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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL's secret - AIBU to now keep one from her??

26 replies

Pondering123 · 04/02/2013 17:20

I'm a regular who has name changed due to the sensitive nature of this post..

MIL is a complicated character who I have grown to love. DH has a half sister who he was brought up with, MIL told me after a few drinks that the man SIL thought was her Father in fact is not, her Father is a man MIL knew when she was 19. She asked me to look this man up, I was hesitant at first due to the potential consequences but after a couple of years agreed to find him (she's not internet savvy). She didn't mention the fact he was SIL's Father again, I'm not sure she remembers telling me. I have seen a photo of him though and he is her doppelganger. The man she thinks is her Father didn't even make contact until she was 15 but from what I gather they are close now..

I found him and wrote him a personal letter explaining my MIL (who he knew 40 years ago) would like to make contact, as a friend. His wife called me, she was shocked to receive the letter but would give him my number. He called the next day to say he was also shocked and does not want contact with MIL.

MIL is eagerly waiting his response, I feel terrible adding to the amount of rejections she has received throughout her life so wonder whether it would be better to tell her I didnb't receive a reply? Would that BU?

OP posts:
DrHolmes · 04/02/2013 17:24

I think it's better to be honest in this situation. There was two ways it was going to go and unfortunately it hasn't gone the way she'd hope but i do think she should still know.

Original poster
Pondering123 · 04/02/2013 17:27

Just to add, MIL was married to the man SIL thinks is her Father at the time, hence the secret.

OP posts:
Andro · 04/02/2013 17:28

Does she remember asking you to find him (even if she hasn't mentions SIL again)?

If not, then I'd probably leave it tbh, otherwise I'd tell her the truth.

Original poster
Pondering123 · 04/02/2013 17:31

She does remember and is eagerly waiting, I was planning on just saying he didn't get in contact, I think it would really hurt her if she knew he didn't want to know. He did wish her well and asked about her but I think he would have been under pressure from his wife, understandably.

OP posts:
Softlysoftly · 04/02/2013 17:31

To be fair this man doesn't know he had a potential daughter so he rejected a friendship with a woman he used to shag not surprising!

I'd tell her and ask if she wants to tell him and SIL and presumed father the truth.

It's a bloody mess though, and I'm not sure what a biological father whose had no contact has to add at this point.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/02/2013 17:36

I think I would tell her that the couple have been in touch and they'd prefer to let things rest. A lot of water's flowed under the bridge, etc. Otherwise she might wonder and dream or convince herself, that some day he'll come looking for her.

piprabbit · 04/02/2013 17:41

Just because the man doesn't want contact with MiL doesn't mean that
a) MiL shouldn't tell SiL the truth or
b) man doens't want contact with SiL (if he knew about her and their relationship).

I think if you keep this a secret you would be stopping MiL making choices and SiL being given information she may need.

AmberSocks · 04/02/2013 17:42

so did you tell him he has a daughter or not?

Original poster
Pondering123 · 04/02/2013 17:57

No I didn't, I just let him know MIL would like to contact him. I wasn't sure about the whole thing TBH and felt I would leave that to her to tell him, I didn't think he would refuse contact. I feel bad for SIL, the man who SIL thinks is her Father, the real Father & his family, MIL and MIL's husband - who she hasn't told.

I just want to do the right thing.

OP posts:
AmberSocks · 04/02/2013 18:00

i think he needs to know about the daughter,he might want to know her.

i think your mil is really out of order for getting you involved in this btw.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/02/2013 18:01

She told you in her cups, so to speak. I don't think it's your secret to share.

Original poster
Pondering123 · 04/02/2013 18:02

It's just so complicated with so many potentially hurtful consequences.

OP posts:
feministefatale · 04/02/2013 18:03

Why would he want to be in touch with an affair he had years ago...especially now he is married?

I think I woudl say to MIL that unless she tells him the truth he may not be interested. Do you think she still has feelings for him or does she just want to let him know about his daughter?

Casmama · 04/02/2013 18:09

It is not up to you to keep this from her. IMO you are far too involved in this as it is - have you considered ow you DH and SIL would react if they found out you had knowledge of this and didn't tell them?

Original poster
Pondering123 · 04/02/2013 18:10

feministefatale - Good point, I think she does have feeling for him, I guess he's just one of those old flames she always will have some feeling for. I'm unsure her actual motives as I don't think she remembers telling me he is SIL's Father. Perhaps I should speak to her and ask her straight out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pondering123 · 04/02/2013 18:11

Casmama - DH knows, SIL doesn't but I don't feel it's my place to tell her, we aren't close and it could a lot of damage to her relationship with her mother and the man she thinks is her Father if I phoned her and told her.

OP posts:
Casmama · 04/02/2013 18:12

I think you need to remind your MIL that you know and what this man said and find out what she plans to do. Unless she is going to tell everyone then she needs to leave this alone and you need to hope it doesn't come out. What a mess!

Casmama · 04/02/2013 18:13

Sorry cross posts. I'm glad your DH knows and hope he knows you have made contact too.

Casmama · 04/02/2013 18:14

I totally agree its not your place to tell SIL.How does your DH feel about keeping it from his sister?

scarletforya · 04/02/2013 18:25

I think I'd be straight with your MIL. Tell her that SIL and her (biological) DF have a right to know the truth. You say she would be hurt by another rejection but that is nothing compared to the wrong she is doing by concealing SIL's true parentage from her.

Your MIL seems to be lost in a romantic fantasy world while completely forgetting her daughters rights. I wouldn't do any more for her, especially since you don't know her motives.

Sashapineapple · 04/02/2013 18:44

I think your SIL and her bio father have a right to know. MIL should tell them. Bio Dad might be lovely and there is no reason at all why SIL couldn't build a relationship with him, likewise she/he might not be interested but that is up to them to decide not MIL, you or your DH (I'm not saying you are trying to decide for them). MILs feelings are not number one in this, it should be about SIL and her Bio Dad and keeping this from them is cruel. I would give MIL a time limit (1 month or so) and tell her if she doesn't let SIL know (and give her Bio Dads contact details then you or DH will.

Original poster
Pondering123 · 04/02/2013 20:05

Do you think maybe I should tell her he didn't want to contact her and then ask about him being SIL's Father, or ask about him being her Father and then in a few days say he has contacted to say he's not interested in contact and then suggest she tells him the truth?

OP posts:
Casmama · 04/02/2013 20:20

I think you should avoid playing games. Tell her he doesn't want to know and then ask about being SILs father.

Original poster
Pondering123 · 04/02/2013 20:24

Casmama - You're right. I do feel that SIL and he have a right to know, it's just awful to keep something like that from someone, but it does need to be her who tells them rather than me.

OP posts:
timidviper · 04/02/2013 20:31

I think contacting him without telling him about a potential daughter is an odd way to go about things. If someone contacted us to say DH may have a child from an earlier relationship I would support him in making contact with that child. If, however, someone contacted us to say an old flame would like to see him again I would not be happy to support that.