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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I want a second dog, husband doesn't.

38 replies

Sallystyle · 06/02/2013 11:55

I am pretty sure that most would class me as unreasonable here.

Basically, I want another dog and my husband doesn't. I came across a pup I really wanted and he put his foot down. His reasons? he doesn't think we "need" another one and he doesn't want to make life more hard work for ourselves.

I would take full responsibility for another dog, I am here all day every day and trained our other dog. I would not ask him to do a thing and while I know another dog will affect him to some extent he wouldn't have to care for it. I know that he would love it anyway. I would love two dogs and I feel like this is the right time to do it when I can be here pretty much all day long and dedicate a lot of time to training.

We have a very good marriage but today we had a really horrible argument over it. He has put his foot down and said no, and no amount of discussing it with him will change his mind. In 7 years he has never put his foot down, I must admit that he probably compromises more than I do.. if I am being brutally honest, so he must really be dead against it.

I will have to respect his wishes obviously but am I being U for being really sad and really hurt with him? We rarely argue and I don't like feeling this way but right now I feel like a young kid who has been told no and perhaps I am just being a spoilt bitch, but I am really angry and resentful.

I want to try to forget it and move on, but I just feel so angry and sad right now and a stupid part of me really hated being told no. He thinks I need to grow up right now

OP posts:

magicrat · 06/02/2013 12:14

YABU and sound about 10!

Paiviaso · 06/02/2013 12:15

What are his reasons for not wanting a second one? Not "needing" a second one isn't really a reason, you didn't "need" the first either. Is his concern financial? Does he not like your current dog as much you as think?

I think he is BU to put his foot down with no reason, though if he has concerns obviously you should heed them. But he doesn't seem to have any!

Original poster

Sallystyle · 06/02/2013 12:15

I haven't acted very maturely over it. I agree with that.

I still want two dogs though. Obviously it isn't going to happen but I can't help but very really sad over it.

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 06/02/2013 12:17

YABU you already have one dog!

Original poster

Sallystyle · 06/02/2013 12:18

Paiviaso.. he loves the dog we have, he spends loads of time with her and she even shares the bed with him lol

His concerns are not financial and the only reasons he has given is we don't need one and he feels it will make life more stressful even if I do all the care and training.

It'a s shame, not something you can really compromise on.

OP posts:

YorkshireDeb · 06/02/2013 12:19

What are your reasons for wanting another dog - despite it being a good time to train one? Two dogs means twice as much food, double the vets bills, double the kennel costs if you choose to go away. Does your current dog show any signs of needing a companion? (I guess not if you're home all day). If not, it may feel somewhat pushed out by another dog in the household. Unless you have pretty strong reasons for wanting one I think you're going to have to back down. X

Original poster

Sallystyle · 06/02/2013 12:22

I have backed down. I can't change his mind that much is obvious. It's just the sadness I feel over it that I am struggling with.

I guess I don't have any strong reasons for wanting one other than I enjoy dogs and love animals.

So I will back down and it won't be mentioned again and I guess I will get over it in a day or two.

OP posts:

fuzzysnout · 06/02/2013 12:28

I agree with Paiviaso that he needs to give you a proper reason, two dogs really aren't much more work than one. YA both being a bit U not to discuss it more maturely but I can understand your view when he just wants to lay down the law.

Unfortunately you will probably have plenty of MNers telling you that YABU for wanting another dog because they are dirty, smelly, child eating fiends

ResponsibleAdult · 06/02/2013 12:34

I have two dirty smelly child eating fiends. Old beloved dog died, younger dog was bereft with grief. Got a rescue dog to have as a companion thinking it would help.
They have encouraged each others bad behaviour, run off, won't walk to heel, pull on the lead, wind each other up. It is extremely hard work.
Don't get another dog unless he agrees, a dog is for life not just for Christmas. YABU, don't stamp your feet like Verucca Salt, oh, and it was my idea to get the second dog, a decision I regret everyday

Helltotheno · 06/02/2013 13:30

YABU. It's like babies innit.. why should his desire not to have one (for whatever reason) trump your desire to have one (for whatever reason)?

Also, mainly when people have dogs, they occupy the same living space as the family so it's U and moot to say you'd do all the looking after, that's not the way it works.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 06/02/2013 13:31

YABU.

I wanted a second child....DH didnt......so we didn't have one!

Two way street!!

Helltotheno · 06/02/2013 13:32

why should his desire not to have one (for whatever reason) trump your desire to have one (for whatever reason)?

That was meant to be vice versa... but you get the idea. It's just an impasse and you can't ignore his opinion. I suggest wait and say nothing and he might change his mind...

We got a second dog and it was basically shit, every part of it, never again. We had to concede defeat and give the dog to a new home (where she was v happy).

