to expect to be told important pieces of information.

[bugdem]

I am a long time lurker but have never quite worked up the courage to post anything before now. I'm choosing my first time for AIBU, I must be mad!

Basically the problem is this: My great grandmother died in September last year. She was the relative I was closest to due to spending pretty much every weekend with her from when I was born til I was a teenager due to my parents shifts. We were very, very close.

She developed dementia and was in a care home for the best part of the last year of her life. I found this very difficult to cope with and struggled to cope with visiting her so I rarely seen her in the last year of her life. I'm so ashamed of myself for this. I feel disgusted at myself that I couldn't grow a pair and support her the way I should have. My mum visited frequently and I would ask every day "how is she?" and would always be told "fine".

The night before she died I was told that she was struggling to eat and drink. She died overnight. I was incredibly upset that I hadn't got to say goodbye and was/am really upset at my mother for not telling me that she had deteriorated to the point she was dying.

After the funeral, she was cremated. Nothing was spoken about the collection of her ashes and I assumed that they were being kept until we figured out where to put them as a family. I asked my mother a week or so ago when we were planning on scattering the ashes and if she had had any ideas about where they should go. She responded that she and my grandfather (my great grandmothers son) had already scattered them in October. When I tried to speak further and ask why I wasn't involved she said she didnt wan't to talk about it and left the room.

My question is this - AIBU to be absolutely devastated that I was not involved in the scattering of the ashes, that I didn't get to say a final goodbye to my closest relative. Also secondly, AIBU to be so angry at my mother for keeping this from me that I am finding it so difficult to be civil never mind polite to her. I just want to scream at her for being so fucking selfish.

Sorry this was so long, I didn't want to drip feed and this is the first time I've written it down!

Yanbu to be upset that you weren't involved, I am sorry about your loss. If you found it difficult to deal with your great grandmother's illness and death, is it possible that they were trying to protect you from any further distress? Just a thought.

Maybe your family is upset with you for barely seeing her for a year. Sorry if that's below the belt but... You take the rough with the smooth.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Is it possible your family thought they were trying to protect you? If you find the tough side of things distressing they may have thought it was for the best?

Jinsei, I had thought about it. My parents both have a long history of hiding things from myself and my siblings in an attempt to protect us. Any sort of communication from them, especially my mum, is difficult at the best of times. Even ridiculously minor things. I do see your point though. I should have said in the OP I don't believe it was done maliciously but it still hurts.

Blackholes, that might be the case. I don't think I would do the same thing in my mums shoes but I can see what you mean!

blackholes, I'm afraid the same thing crossed my mind but I didn't want to say it. I totally get why you might have struggled to see your great grandmother like that, OP, and I'm certainly not judging, but I think you have to consider the possibility that your mum or your grandfather were upset by the fact that you didn't visit.

Could you find another way of remembering your great grandmother and saying your goodbyes?

That would explain the one word answers when you asked how she was, maybe? On the other hand I think it's cruel not to involve you in the ashes scattering. I am sorry for your loss

And excluding you might be their way of coping with their grief, or something... People respond in all kinds of ways to losing someone.

Perhaps you could visit the place where they scattered her ashes & have some quiet time thinking about her or lay some flowers? X

I wonder if there is some other way for you to say a personal goodbye to her, or some other act of remembrance?

For instance, making a donation to the care home, writing your great grandmother a letter, buying flowers every year on her birthday, donating money in her name to a charity she might have liked. I'm sure there are lots of things you could think of.

Could it have been your great grandmothers wishes that only your mum and grandad was to scatter the ashes.

Could you do something else to say goodbye, even if its go to church and light a candle, Plant a tree in her memory or name a star after her.

So sorry for your loss. I'm sure the rest of your family struggled seeing your great grandma's health deteriorate too. Having worked with elderly dementia sufferers, some of whom get NO visitors whatsoever, i would encourage you to be more grateful to the family members who overcame their own upset to visit your great grandma.

OP, I'm sorry for your loss as well but I do think that you are being unreasonable - it stands to reason the people who were there for her in her hour of need so to speak were the ones who made the arrangements. A relative with dementia or any sort of progressive disease is not easy at all. My mum died from cancer when I was in my teens and I have to admit that my dad and I felt very frustrated with various relatives who did not visit or support but then on the day of the funeral quite literally chased us from our own kitchen to make cakes Looking back, they probably meant well too but it really made us both pretty annoyed.

All you can do is move on - but please, should something similar happen again, then shoulder the visiting, it is distressing but then it is for everybody.

Very brave to post in AIBU! Yanbu to feel awful about the whole thing. Yabu to blame your mum or any other relatives though. They will have been acting, in the middle of their own grief, in what they thought was everyone's best interests.

Please remember your great granny with all the love she deserves, and try not to get tied up in petty 'he said, she said, I thought...' stuff.

I'm sorry for your loss but I'm afraid that my first thought is that they might be upset with you too. Do you know where the ashes are scattered? I'd go and visit the place where she is now and lay some flowers, talk to her, or do whatever you would have done if you'd have been there when they were scattered.

