To tell DD the 'truth' about her Father?

[Pandera]

DD(7)'s Father and I separated when she was 6 months old. He is not British and went back to his own country and has had no contact with DD since.

I got together with my now DH when DD was 18 months and he has been her Daddy ever since, we now have 2 more DC.

DH and I would like for him to adopt DD (he already has parental responsibility), DD has been keen on the idea but broke down this morning saying she was unsure as didn't want to upset her biological Father (last time we started the adoption process he said no).

I am in touch with DD's bio family via facebook and we write to each other and they ask after DD and say they love her, but they live so far away and don't have much money and feel she is happy and settled with her new Dad. Her bio Father has never written.

DH says I have confused DD by making out her bio family are her 'real' family and I have built them up, when in fact they are assholes who have never bothered with her, I said that is his opinion and not the 'truth'.

Clearly she can see the facts - they are not here and don't make contact with her directly - but I think emphasising this would only hurt DD. I can't help but wonder whether DH is jealous of them and the fact she will one day want to look them up??

Am I confusing her? Should I give her more 'facts'?

She's still very young. I'm not sure what you could say to her that wouldn't be downright cruel at that age tbh.

I agree, I also think she can see the facts for herself, this will be hard enough for her to deal with. I don't think his family are the 'bad people' that DH seems intent on believing they are.

Surely the adoption is for DD's benefit? If she's expressing anxiety about it then I think you should let it go. Slating her paternal family by giving her "facts" is likely to cause her distress - she's half one of them. If she's 7 I think she's too young, especially as she doesn't seem to be asking why they don't see her.

Children IME are capable of dealing better with situations when they have more information. Keeping them in the dark only means that their imagination fills in the gaps... often incorrectly. However you paint her father and his relatives, I think it's important for you and your DH to explain what a 'real family' actually is i.e. the people who care for you and look after you, 24/7. Also please stress to your DD that you are her 'real' family whether she is adopted by your new husband or not.

I don't think you are doing the wrong thing. I completely understand, you are trying to consider the feelings of both your DH and your DD too. It is quite understandable that your DH feels as he does, he sees your Dd as his daughter and the other side of her family have done nothing for her. On the other hand your Dd knows about her biological family and has contact with them, albeit not in person. That is probably quite important to her. I have been in a very similar situation OP and think you are handling it the right way, respecting your Dds feelings. It is hard though because you no doubt feel for your DH who is always there for your Dd. I'm happy to pm if you want to discuss further.

Thanks Cherries I'll Pm you.

I think DH is concerned I am building them up and they will let her down, or that she will idealise them in her mind as her 'real' family and DH will get pushed to the side lines

But yes, it is more about her feelings than DH's, she is the one who will have all of this to deal with for the rest of her life.

CogitoErgoSometimes - Yes, I'll have a talk to her about 'real' family when she gets home. She does know this but I think it's all very confusing for her. She was upset this morning but couldn't explain why, I asked if she felt confused and she said yes so I told her it was okay to feel lots of different feelings at once.

It's a hard situation, and I feel for you all. In my line of work we deal with a lot of birth and adoptive families for a variety of reasons. We usually advise parents to be truthful with children, but not emotive, so tell them that birth family live a long way away, aren't able to visit because they have no money/whatever, but try not to impart any of your opinions of them on the child. They need to know the facts of the matter, and need reassuring that the adoptive parent loves them just like his/her own child.

I'm my experience girls (I have DDs and have worked with Beownies for many years) ability to understand social relationships improves massively between 7 and 10 and continues of course beyond that.

I think the best you can do is to explain in brief simple terms now and be prepared to expand the conversation as your DD gets older.

A seven yo sees the adult world in very black and white terms, a 10-11 yo understands there are many many shades of grey and that adults are people too.

Do you think it would be better to wait until we start the adoption process? It seems silly while she is still so confused. Obviously she wants DH to be her 'Daddy on paper & in the law' but she doesn't want to get rid of her bio Dad or make him angry and also doesn't want to upset anyone.

DH feels that as her bio dad has had no contact for 6.5 years that he has no right to parental responsibility. He would like to make the strongest possible commitment to his daughter by adopting her and I am with him 100% on this, we want DD to feel she is part of our family (in regards to DH) legally as well as emotionally & physically.

Last time we started the process her bio Dad said he wouldn't agree to it, that was in June 2010. I spoke to him on teh phone and he promised he would contact her and play a part in her life, we have heard nothing since.

(Sorry pressed enter too soon!)

But he does now have 2 more children by two different women who are DD's half brother & sister and who she will want to know one day, she will also want a relationship with his family even if not with him.