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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder whether parental burn out might exist

32 replies

Mam23 · 04/02/2013 08:41

I love my kids to bits but lately I find myself being short and irritable and wishing for a weekend away with DH - just the two of us. We work well as a team but lately family time seems stressful and work is stressful and weekends and holidays don't really seem like a 'break' as such because there's always a child needing something or wanting to play something or a squabble to deal with or a meal to arrange and it's not that I don't generally enjoy those things, I do, but AIBU to think that just once, for 24 or 36 hours it would be nice to not have to think about them and just chill with my hubby?

OP posts:
justaboutchilledout · 04/02/2013 08:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Branleuse · 04/02/2013 08:47

definitely. i think a lot of marriages would be saved if parents could get a weekend off now and again to reconnect and recharge

Original poster
Mam23 · 04/02/2013 18:32

Who do people ask though? We have one set of family all overseas and just grandparents on the other side who always seem reluctant. Do people ask friends who have kids themselves??

OP posts:
YouOldSlag · 04/02/2013 19:03

OP I completely understand what you mean. I just had a weekend like this.

Put it this way, if this was a job and you never got any days off in 365 days of the year, your employer would be sued.

An adult break is not selfish, it's essential maintenance. I think burn out does exist. For a good few hours this weekend I went to bed just so I wouldn't have to look at my children (don't worry DH took over). I love them more than my own life, but for a few hours, I couldn't even look at them. I had given them everything I'd got and I had nothing left. I had a good cry and a breather.

Why not ask friends with kids if they can have your kids overnight in return for you doing the same? That way you won't feel guilty as you'll know you can return the favour. Get thee to a hotel and read a trashy book with your feet up.

Original poster
Mam23 · 04/02/2013 19:14

Thank you! That's kind of how I feel. We've had just one night away in nearly 8 years (ILs had kids when we went to a wedding) which was 4 years ago now. We seem to be a bit unusual amongst our friends in that they all seem to have siblings or parents who regularly watch their kids but I suppose they might still be up for a swap?

OP posts:
StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 04/02/2013 19:25

I sympathise op, we lived no where near family when we had small kids, no friends with kids so it wasn't until they went to school and made friends who we dared to ask that we got even a night out alone PIL moved nearer us but would only have one at a time helpful so it was years before we got time away now they are older we do it regular and oh boy is it lovely. all I can say is hang in there it will get easier eventually.

TomDudgeon · 04/02/2013 19:27

I would happily have a friends kids if they needed a break before burning out

ssd · 04/02/2013 19:32

am the queen of burn out

we have no one to take the kids and have never had anyone

friends took them twice, thats twice in 14 years!!! and it was for one night only

am heart sick of people with inlaws/family who regularly get a break from their kids...then moan to me if they have to look after them themselves for a whole weekend

its a wonder I'm not in a straight jacket

funkybuddah · 04/02/2013 20:11

I go away for at least 1 weekend a year...its not with DP though but I love having a girly weekend, its the best thing.

smellsofsick · 04/02/2013 20:13

Absolutely and I don't think I'm a million miles off it.

Meglet · 04/02/2013 20:15

It probably does exist. I get to go to the gym and work, but the rest of the time I'm on duty. Every weekend. every night and every morning.

I'm counting the years until they can make their own breakfast. Some mornings I am beyond caring. I'm fed up with bedtimes too.

calandarbear · 04/02/2013 20:21

Not unreasonable but if you did have that 24/36 hours away would you chill?
My kids go to my parents sometimes on a saturday or sunday but after a couple of hours we are always dying to get them back. I imagine if we sent them overnight we would both just be talking about them and what we thought they were doing. That said they both go to bed at 7 so we have plenty of couple time in the evenings, so maybe that makes a difference. The children are 6 and 3.

MogTheForgetfulCat · 04/02/2013 20:24

I've been feeling a bit like this lately Sad. I put it down partly to winter (not keen generally, and it's flippin' hard work with small kids who can't yet go to the cinema, reliably entertain themselves etc., and the weather - rain- makes it so depressing. And muddy.) and partly to DS3 having hit that grumpy toddler phase (he is nearly 2) - he is marching around the place, glowering, chucking stuff about, launching himself on his older brothers like a tiger and being a pain.

Also, we've all been ill, on and off, since Christmas, so my plan to spring, phoenix-like and purged into 2013 has been stalled, somewhat. Sigh.

YANBU to want a bit of time to yourself and DH, and to be finding it a bit of a grind!

JackieandJudy · 04/02/2013 20:30

Yes I'm sure it exists, and I'm equally sure a lot of us have experienced it, despite loving our children desperately.

I well remember one fateful teatime when all four of them were playing up so badly I reached the end of my tether and left home. Admittedly only for a few hours, but if I could have thought of anywhere other than Budgen's carpark to go to, I might have stayed away longer! They were suitably subdued when I returned for, ooh, it must have been at least two hours!

