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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to just do my own thing? (DH & IL related - bit trivial)

122 replies

retrocutie · 05/02/2013 04:51

OK, so we live abroad and have just had a baby. I told DM that I would take the baby (and our other kids) home to visit her at Easter, which is also her birthday. Just for a bit of background, DM suffers from an anxiety disorder similar to agoraphobia, so can't travel.

IL's emailed us a few weeks ago to tell us that they are coming over to meet the new baby. That's great, except they said they are thinking of coming for Easter. I immediately drafted a reply and sent it to DH (he was at work) along the lines of: retrocutie is taking the kids to visit her DM at Easter, but you can come at any of these other dates [half terms, etc.]. I then set out a list of dates.

Anyway, that was ages ago and DH has still not sent the email. Every time I ask him about it, he says "well, I told IL's to check with us before they actually book anything". My concern is that they will go to all the trouble of organising their holiday at Easter (they also have DC in another country they need to visit), then DH will say they can't come. Or alternatively they'll book it then I'll have to cancel my trip to visit DM, who would be heartbroken.

I don't know what to do. If I email IL's, it will be a case of 'Bad RetroCutie not allowing us to visit our DG" (they don't like me).

Shall I just leave it all to DH and go at Easter as planned? Or is that BU, considering it might screw up the IL's plans? Not sure what to do. Thanks.

OP posts:
deXavia · 05/02/2013 04:57

Tell you DH if he doesn't send the alternative dates today you'll do it, Honestly living abroad means that juggling grandparent visits can be close to negotiating a UN treaty (depending on the family obviously!) Get the dates and current plans out in the open and then everyone knows where they stand.

AnMum · 05/02/2013 05:03

Why can't you just email them yourself? Don't understand why you need DH to do it...

Original poster
retrocutie · 05/02/2013 05:06

Why can't you just email them yourself? Don't understand why you need DH to do it...

Because then it will be a case of "bad Retrocutie won't allow us to come". Or, "well, DH hasn't said we can't come at Easter, so we thought it was OK". Or something like that.

OP posts:
lurkedtoolong · 05/02/2013 05:13

It would be very U to let the ILs come knowing that you'll be out of the country but of course you shouldn't change your plans.

You have to let them know you aren't available at Easter and tell your DH he has to send the email today. Your DH says that well, I told IL's to check with us before they actually book anything - they have, they're waiting back to hear from you, presumably if they don't hear back, they'll assume all is ok.

deXavia · 05/02/2013 05:13

Copy him in and say you have agreed...
Look if its that kind of relationship you'll get the blame anyway but better to do it now rather than after they've booked travel or made other arrangements with your DHs siblings.

Original poster
retrocutie · 05/02/2013 07:40

No, I'm not going to email them. It will turn into a massive row with them saying that DH said it was OK, she'll be crying down the phone to him, then I'll be expected to cancel my trip to see my mum.

OP posts:
snowtimelikethepresent · 05/02/2013 07:51

Well you are not being unreasonable to say this is trivial: it certainly is! The answer is staring you in the face.

lurkedtoolong and dexavia between them seem to have the problem and solution completely sussed, yet you refuse to email because it might make you look like the bad guy??? And just how do you think it's going to play if you don't say anything and they come anyway (unlikely but still....)?

FWIW yanbu to be irritated with your DH...I used to have one like that...but in this situation surely just play the hand you're dealt, and (swift change of metaphor alert) keep your powder dry for a battle worth winning!

And btw do not on any account change your plans to visit your DM!

ComradeJing · 05/02/2013 07:59

YANBU.

Leave them to it. If DH refuses to email them then let him be the bad guy when it goes wrong.

Since you'll be the bad guy either way - them booking cos dh didn't tell them or you telling them not to come - which is more likely to give you the most grief?

Book your own tickets home now. Make them non refundable!

Arithmeticulous · 05/02/2013 08:02

Book your tickets. Put your itinerary next to the phone/pc/on the calendar. And do nothing - including cancelling your trip.

Facebaffle · 05/02/2013 08:08

Can't you ring rather than email then there'll be no confusion about your tone. The situation will become worse, the longer you leave it.

katiecubs · 05/02/2013 08:19

What's wrong with your DH FFS just tell him to email them now or get him to give you his log in and do it yourself - how bloody ridiculous!

CloudsAndTrees · 05/02/2013 08:19

No one can expect you to cancel your trip. Make it clear to your DH that there is absolutely no way you are prepared to do that, then any fall out is his to deal with alone.

Haven't you booked flights or anything for your trip to see your Mum yet? If not, then do it now.

