Aibu to worry that my poor ability to make friends will affect ds's social life?

[Anothercuppatea]

Ds has just started pre school. He is very sociable and chatty. I am useless at making friends. All the other parents seem to ignore me despite me trying to look friendly and smiley. This is always the case for me somehow. I am worried that if I am not 'in' with the other mums he will miss out on invites? I overheard 2 parents discussing getting kids together for play at house. Nobody chats with me at all, nevermind inviting us for play.
Aibu?
Is it important for me to be friendly with the other mums? Or do you think he'll make his own friends in class anyway. And what the mums say to each other will be irrelevant? (hoping this is the case)

YANBU I worry the same. It has helped me that I've made sure i've gone to and if I can helped at fundraising stuff, thats been a good way to chat to other mums. good luck. I am shy too and very nervous that I don't want DS to "be like me" but it takes a lot of effort and courage on my part, its not easy.

He will make his own friends.

Some of the parents will have known each other for years already from antenatal classes or older kids. So it's easy for them

To be honest though, I think you can't be passive in expecting to make friends in these scenarios. Terrifying as it might sound you probably need to make the first move. Only if you want to. But you can't expect people to come to you if you know what I mean.

I find pretending to be confident, as well as genuinely convincing yourself there is no reason why people wouldn't want to be friends with you, is key.

Pease don't worry. I was like you....always stressed about my shyness incase it affected my DDs but I've realised that kids make their friends in the playground and classroom without their parents present.

Playdates and all that do bring some together but real friendships are formed by the kids.

Having said that, it IS important for you to try...so that you get some support. I am SO shy it was massive effort when my DD began preschool and for literally a whole year, I felt like I was on the outside looking in.

What I did was volunteer to help whenever they needed someone....so if they have a fete or something, sign up t serve tea....it's a way of sharing experience with other Mums and often the ones who volunteer are also friendly.

Try to say hi to someone...a good way into a conversation is to ask a question related to an upcoming event at preschool "Oh hi...did you get that letter about dressing up on Friday? What are you sending yours as?"

That kind of thing....or simply "Hi...Tommy's mentioned Josh a lot...he really likes playing with him"

Parents LOVE it when you tell them their child is liked.

But above all please don't worry. Youre not the only one....playdates do get arranged but if you try to chat, you'll be able to ask someone for tea or a play aswell.

I never worried at pre-school about mixing with the other parents - I still had my friend from baby group and pre-school is so different to proper school as the kids that went to preschool when DS was there were going off to all different primary schools.

With primary school I found that in reception it was one big scrum to befriend other mums, get your kids in there with play dates etc etc and yes, definately the kids whose mums worked and were never seen in the play ground did not get as involved as say the kids whose mums were about. Very wrong but unfortunately that seemed to be the way it was. I would say for sure that the friendships forged in reception year were more of the mums' choosing than the childrens.

By year 1 it was all a bit more relaxed and the children seemed to take over deciding who they wanted to be friends with.

So I would say that yes, by you not mixing well, it will certainly have an impact on your DS making friends . Can you find out the children he likes - maybe leave a little note in his school bag to be passed onto the mum asking if you can arrange a play date and leaving your number?

I had to really eeek my way in with the people when DS started school. Most of the mums knew eachother from play school but my DS went to a different one and we didn't know anyone at all. I gradually forced my way in (they were clicky, it took effort) as I didn't want my DS to be alientated.

Can you get yourself out there just a bit?? For your DS?? I know it is wrong but definately where we are if the mums aren't around the kids seem to be invisible.

Firstly, it's pre-school so don't panic! Your DS has a LONG school life ahead and once he is settled into his primary school and makes some friends, the social stuff will follow.

DS1 just started pre-school in Sept too. At first all the parents were a bit quiet and I think you do need to be willing to make the first move sometimes. I found that when two of the kids were playing together or chatting, that was always a good opener to chat with the parent. I slowly got to know two other parents, one where her daughter and my DS are good friends and another where our kids don't really play together but we get on really well. We all started meeting once a week before school for coffee and it's nice. We always tell other parents that we will be there on that day so they can come along too if they want to but nobody has yet. DS1 was also recently invited to a party by one of the other girls so we met a few other parents that way too.

You probably aren't the only one waiting for someone to talk to you. Just strike up a chat and see what happens!

Ok thanks. I was hoping you were going to say the mums friendships are irrelevant and the kids chose who they want to be friends with. But sounds like I will have to keep smiling and trying to be friendly! Thanks for the advice. At least ds is friendly so if he makes friends first I can speak to the mum after.

Another - the mums friendships are irrelevant after a while but for reception year it def has a big impact I would say.

Don't worry too much at preschool though but do make an effort when he goes onto reception.

I think this varies from schools tbh. My friendships in the playground make no difference to DD's friendships - she is in Reception. There isn't a big culture of playdates at our school either. So don't necessarily panic!

I found that even at preschool my children made their own friends. I was often approached by other mothers, who told me that my child was frequently mentioned and would we therefore like to come on a play date?
In fact, in pre-school, DS would invite people round off his own bat and both sets of parents would have to catch up and get to know each other!
I didn't go out looking for it, but I've made at least three really good friends on the back of friendships between our children.
I'm sure something similar will happen for you. Meanwhile, why don't you do what some of the others have suggested and contact the mothers of children your child likes? You don't have to think of making lifelong friends yourself -- it's just organising a playdate. But you never know what might come of it.

I think it's a bit of both. The DC do lead, but if you look approachable, maybe make a few comments on the weather, say good morning, it helps.

Dont worry! I never mixed with the other mums as I always worked so never did the pick ups (after school care). My son is now 18 and has loads of friends and is very popular. Once they get to Secondary school they make their own friends.

I never mixed either as I was always working. I was the first to drop off and the last to pick up.

DDs are now teens and have tons of friends, it has never been a problem. At least I didn't force them to be friends with people they didn't like just because I was friends with the parent.

I can understand your worry. My parents really didn't socialise much and when they did it wasn't with the parents of my school friends. As a child this bothered me. I now live somewhere where I don't really know many people but have started to make friends with one other mother whose DS sits next to mine. They also went to the same preschool but we spent last year smiling and saying hello and only exchanged nos at the end. Just recently got to stage of offering to mind each other's DSs and call round but as of yet haven't actually met anywhere except at schoolgate. What I'm saying long windedly is that friendships form slowly! DCs make their own friends eventually.
My DS has only recently talked about having people over to play and he is nearly 5. I really wouldn't worry at the preschool age. Maybe ask people what primary they are sending their DCs to and swap nos with some of those that will be going to the same school with a view to meeting up during the summer hols. My sister has found she usually gets on well with the parents of children her DCs have made friends with.