It does get better though (in some ways) if you can just see it through. And do ask your friends if they would help out - I would willingly help any friends who asked.

takeaway2 · 04/02/2013 21:17

We are the same. DS is 5 (nearly in a couple of weeks) and we've not had a single day away from him or his younger sister (who's 2.5). I am however going away for a Girly weekend in march and I can't wait.. And then a few days in may for work. Grin I can't wait to starfish in the bed, eat in peace, talk in peace with work stuff, and have a nice dinner that's not spaghetti or chips (slightly exaggerated but you get what I mean...).

Original poster
Mam23 · 04/02/2013 22:08

Thanks for all the feedback. It's nice in some ways to feel I'm not alone, though I do feel really sad there are so many onus feeling under so muh pressure too :(

ssd 14 years with only two nights away - wow :( I hope you can find some way to get a break together.

calandarbear I think we would relax. We are literally very isolated in our parenting day to day with literally no respite. I think we'd probably miss the kids and be anxious about whether they were doing ok but I think we both recognise that we are almost spent and certainly the more I think about it, the more I think this is actually going to be positive for the whole family, not just DH and I but the DCs too and the our family atmosphere.

Thanks to those posters who said they'd have their friends' children to avoid a burnout. That does give me the confidence to seriously think about asking (natural reluctance to put people out!!)

And for the girlie weekend/overnight suggestions too. That's a really nice idea and maybe easier in practical terms though I do also feel it's important for DH and I to get away together too.

Lots of food for thought but had made me determined to work out a way for us to get a break one way or another this year. 2013 is THE year :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Mam23 · 04/02/2013 22:10

(Sorry for the typos, on the phone!)

OP posts:
troublegum · 04/02/2013 22:22

F

ssd · 05/02/2013 10:02

I'd glad help anyone out, too. My trouble is I'm hopeless at asking for help, I feel I'm really putting on people. But I think when you're not used to help it becomes something you hate having to ask for. You sort of get used to always having the kids and never having anyone take them and its just life.

BlueberryHill · 05/02/2013 10:11

You aren't alone, I feel that I have burn out, I would just like not to have one or other of the kids not shouting "Mum" every five minutes.

The thing that is pissing me off at the moment is that my ILs come to visit us (they are lovely) but they keep bringing our nephew to play with his cousins. It is hard to explain but him coming causes DH and I more work, even though the ILs do help out. I'm annoyed as DS is 6 and we have DTs who are 2 yo so we don't stop. My SIL has one child, gets help from the ILs on a regular basis, pick ups after school, help in the holidays, nights out and the times that they bring their child over to see us. The ILs just don't get it, we said no last time and will continue to do so but I find it frustrating that they don't see it as extra for us. (My MIL did give us a lot of help when the twins were young and is lovely, I don't begrudge my SIL having help, I just don't want to look after her son as well as my own children)

aldiwhore · 05/02/2013 10:13

I have been feeling like this lately, my children were just adding to my perma-stress headache.

It was a viscious circle. I was actually being very unreasonable.

I feel I broke the cycle yesterday by dancing around the kitchen with the children to ACDC, playing tag with them, cuddling them.... screwing everything else, stopping and being present. It was the LAST thing I wanted to do, but it was a tonic. I put on hold everything that wasn't related to them, the house is a mess, I haven't read the papers I need to for work, I didn't lovingly cook dinner, we had beans on toast.

I've been more productive today than I have been in a long time. I'm not out of the woods yet, I still feel exhausted and crappy, but I'm not taking it out on the children.

I have no one who will take the children overnight, no babysitter (can't actually afford to go out this month anyway) so I guess my choice was one of a) carry on in the negative cycle or b) refuse it. I've been on a walk this morning, a fast one, and sat on a rock for 1/2 an hour just thinking. That has also helped a lot.

Good luck with finding balance OP, you are not alone... x

ssd · 05/02/2013 10:21

blueberry, get the inlaws to take your kids over to spend sometime with SIL, to give you a break (you are a saint for not grudging her all the help she gets when you get none.)

BlueberryHill · 05/02/2013 10:29

Aldiwhore, that is a great idea, you are right.

ssd, thanks, I wouldn't say I was a saint though. I would love to see my BIL face if he had to look after four, he finds one hard enough.

NomNomDePlumPudding · 05/02/2013 12:11

i think i have this. dd1 is slouched on the couch watching tv, she has a chest infection and no energy but i feel utterly guilty about the tv anyway. dd2 has gone for a nap but i imagine she will wake up vomiting before long - she has a very snotty cold and keeps gagging on the mucus. three bed changes last night, propping her up no help, she just wiggles down. both running temperatures intermittently, clingy and crying. i need a fucking drink, but instead i have to do a lot of laundry.

poor me. poor them.

NomNomDePlumPudding · 05/02/2013 12:13

(not that i would otherwise be cracking open the vino at this hour, you understand)