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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel hurt for my fatherless son

129 replies

spiritedaway · 04/02/2013 21:24

I have 4 dc- the youngest is 2 the eldest 10. The youn gest 2 have no contact with their father. My Dp wants to move in and be a dad to my little 2. He has shown great commitment over the last year during a fairly long distance relationship. He would like a child of his own. To not have one is a deal breaker. I am currently a single mum of 4. I would love a baby together but i need to weigh against needs of the other kids. I feel like he is saying my little 2 are not enough and would almost be downgraded by his own child. He saying he just doesn't want to always feel like an outsider looking in. I am over 40. I also fear becoming a single mum of 5. I asked him what if i say no, he replied he would leave. If i try, but we can't then he says that would be ok. Is this more like wants me to prove something to him? I really feel it is crunch time.

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WorraLiberty · 04/02/2013 22:14

Yeah I do agree with Kiwiinkits on the slightly idle thing.

It's absolutely understandable that compared to you, he would look slightly idle because he doesn't have all the chores and responsibilities that comes with being a single parent.

But if you two are going to live together, you're going to have to learn to delegate some things to him and he'll have to learn to accept them.

I vote you start with that lie in! Grin

Original poster
spiritedaway · 04/02/2013 22:19

I am U to feel that him wanting me to want to try for a dc is a rejection of my little 2 dcs. . who he misses like crazy, aren't I. . ?

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Hissy · 04/02/2013 22:38

Slow down!

This is a guy you've known a year, in a LDR most of the time? And he's got this baggagy background, damaged, and he wants to be a daddyto your 2yo? How can he do that, when he has no experience of what a family, good or otherwise, is all about?

It's not right. The 'trying' thing is for you to prove yourself to him. Bad move. Jump through hoops for me, higher, faster, more. He's lazy now, when he's trying to win you over? It'll only get worse when he's not on supposed 'best behaviour'

He's not a catch.

LineRunner · 04/02/2013 22:44

I would agree with Hissy and I think your gut is telling you the same.

HildaOgden · 04/02/2013 22:55

Hissy said exactly what I was thinking....my alarm bells aren't just ringing,they're clanging.Sorry,I know that's not what you want to hear.

12 months of a long distance relationship is too soon to move in a new 'Daddy',not just for your little ones but probably more especially for the older ones who have been through enough changes already.

Original poster
spiritedaway · 04/02/2013 22:56

maybe. . i have actually known him for 10 yrs as a close family friend. And my previous relationship was with someone who put on the biggest act ever in the win me over phase and turned out to be a serial abuser. I sometimes feel reassured by my blokes laziness, like he's not putting on a show. So very confused and paralysed because of past mistakes. I don't know my instincts. I don't mind being on my own. . so it's not that i need someone.

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Original poster
spiritedaway · 04/02/2013 23:00

Hilda. . you are so right about the eldest 2.

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Original poster
spiritedaway · 04/02/2013 23:01

The eldest 2 have a close relationship with their Dad btw. . no new daddy status for them

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HildaOgden · 04/02/2013 23:20

They've had a Dad in their lives...who has left,for whatever reason.They've had a stepfather,who has totally disappeared.And now they have your boyfriend,who has warned you he's off too,unless you try to conceive his baby (at aged 40+).

While I understand he wants a child ,and that he wants to feel like an 'insider',the truth of it is that he will always be,in part,an outsider.He will never be the father of any of your 4 kids...and both of you need to really see that.

I personally would feel too unsure about the stability of all this,or whether just 'trying' (unsuccessfully) for a baby would actually satisfy whatever void he feels.

Kiwiinkits · 04/02/2013 23:23

I think slow down too. You like him, he likes you. He wants to commit to you (on paper at least). What's the hurry on him moving in? Can he prove his commitment to you by getting a job near to where you live? Can he get a shared flat near to your place (so you're not living together, but closer to each other). Willingness to do those things would suggest that he's a good bet.

Try counselling to resolve some of your grief and sadness about your other relationships before getting too much further into this one. Tell your boyfriend that you love him, and the reason you're going slowly is to not only protect your self but to protect him.

Original poster
spiritedaway · 04/02/2013 23:28

Well put Hilda, thankyou. Can a non biological not be a parent to a child tho? I imagine he could adopt my 2, down the line. Their father is banned from even making an application for contact because of his conduct and convictions for harassment. It is me who feels he could be their "dad".Am i totally wrong there?

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BegoniaBampot · 04/02/2013 23:29

Understand he wants his own child,fair enough but you have a lot more to lose than him. The age gap would be a problem for me as well, many women might be ok with it, but it would worry me.

MN044 · 04/02/2013 23:30

I woudl think twice tbh. About the whole thing. Being a single parent permeates everything you do. You live and breathe responsibility. He has no real idea what that is like and it will cause an issue should you move in together. How will you both feel when he wants to discipline the children, or when he wants a lie in? I made the mistake of having a child (my third) with someone who had no idea about responsibility or commitment. He left when that child was 2 months old, leaving me to pick up the pieces of not only my own life, but also of the older 2 dc who had begun to see him as a father figure. You already have 4 dc. I know myself I will never have any more, even though that breaks my heart actually. My 3 are enough and I will not have another to satisfy another mans need to belong.Especially when it'll be me bringing them up ultimately. It sounds like you don't have a relationship built on a realistic picture of day to day life. At 30 and essentially single, he should be thinking the world is his oyster. Respectfully, and as one in the same boat, I'm not sure what he will get with a woman 10 years older and with 4 dc already.