NatashaBee · 06/02/2013 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Treaclesmart · 06/02/2013 14:43

I don't think you are being unreasonable if you can afford it both financially and it terms of time. It's interesting to hear a couple of people say it hasn't worked out for them though, we are in a similar situiation and i have daydreams of best friend dogs curling up together and keeping eachother company!

mistlethrush · 06/02/2013 14:48

Why don't you see if he would agree to foster a dog - there are a number of rescue places that foster dogs out (some of the breed-specifics and MTAR do as I've looked at them recently). If he agrees, you won't 'own' the dog, but you'll be doing a really positive thing, helping with training etc so that the dog can go on and have a better chance of a permanent home... You won't get the vets costs and insurance costs associated with having another dog.

Original poster

Sallystyle · 06/02/2013 15:41

Natasha.. the first dog was his idea! He got his dream dog and he loves her completely.

They are joined at the hip pretty much.

OP posts:

HildaOgden · 06/02/2013 16:21

Have you thought about fostering for a dogs charity?It will give you both a proper feel for having a second dog in the house.It would be temporary,so he wouldn't have to commit long term.And it might take the 'urge' off you (or put the 'urge' on him,so that he is won around to the idea of a second dog).

Might be worth a try I'm totally on your side,I want a second dog too,I'm being out voted though

charlearose · 06/02/2013 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

5hounds · 06/02/2013 17:03

Yanbu going from one to two (or in my case four to five) was easy. And the girls love each others company. I say go for it :)

digerd · 06/02/2013 17:03

Ah, then he doesn't want to share his beloved's love with another dog, Perhaps?

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 06/02/2013 17:37

IME a second dog ends up being four times as much work as one. They teach each other bad habits and rile each other up. As much as I love our second dog I wish we had stuck with one.

2aminthemorning · 06/02/2013 17:51

I understand your sadness. However, having a second dog is a whole different ball game. I was like you, got a lovely first dog, trained her carefully, DH loved her to bits despite not having liked dogs before. Things were going so well, we thought we'd get a second dog. We didn't realise that having two dogs is MUCH more than twice the work of one dog!

To have two dogs without it taking over your life, you really need to be experienced, because dogs have a pack mentality when they get together. They are less inclined to listen to you and will be sorting out a pack order instead. Also, we found two dogs very noisy because they tussle so much. And they do take up more space in the house and incur twice the vet's bills, kennels, license etc.

We kept out second (rescue) dog for two years and did some great rehabilitation work with her, which was rewarding. But longer-term, with a baby, it was impractical and I regret doing it. (I also had to post flyers in 140 veterinary practices to find a suitable home for her, which was so much work in itself).

If you are sure that having two dogs is your dream, I suggest you volunteer with a local dog charity for a while to gain experience and demonstrate your commitment. In addition to that, perhaps you and your partner should think about getting some counselling - just to get some ideas for how to make decisions together. You do sound like you got dead set on an idea and pursued it as if you were single, without caring what your DH felt. Not surprising that he then vetoed the plan without taking your feelings into account. Neither of you should be so uncompromising and thoughtless of each other. If something has got as far as a veto situation, you haven't been talking or listening to each other enough.

Good luck.

Sparrows12 · 06/02/2013 17:52

I agree with self-confessed that two dogs are a complete bloody nightmare. Don't even go there and count your blessings that he has said no. They: wake each other up ridiculously early, as in anything from 3:30am, every day of the week, they bark like battersea dogs home at the slightest letter box noise, they wind each other up constantly, trying to push each other out of the way or to start noisy games, the older one, previously a gorgeous calm 7year old, now barks a lot - v agitated - and scoffs all her food very quickly as she's worried it will disappear - and has put on weight as a result, and when they run up the stairs at 4:30am it sounds like the start of Beethoven II in reverse - and they are not large dogs - just carried away at the excitement of bring together. And for the record, dogs on their own most definitely do not need the company of other dogs.

Original poster

Sallystyle · 06/02/2013 18:06

Thank you for your thoughts.

Usually, we have no problems communicating well. I did act very poorly over this situation and I am actually quite ashamed how I acted. I have apologised to him for getting carried away and not taking his feelings into consideration.

We plan to talk about it more this evening. I very much doubt anything will change and we still won't get another one but we are going to have a conversation about it sensibly where we both listen to one another and go from there.

I was quite surprised that people found it much harder with two dogs and I am going to take that into account too.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sallystyle · 06/02/2013 18:09

Oh, and I think this place is awesome.

I needed a reality check for sure. Just typing it out made me realise that while my husband didn't with it well either, I completely put him on the spot and my behaviour was what resulted in his attitude.

I even made him a big chocolate cake to say sorry

OP posts:

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