Can i ask a slightly od question? Did your family know how close you felt to her? When i think about how i felt about my grandmother, who died at 97, i'm not absolutely sure that anyone apart from my DH knows how much I loved and miss her.

Thanks everyone for all your comments so far. It's given me much needed perspective and a swift kick up the bum to grow up a wee bit and stop being so self centred.

I'll have a think about what I can do to say my own goodbyes. I've already got a tattoo but I like the idea of planting a tree somewhere for her.

Something else i remembered. When my Nan died, I would have loved to have said something at the funeral, but was neverr asked. I don't think it wouLd have occurred to any.one that inmight want to. Inwas, very briefly, a bit upset about that. Then i realised that the relationship I had with her was private and personal, and didn't need to be publicly acknowledged.

That sounds like a lovely thing to do, OP.

Jamie, I hadn't thought of that. We aren't a particularly close to extended family like aunts/uncles etc but I stayed with her at least twice a week until I was 15 and then saw her at least once a week until she was taken into the care home when I was 22. Perhaps they didn't realise but I suspect the majority are correct and I really should have made more of an effort at the most important time.

Yabu to annoyed at everyone else for decisions they made. Did they make you feel like crap you decided to not visit or support this relative you are apparently so close to?

She may have been you great grandmother. But her son made the decision. Which he was entitled to do. Also she may have only wanted this. Dhs grandpa didn't want loads of people scattering his ashes. He thought it was an upset with not much point.

I am sorry to be harsh. But you lost all right to pissed off when you stood back and didn't have anything to do with her. Its possible her son thought if you cared that much you would have visited.

Sorry, I know its shit and you feel bad. But you made your decision and they made theirs.

I really really struggle visit my gran now that she is in a dementia nursing home and I hate my self for it.

I used to visit more, but it used to upset her and me. She is now not the woman I grew up with, she doesn't recognise me or anyone from her family. She would really hate living like this. I haven't been since Christmas Day when I spent half an hour with her and I just sobbed through the whole visit.

So, I do understand where you are coming from. I think you need to accept that your mum excluded you for her reasons and you need to find some solace. Planting a tree sounds lovely. I hope you find a less painful way to remember your beloved greatgran. X

I wanted to add that I don't think you should dwell on not having seen her enough in the final few months, I know that's easier said than done but people deal with grief in different ways and it sounds as if you have thought about it a lot since and regret what happened, and that if you were ever faced with a similar situation would try to act differently.
I think you should make peace in your own way and cherish the happy memories that you have with her.
all the best op!

Nefertarii, I agree now that I was fully in the wrong and should have done more when it counted and as such I need to deal with the consequences of that decision without blaming others.

Thanks Julia, the only thing I would say is to learn from my mistake and keep going as hard as it is. I really, really wish I had. I think I would feel completely different. I'm sorry about your gran, it's a horrible disease that just robs everything from the person. I hope she, and your family, doesn't suffer too much.

Thanks again everyone for all your kind words, condolences and frank comments. Much needed and much appreciated

So sad that the OP is getting such a hard time over this. My feelings is that the lady's son wanted to scatter his mum's ashes and probably just didn't think. No other agenda than that.

budgem you must must not feel bad at all about not visiting, it must have been very hard for you. My Dad had dementia and it was just awful and i am ashamed to say that i didn't cope well with it. I was pregnant when it got really bad and he had to go into residential care. I did visit, alot at first but it took its toll. It was so painful to see my dad that way and most times he didn't recognise me or got distressed when he did see us. I did stop going as much and then when he was in hospital towards the end, i just couldn't face it. I had an 8 week old baby and i guess i used her as and excuse - I was paranoid about passing on hospital infection, looking back i know this was becaues i had PND on top of my grief and wasn't coping well. He was moved to a hospice but never regained conciousness and i deeply regretted not visiting him more.

Throughout my life, like you, my relationship wtih my father was good, we were closer than most i would say and 7 years on and i still miss him desprately. I feel regret that I wasn't there more, but not guilt, he wouldn't have wanted me to see him like that. The same for my older daughter, she just couldnt cope with it at all and he was the main father figure in her life and she adored him. But she didn't visit him in hospital and wont visit his grave. I understand, it was just too much. So please people, don't judge until you are that person, everyone copes differently. They don't call dementia the long goodbye for nothing

Firstly, I am sorry for your loss. Have I understood correctly that you are in your early 20s? I really don't mean to patronise, but you are very young and I expect you haven't had many other bereavements during your adult life. So please don't underestimate how hard it is. Knowing what to do and 'how' to visit a sick/ill loved one is very tough. My grandparents both had dementia and the older members of the family purposefully shielded the teens and 20-something's from certain parts of it. So they could remember their lovely grandparents as they were rather than the gruesome and distressing parts take over. Not in a condescending way but just being a sort of protective filter. And keeping everyone fully informed.

Maybe your mum did this in a clumsy sort of way too. Or maybe she let you down by not encouraging you to visit now and then, and keeping you from the ash scattering?

Grief is a strange and personal thing - I very much recommend contacting Cruse - they are excellent at helping. Good luck x