperate Housewives whilst I get some shopping in'.