Startail · 05/02/2013 08:24

Just send the very standard DH has been unbelievably busy at work and forgot to tell you ....... Email

It covers most instances of he'll explode if I nag him again, so I'm just going to do it.

ENormaSnob · 05/02/2013 08:25

I wouldn't cancel my trip regardless of what ils were doing.

WhichIsBest · 05/02/2013 08:30

Book your tickets. Don't be manipulated into changing your perfectly reasonable plans for the sake of your DH being lazy.

What is wrong with your DH?? Why would he not try his hardest to keep things smooth between you and your ILs if you already have a bumpy relationship? Why would he want to increase your anxiety about the relationship instead? He sounds like he is being useless!

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 05/02/2013 08:37

YANBU

it's up to your DH to email the and sort things out, do you think he hasn't done it because he'll try and guilt you into not going? Tell him in no uncertain terms what your plans are and then leave him to it

I can understand why you don't want to be the one to tell them, I also doubt that if the roles were reversed that your DH would be the one getting in contact with your mum to sort out plans. Owning a vagina doesn't make you the automatic social secretary of the house

Original poster
retrocutie · 05/02/2013 09:48

Yeah, I think he thinks if he does nothing, then his parents will come whenever they like and I'll just fit in with them. Like I always do.

Also, whenever I bring it up, he says that my mum should just come out here. Then I have to point out - again - that due to her anxiety issues, she can't travel. Then he'll say she is being stupid and selfish and how he doesn't think there is anything wrong with her. This is usually the end of the conversation.

OP posts:
MarilynValentine · 05/02/2013 09:49

YANBU.

But for the love of reason email them! And just deal with their reaction. By ignoring it cheerily. If the MIL is crying down the phone, let DH listen to it. Get a cheerful, reasonable stock reply - "Oh we agreed it ages ago, DH was going to tell you but he's been so busy. We'd love to see you soon, when else can you come?" And repeat. Don't apologise.

Your DH is either being spineless (knows they'll flip and doesn't want to deal with it) or manipulative (intends for you to have to cancel your visit to your DM but doesn't want to be up front about it).

At some point you will have to find a way to deal with this problem. If you have to be the only adult here, so be it.

MortifiedAdams · 05/02/2013 09:51

Just email them. They are your family. Stop.being so bloody petty.

MarilynValentine · 05/02/2013 09:51

Wow retrocutie, your DH sounds like a prick.

Book your tickets. Non refundable. And go. Tell your DH that that is what is happening.

Don't allow yourself to be bullied.

Original poster
retrocutie · 05/02/2013 09:53

Er, exactly how am I being petty?

OP posts:
WhichIsBest · 05/02/2013 10:07

Your DH sounds less useless now, and more like a prick, as MarilynV said.

I did suspect that it might turn out to be the case.
:(

lottiegarbanzo · 05/02/2013 10:08

YABVU. I think you're being ridiculous not to call or email them yourself. You would actually allow them to go to the expense of booking tickets to visit at a time when you and the baby won't be there, to save yourself from a few critical words (from people who apparently don't like you anyway, so will always find something else to criticise)? So your desire to avoid this particular little droplet of criticism, in a lifelong sea of it, is worth what, hundreds or thousands of pounds of their money? That's more than petty.

You say though that you always give in and go along with what your husband wants. In which case you have effectively decided that's what's going to happen this time to, so you are in fact being very unfair on your mother, who you're not going to be able to visit because you are being such a drip.

Grow a backbone, stand up to your DH and book your travel to visit your mother.

blackeyedsusan · 05/02/2013 10:14

oh for fuck's sake. book the tickets go. do not cancel. let dh deal with the fall out...

sorry that sounds really harsh... i am having a bit of a strop about school and was trying to calm down before composing an email.. unfortunately your dh has made me quite cross.... ex was a bit like that too... bloody useless at arranging things without consulting and expexting me to cancel plans already made... because his family and their arrangements were oh so more important than mine...

oh and the stupid aand selfish one is not you mum, or you...

MarilynValentine · 05/02/2013 10:19

You're getting mostly YANBU and some YABU but everyone is saying the same thing:

Book non-refundable tickets and go. Tell your DH.

And email them. And just deal with their reaction. If you make a stand now you can start to change their expectations (and your DH's) that they always come first.

They can happily sometimes come first, but not all.

I know it's shit. But you're going to have to be courageous and get a handle on the situation here. The longer you wait for others to be reasonable and fair (when they're not), the weaker and more disempowered you will feel.

Good luck.