to focus on what's wrong?

[yaimee]

I'm quite happy at the moment, I have a lovely ds who is hard work but well worth it, I have a supportive family who have enabled me to go back and finish my degree after having ds, my dp is kind and thoughtful and we get on fairly well, he does his fair share in the house and with ds and is supportive of me.
I feel really lucky and grateful for all these things but I'm unhappy in my relationship because me and dp have no sex, at all. In the past 2 years i think we've tried 6 times and not all of those have been successful.
We've been together 5 years and after the first 6months things started to cool down, and now they have come to a grinding halt and I'm unsure about what to do.
over the past few years I've tried various ways to liven things up, I've tried talking to him about it, I've tried giving him space and not mentioning it but nothing i do seems to work.
He says his back hurts, he's tired etc etc and it's got to the point now where I've stopped trying too as i can't take the rejection anymore, I'm not sure if he sees it as a problem or not, but i definitely do, its turned me into a teenage boy, all i can think about is sex!!!
Aibu to put so much emphasis on this? I feel like I'm allowing something quite shallow to ruin what would be a good relationship.
And wwyd? Any advice?

It's not something shallow or trivial if it is bothering you this much.

Sex is an important part of a relationship and it is hard when you both have different sex drives but really, to not have sex at all is very unusual and not ok unless both parties are ok with that.

Any reason why he has such a low sex drive?? Is he depressed?? Would he see his gp and discuss it with him?? When you first got together in those six months was he like a rabbit or still not massively keen.

He isn't gay is he? Sorry, had to ask .....years ago my friend had a boyfriend and she could never work out why he never wanted sex. He admitted after years that he was gay but trying not to be!! I am sure your DH isn't but just trying to cover all aspects.

But no YANBU to want to try and sort this out and focus on what is wrong in your relationship.

YANBU. Sex is a very important part of a healthy adult relationship and being constantly rejected is very bad for your confidence and self-esteem. A kind thoughtful man who does housework is great but, without sex, he's basically a flat-mate. Is it just sex off the table or have all kinds of physical intimacy gone by the wayside... cuddling, holding hands, etc ?

He broke his back just before we met and is often in pain which is most often the reason he uses to avoid sex, and he is seeing a doctor to try to sort this out but I don't think he would talk to the go about how it affects our sex life or anything else about our sex life really.
I don't think he's depressed or gay, and I know that he is interested in sex, I've found porn , it just seems like he isn't interested in me anymore.
I realise that his back problems are a legitimate problem but he isn't constantly in pain and they don't stop him from being active on other ways.
He's a very busy person with lots of hobbies and just seems to have prioritised sex last.

Maybe the medication he is on for his back pain has affected his libido? Could he change meds? Is he interested in getting this sorted.

He really needs to talk to you about what is going on.

Cognito, that's exactly how I feel, like I'm living with a close friend. We are intimate, kiss and cuddle etc but nothing very flirty or sexual.
It might also be worth mentioning that I'm 25 and he's 39 so there is a big age gap. Will it ever get better?

Porn often messes things up really badly. Men who use porn can find they don't get anything like the same buzz from a real live woman. It's not that he's not interested in sex, therefore, he's just getting satisfaction elsewhere. If his back problems don't stop him doing other activities then that's no excuse either. You have to urgently discuss this with him. It is a serious problem that, if it is not even acknowledged let alone resolved, will make you more and more miserable.

Are you physically affectionate with each other?

at the beginning of our relationship he was on meds that affected him but has since changed to something different.
I'm not sure if he wants to sort things or not, I don't even know if he thinks its a problem, or knows that I'm having such a hard time with it.
We do talk about it sometimes but I try not to bring it up too often as I'm worried this might make things worse.

(This might be better suited to the 'Relationships' board rather than AIBU btw)

" I don't even know if he thinks its a problem, "

You have to make it clear that it actually is a problem. All relationships hit snags and saying nothing is never a good strategy... especially not with something as fundamental as this. I don't think you can make it worse than it already is.

What I mean by that is that, he knows I think its a problem, I'm just not sure he thinks its one, as in I think that he might be fairly content with the situation as it is and just be trying to placate we when we discuss it.
As I say, it feels as though he has just prioritised sex last.

In a good relationship, if there is something one or the other thinks is a problem, you have to resolve it together. It's not the action of a loving partner to treat someone's concerns as though they don't matter and aren't important. 'I'm all right Jack' is not a legitimate reaction. Making something low priority that is high priority for a partner - wanting different things - is not a healthy relationship. That's just being taken for granted.

He gets his sexual release from porn. You're left high and dry. Time you stopped accepting the platitudes I think.