My MIL and her wanting a certain amount of days with my child...

[JingleMum]

Hi,

Firstly a bit about our relationship; she's a lovely woman, we don't have much in common but we are family and I love her (she gets on my nerves occasionally as do all other members of my family) So no bad blood between us etc...

Ok, my DD is 3, so not a baby, she loves her Grandmother and likes spending time with her. I work 2 days per week and DD is in Nursery.

MIL usually rings me (on the day) and asks can she take DD for the day, usually if we have no plans she takes her, if we do have plans I say no but you can have her another day. She rang me on Sunday said "I feel like I never see her, so I'll take her on Tuesday for lunch, then also Friday and Saturday" This pissed me off, she does this quite a lot, one day isn't enough for her, but bare in mind my mum works full time so I have to factor visits in to my Mum with DD and also my Dad (they are separated) plus I want my own precious time with DD when I'm not working.

Spoke to fiancé about it, he of course immediately defends her and believes that because she doesn't really have friends, and because she doesn't work and is not in the best of health that she should be entitled to take DD whenever she asks. He said I'm jealous because my mum works and he is correct about that, I don't want his mum to hog her, I want my mum to have equal time, I can't help feeling like that?

It caused murder between us, and this happens every couple of months when she tries to take DD a lot.

I feel once a week is enough, and basically that's what is happening. My maternal feelings go crazy when she wants her more than one day, it doesn't feel right and I don't want her too.

AIBU in putting my foot down and saying "No" next time she asks for her more than once a week. She gets bored and I think she wants DD to be her hobby, but it doesn't sit right with me. Fiancé has now listened to my reasoning and has calmed down and is happy to go along with what I decide.

Thanks guys, seems like you agree that 3 days (or even 2 full days) is excessive.

I would be the same with my own mum, I wouldn't let her have DD that often.

Your MIL is being overbearing. I think one day a week is plenty for your MIL to have your dd on her own. I work 4 days a week, my mum and MIL have to make do with one visit from us all per week, and only have dd on their own once in a blue moon. Stick to your guns. Once a week is plenty.

I don't think there is anything unreasonable about the way you feel! Why are so many mils trying to claim their grand kids as their own?! They need to bloody back off!

its way too excessive if you feel uncomfy with it.
Its such an awkard situation!!
Whats wrong with these people!

My MIL like this - I have since come to think after the abhorrent way she treated and still treats my Dh and me - that she was bloody lucky to see our DD after birth about three or four times a month - from 8am to 8pm - the occasional week and lots of over nights and once or twice a weekend.

THIS wasnt enough - DH said he always felt I was keeping DD from MIL.

Seeing as my own DM had little conact with another GC and respected the DM wishes - and was grateful for seeing her only GC about five times - MILS grasping came in sharp relief.

Its grasping and over bearing, and it shadows out the time you do with your DD because then you cant help feel sorry for them - but then you think - why am I feeling sorry for HER, if she had HER way - she would probably adopt DD and NEVER let ME get any time with her!!! I honeslty belive that. And I know my MIL effectively cut her own MIL out of the GC lives, and left her alone to pass her widow hood and old age and then go into a home without her support or help.

maybe you should point to her grandparents websites where they are moaning about never getting access etc so she can see she is very lukcy - ( not that she should have to be in an ideal world everyone would get on) but that in real life - lots of GP dont see GC.

Thanks everyone, so glad to know that I'm not being totally unreasonable. Fiancé always takes her side, I know he loves her, but I'm not doing it to be cruel, I just feel uncomfortable with more than 1 day. My maternal instincts scream "back off!"

I meant dh felt he felt that his DM thought this not that he thought it.

Jungle they are coming from the idea probably they secretly should be the childs main carer as they know best - so anything less than full care wont seem like alot - not matter how well meaning they are!

jungle! Jingle.

I don't get this at all. My dds have never been handed over to anyone for the day. They see my in-laws, but I'm there too. They see my mum, but I'm there too. I don't see any reason why anyone is entitled to "have" your child for the day.

hold on, hold on. who gave birth to this little girl?
your baby, your rules. and that applies when she's older, too.
tell your mil.
tell her. don't ask.
'sorry, i can't spare dd more than one day a fortnight and we'll need to plan ahead.' or 'this is my daughter. i don't want to hand her over. at all. so i'm not going to. come with us to xxx place on friday afternoon'.

Ok, so I wouldn't like the ringing-on-the-day thing, but I actually think your MIL is quite cute she obviously adores the socks off your DD.

I may be approaching this with a different perspective though, DD's grandma lives in Australia and she is yet to meet DD (or me).

