To want to nut DH's family?

[stripeyjimjams]

Sorry, not a very nice way to start a thread.

DH had an unhappy childhood, lots of feuding and divisions which continue to this day. His Dad was abusive to his Mum, and DH witnessed both physical and emotional abuse regularly. They had financial problems, mainly due to his dad gambling and drinking and DH's memories of childhood all centre around feeling worried that they'd have no money for food or their electricity would be switched off. He feels he was pretty much treated like an adult from an early age, and was never sheltered from any of this.

Fast forward to his teens, early 20s, he ran away from his family, ended up in a psych hospital after a suicide attempt. His parents never visited him, but at one point phoned him up to ask for money (which he didn't have). He feels guilty about being angry at his parents. We got married last year and, when he was writing his speech, got upset because he said he'd like to thank his parents for loving and supporting him, but it would be a lie.

He knows his dad doesn't give a toss about him, but recently his DM has been meeting up with my DM to complain that he doesn't see her or his dad enough. He recently found out that his dad sneaked off to the bookies during our wedding meal, holding up the day for everyone else. And my DM has also been told that his aunt (who has never made any effort with him either and loves stirring) is pissed off as she didn't get a thank you card from us after the wedding. We definitely sent one to her, but from our honeymoon abroad, so it may well have got lost. I haven't told him about this yet because I know he'd feel ashamed and embarrassed. He is the kindest, most thoughtful person, who would never cut ties with his family, gets them v thoughtful Christmas and birthday presents and travels to spend time with them when he can. But this anger and feeling of abandonment is eating away at him and he gets more withdrawn and sad after he's seen them.

My poor mum should not be getting dragged into this and used as a pawn in their arguments. They do it with me too. We're doing our best not to get involved. I'm from a pretty calm background where we can't make a fight last an hour, let alone over 30 years. I feel awful for how his mum suffered, but he's in such a bad way. Do I say anything to his family? Encourage him to say something or just not engage with them? I don't know. He just can't let go of the past and the way he feels about his family, but carries on seeing them and he's getting sadder and more resentful.

They sound toxic and if I were him I would cut all ties with them.

I bet if he didn't see them at all, after a while he would get happier and happier.

Some mothers just don't deserve to have their children in their lives you know. Would he consider cutting them out totally?

You need to encourage him to talk about his upbringing and about his parents' current behaviour. Over time the best thing would be for him to cut contact altogether but that is a very big step and it might take a long time for him to come around to that.

How is your MIL managing to contact your mother? Could your mother just stop talking to her?

I would suggest tlking to you mothe and outlining the stuff you said above. she can then take it all with a pinch of salt...

I think the best thing possible - for both of you - would be to cut all ties. But this would be very, very difficult for him to do.

Has he ever had counseling specifically regarding his relationship w his parents? Would he consider it?

I think you should be very clear with your mother that you do not want to hear second hand complaints from your dh's parents. And that she is not expected to meet up with them, unless she wishes to do so.

Please do not waste any sympathy on your inlaws, or try and understand them. They were adults when they treated your dh badly, they are adults now - so they had/have choices about how they behaved and this is how they chose and are still choosing to treat him. Your priority is your dh and whilst you cannot fight his battles you can try and minimize contact - certainly don't arrange to see/contact them because you feel you should.

If you look on the Relationships section there are threads specifically dealing with dysfunctional families and their aftermath. These may be useful to you because it is really a huge can of worms that is being opened.

Thanks for the advice, everyone. The prospect of cutting them out of his life is something we've discussed but he already feels so much guilt around them that it's something he feels he can't do. He has lots of siblings, and now nieces and nephews so it would be hard to avoid seeing certain people at the DC's birthday parties.

I think he should speak to a counsellor, but he says he's had so much counselling when he was young that he doesn't think it would help. Re: his mum and my mum, my DM is like me, bit too eager to please at times and therefore tried to initiate a friendship with his mum. She does take the bitching with a pinch of salt, but loves my DH like her son and is getting pissed off at all the stirring.

He doesn't realise it because he's been in an emotional choke-hold for years, but he's worth a thousand times more than that from what you've said. At least he's turned out well, despite all that. I'd want to nut the buggers too stripeyjimjams

Maybe if he saw someone for this that was a 'neutral' on the subject they'd be able to help he see things as they really are, without the guilt etc influencing his interactions with his family. At least then he might be able to still see his family if he really wants to but handle all the negative emotions a little better. Sounds like the poor bloke could benefit from a little catharsis

*him ....scuse my crappy keyboard

What an awful situation! My heart goes out to you and DH. It sounds like he would be better off cutting all ties. Also counselling may help, I know hes had some but he should try again. Your poor mum should maybe try to distance herself from his mum. Hope you get the help you need

Thank you so much everyone for your sensitive replies. I'm going to sit down with DH tonight and suggest we look into some family-centred counselling. Things can't go on as they are: he's done so well to have the great relationships he has with me and his friends given his history, but there's still a way to go.

I can't guarantee I won't one day nut at least one member of his family, but I'll try.

Think that's a good idea stripeyj
It's worth a shot
Best of luck to you guys

Just another wee question, if you don't mind. Would it be polite of me to contact his aunt to say yes, we loved your wedding gift, did send you a thank you note, sorry it didn't get there?

Part of me thinks it would be the kind thing to do (if I were dealing with someone else who wasn't so vindictive/fond of drama) but the other part thinks she'll find some roundabout way to get it back to DH just to annoy him and he'll end up feeling guilty and embarrassed again. Should I just stay out if it? I know it sounds utterly trivial, but this family can turn anything into a personal slight and make other people miserable as a result.

I would contact the aunt, yes.

I understand your rage OP. DH's family were pretty vile to him when he was growing up, his siblings are very much the favoured children, etc etc. It all suited them when he was in an unhappy marriage, very middling job where he was wasted and so on.

Fast forward and a divorce later, we are happily married and have two lovely DCs, and DH's career has gone from strength to strength. MIL is really happy for him, she suffered verbal and physical abuse from FIL which DH witnessed, and she is pleased to see him break the cycle. FIL is another matter.

We do have contact - but everything is 'alright for you' and their problems are the real earth-shattering ones

I think you have to go with what your DH wants to do. Mine has finally agreed to go and have some counselling to deal with his relationship with his father, and he is terrified. I am just being supportive at the moment, if he decides down the line that he needs to cut him out then that is up to him.

Thank the aunt. Send a delayed card saying the last one got lost in the post but that you appreciate her kindness. Be the grown up, even if she isn't.

Maybe don't see the his FIL and ask your mum not to pass on any comments? If he needs to, he could tell his dad that he can't see him as it makes things harder to move forward.