Original poster
spiritedaway · 04/02/2013 23:32

And thanks Kiwi. . i have thought of the possibility of him moving to his own flat here. .i sometimes feel suck it and see may be the only way tho. it would be so hard to go from no kids and a chilled out life to 4! How could we ever predict if it would work out!?

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MN044 · 04/02/2013 23:33

Spirited, you need to stop looking for a dad for your younger 2. It's actually very sad to see you repeatedly say that that's what you're hopign for. A relationship needs to be more than that, and it needs to be about you and him. Not a desperate need to give them a dad. They have one. Tbh I'll bet you're more than enough for them. I only opened this thread as I have a son who has no contact with his dad, a 4 yo. The best I can do for him is to give him as much stability as possible. Not desperately hope for a replacement.

Original poster
spiritedaway · 04/02/2013 23:34

i agree 44. . the world is his oyster. . i should probably just let him go

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Original poster
spiritedaway · 04/02/2013 23:37

well if it was just about me and him i would be in head first. . i know it isn't. But in effect my little 2 do not have a dad and i don't think it's impossible for a non biological parent to have that bond

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Kiwiinkits · 04/02/2013 23:39

Pretty good predictors of whether it would work out:

  • he comes from a functional family unit himself (FAIL)
  • he has not demonstrated any violent, criminal or controlling behaviour (PASS)
  • he is older than 30 (PASS, just)
  • he has siblings or nephews and nieces or lots of friends with kids (?)
  • you have known him for more than two years (FAIL, but potential to pass in time)
  • he chips in with routine based 'shitwork' around the house (potential to fail, PASS at present)
  • he has some skin in the game (that is, he has demonstrated real committment by making a sacrifice of some sort) (FAIL, but potential to pass in time)

That's why I think you should wait.

Kiwiinkits · 04/02/2013 23:41

Another test:

  • he doesn't pressure you and allows you time to make big decisions (I think this is a PASS, isn't it?)
Original poster
spiritedaway · 04/02/2013 23:46

I have known him for 10 years, so Pass :)

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Kiwiinkits · 04/02/2013 23:50

Well it's starting to stack up pretty well then, eh?

If you asked your eldest "what do you think of [Gary/Fred/DP name]?" what would he say?

flow4 · 04/02/2013 23:55

Spirited, I know you feel you are up against the (biological) clock, but really, your DP is 'untested' as a dad. If I were you, I would want to see how he was as a 'resident' father to your existing children, day in day out, before I thought about planning another baby with him - because being a weekend-only dad is a very different thing, and IMO much easier.

I can provide a bit of a cautionary tale... DS1 was 3.5 when I met DS2's dad. I got pregnant after only 5 months (pill failure, and I decided not to have an abortion) so it felt too soon for him to move in. I was very cautious about moving a 'new man' into DS1's life so soon. (And I owned my own home, while he rented, so I had security and independence). So he came to our house twice a week, and it worked well. I think it felt like a little 'holiday' for all of us, each time: DS1 got an exciting new visitor, I got some help, he got a break from his normal routine... :)

Unusually, after DS2 was born, we still did not live together - and our arrangement continued to work fairly well, though other people thought it was odd. And when I went back to work p/t, he did some of the childcare, so he was at ours 3.5 days per week on average. We had different parenting styles and habits, of course, but he was pretty hands-on, looking after DS2 and doing the school run with DS1, cooking meals and doing nappies and all...

When DS2 was almost 3, we decided it was time for him to move in. Almost immediately, we both felt the strain. He had been used to going off and having child-free time in which to work quietly, and I had been used to running the house my own way! Differences began to feel bigger and more problematic - I came home from work to find he'd forgotten to feed the kids because he'd been trying to work, for instance, not once but several times. Hmm Angry

Then when DS1 hit puberty, he wasn't very good at dealing with it at all. He wasn't used to hormonal strops, and they made him angry. It started to feel like he was favouring DS2 (his blood child) over DS1. He lost his temper in a frightening way a couple of times, and wouldn't acknowledge he was in the wrong... There were other problems I won't go into here... We lasted together less than 18 months from the date he moved in. :(

Very, very sadly, after we split up, he saw less and less of DS1, though he continued to see DS2 regularly. It confirmed my fear that he didn't care for the two boys equally - and my poor DS1 became 'fatherless' again. :( :(

You might avoid all of this, of course. Your DP might rise to the challenge and be a marvellous full-time dad to all your children. I hope so. :) But the worry is, if you agree to try for a baby before he moves in, and then it doesn't work out, and he turns out to be best suited to being just a part-time dad, then you will be left in a very vulnerable position...

Original poster
spiritedaway · 04/02/2013 23:58

They think he is great and actually are so sweet thinking about me. He would feel very uncomfortable even being here if they were unhappy about it. They're not. We have fun. We have fun when he's not here too of course. He does research good stuff to do at weekends and enjoys being a kid again, as you do when you play in the snow etc with them

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flow4 · 05/02/2013 00:00

Oops, I cross-posted with about ten people there! Blush

Original poster
spiritedaway · 05/02/2013 00:01

Sad but cautionary tale Flow. . i would definitely want him to move in and try first-but because of timing i feel i should do it soon. And he feels here is home and says i am putting him in limbo

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