If you don't want this then say so. Set it to one day a week (if that's what you want) and if she's not "the kind of person to use calendars" then she doesn't get DD for the day.

Thanks girls. I had started to question myself & feel guilty. Once a week is enough, end of, I guess I have to be firm about that.

Tuesday is MIL day here. Now they are teens they still get collected after school with their cousin, have tea of their choice, argue about Gay Marriage issues ( tonight's issue of contention, PILS read the Fail daily)

It has been a godsend over the many years. I get peace and DC get to appreciate me for my very different views.

YANBU - especially as she takes her off, and for an entire day!

My PIL look after my DD for one day a week, while I work, and I;m very grateful for this - but if they wanted to take her away for another day while I was not working I would not be happy as I want to spend time with her myself. I would feel the same if it was my DM. If they want to visit and tag along with our activities, then fine, but don;t take my precious time with my daughter away from me,.

YANBU - 3 days a week is ridiculous! I wouldn't even have one day a week without me as a regular arrangement. Why does she have to see her alone? And yes, the way she asked would have massively got my back up too.

Ladies, thanks so much, I started to think I was DIL from he'll after some of the comments saying IWBU on here!

ChasedByBees it was the way she almost told me? She does this every so often. Also she'll return DD after the day and very often say "I'll ring at the weekend and if you're not doing anything I'll take her" now, I know that's not a big deal, but it still irks me that she says it when she has just had DD for the day and the weekend is only a day or two away.

Your DD needs time to be not doing anything though. She needs to have days where you hang out together, do drawing, watch crap tv, go to the park and things like that. Those are important too, and if your MIL or anyone else swans in and takes her then she's really missing out on that normal time to relax.

I think you need to be a lot stronger about saying, "no MIL, not today, we're just having a chill out day."

This is alien to me too as my offspring are all over the world.Dear God,sympathy to the poor "pigs in the middle " husbands/partners who have to negotiate these prickly little issues.

How does your DD feel about all this? From what I'm gathering, you work two days a week, your MIL has her at least one further day, your Mum has her one day, her Aunt wants her at least one day...the poor kid's shuttled from pillar to post! I know she loves them all and they love her and it's lovely, but that sounds exhausting. Kids like routine and stability. Mine has a slightly complicated schedule; two days of nursery, two "mummy days", one "daddy day" which used to be half a Nana day and half a Daddy day...but they were the same days each week, the same activities always happened on Mummy days or Daddy days, etc. Especially at this age, knowing what's going to happen tomorrow is really important!

With regards to the day my mum "has" her, it's not really like that, i go too, we go the park with DD or for lunch or shopping etc... My mum also has her overnight if i'm having the odd night out. Mum only really has that one day alone with her if i ask her, for example if i'm on a course with work or i'm at a hospital appt etc...

I agree we need chill out days to draw, play, watch a dvd etc.. But if i said no to MIL because we were staying in and having a chill day, my fisnce would moan and MIL would still try to insist "well you get your cleaning done instead and i'll take her, better than her being stuck in etc.."

I'm just going to have be firm. No means no, one day is enough.

It was the "i never see her" that really got my back up. I'm still angry about it.

tortoise pot/kettle/black??

jingle I think I'm just gonna start being twatty when mine is born a
And blame it on pnd lol
I've got a thing for hand washing before picking baby up as MIL smokes like a chimney and I know that will cause wars !

shutthebloodydoor has MIL started asking you/making comments about how things will be after the baby?

jingle
a jokey comment about her having baby while we are are work -paid of course.

wanting to be in the delivery room while im in labour? -didnt even ask!? just said ''make sure u call me as i was there at other DC!

She is mental though, this weekend she brought SIL kids round to my house (another thread! lol) as she was leaving them with me (unanounced) while she went to a party i should have been going to..

She kept saying to eldest 13 boy who couldnt even look or talk to her out of embarrasment ''nanna is only doing this as she loves you -- i would NEVER leave u alone'' then proceeded to phone him through out night asking if he 'forgave her' ?

I all ready think im going to have trouble with her over our baby as she truley thinks her other dc love her more than there own mother (its creepy) -even though she has been hidious to SIL in past. To the point SIL had to apologise to something she didnt do/say just to get through christmas!

I think your great even allowing one day to be honest, I think im going to be incredibly selfish.

I know this will sound unsympathetic, but basically your MIL, mum and aunt are falling over themselves to have your DD and to help you.

I hope you are counting your lucky stars, there are so many uninterested/unavailable/inept/overseas/dead GPs out there.

I know it's bad form to shout "first world problem", but I really wouldn't let over abundance of love and help bother me :)

*Count your lucky stars - as in count your blessings and thank your lucky star