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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect her to visit me in hospital

24 replies

jellybeannie · 03/02/2013 20:21

I was taken into hospital - semi serious reason (ambulance, blue lights etc) 10 days ago. I do occasionally go into hospital for a week or two for a different serious health complication. My friend who I've known 14 years and who I consider to be my closest friend knows what happened to me. We texted 8 days ago, but since then there has been no other contact. She has visited me a few times on previous admissions in a different hospital but only because we had arranged to have a day out together previous to me being admitted. AIBU for thinking it would be nice of her to visit (I'm only 20 min drive from her at the moment) or at least expect some kind of 'how are you feeling?' text. I could be dead by now and she wouldn't have a clue!

OP posts:

Panzee · 03/02/2013 20:24

Sorry to hear you're in hospital. :( Why not just ask her to come? Tell her you're bored. Hope you're not feeling too awful.

Cailinsalach · 03/02/2013 20:24

Maybe she isn't the friend you thought she was. Don't waste your energy on this friendship.
Hope your health improves.

Iamstressed · 03/02/2013 20:25

You could always ring / text her to see if she is ok. Something may have happened which you don't know about.

ceebie · 03/02/2013 20:26

YANBU for thinking it would be nice for her to text/visit, but I'm sorry I think YABU for expecting her to text/visit. Sorry hun, friends are sometimes rubbish at keeping in touch just at the moments you need them... but you really can't hold it against them I'm afraid.

HecateWhoopass · 03/02/2013 20:27

If she's normally a good friend is it not more likely that something has happened in her life that has taken priority, rather than she's just suddenly decided to not bother with you?

Or do you know that she's ok and nothing has happened that means she's not able to text you or anything?

SirBoobAlot · 03/02/2013 20:29

Hope you feel better soon. And no, that's not unreasonable to expect her to ask how you are :( Though FWIW some of my friends were amazing for the first hospital admittance, supportive for the few after that, and then kind of got bored, with an obvious "She's in hospital AGAIN!" feeling towards things. It wasn't that they didn't care, exactly, just that it was exhausting for them. Which, although it upset me, I could understand with reflection.

If you're feeling bored and lonely, I'm sure there are some MNers near by who would visit with cake :)

Bejeena · 03/02/2013 20:29

You sure nothing has happened to her?

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 03/02/2013 20:29

Someone I know fell out with me because I didn't visit her in hospital. In actual fact (and I feel awful for saying this) I also had no contact because I knew she would ask me to visit, The last time I was there was when my daughter died and I couldn't go back and I couldn't admit why at that point either. Is there any similar reason for your friend?

I am sorry to hear you are poorly, get well soon

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 03/02/2013 20:30

Maybe something has happened in her life that prevents her visiting you? Have you contacted her in the last 8 days?

Original poster

jellybeannie · 03/02/2013 20:37

She has never really been great at keeping in touch when I'm ill and it has always bothered me a bit. She is always busy with work/social life/looking for a man! But this time it was something really serious and she knows that I'm already facing tough battle against this other condition.

I have had visits from other friends who came the day after I was admitted. I don't know them that well. I've even been visited by a complete stranger - one of my husband's customers who found out what happened to me. It's just making me think that maybe this friendship is not what I thought. On the other hand I have been so emotional the last few days that I don't really trust my feelings.

OP posts:

PoppyWearer · 03/02/2013 20:43

A friend was once in hospital because of a miscarriage (I didn't visit) and when we saw each other she said how hurt she had been by me not seeming to care.

The thing was that my beloved grandmother had died the same day and I had gone to be with my parents. When I got her message, I was at the other end of the country and unable to do anything for her.

Unfortunately my friend was understandably upset about her miscarriage and still held a grudge. Our friendship died a little bit that day.

There could well be another explanation, OP.

PhilMcAverty · 03/02/2013 20:46

Neither of my closest friends visited when I was in hospital, but I didn't ask them to.

Did you ask her if she could come and visit? Some people do need to be asked before they think to do it.

CloudsAndTrees · 03/02/2013 20:50

Some people just really don't like hospitals, I wouldn't dismiss your whole friendship because of this. Especially if she's got form for being a it crap when you are ill. It could be that illness and hospitals make her really uncomfortable. Anxiety surrounding these things is not uncommon.

Are you absolutely 100% sure that she doesn't have anything going on in her life that might make visiting difficult?

Original poster

jellybeannie · 03/02/2013 20:52

To be fair, no I haven't asked her to come. I don't want to force or embarass her into it. If it was the other way round I would be there like a shot. If I was too busy then I would definately text to see how she was. Surely that's what friends do??!! Nothing has happened to her judging by her facebook updates.

OP posts:

CloudsAndTrees · 03/02/2013 20:58

Maybe there's the problem in your last post. You are judging her by what you would do, not by what she would do.

Tbh, if one of my bets friends was in hospital, I'd visit, or text to stay in touch if I couldn't visit, and I think most people would. But I would dread it because i don't like hospitals, they have been the scene for too many horrible things so I would have to build myself up for it.

How much contact do you have with this friend when you are well?

blondefriend · 03/02/2013 21:03

I've lost two of my closest friends over something similar to this. My ds was very poorly after birth (in GOSH for 3 months) and had ongoing illnesses and hospital stays for 2 years. I tried to just "get through it". I would let them know I was in hospital but not ask them to visit and they never offered. In the end they didn't realise what was actually going on with him health-wise and it came to a head when they reported me to SS for "making up his illnesses". If we had been more honest with each other from the start and I had been honest about how ill he actually was then it would have been avoided.

Basically, I've been there. But if I went back I would act differently and ask them to visit rather than just dwell on why they didn't seem to care. Just because DS was less poorly than he was originally didn't mean I didn't need the support of my friends. I wish I had just asked.

Original poster

jellybeannie · 03/02/2013 21:05

Maybe she does have some kind of fear of hospitals I don't know of. She has never lost anyone close to her, so no bad hospital experiences.

We have drifted a bit since I had DD a few years ago, she is still single so we have slightly different interests now. But we are still in contact every week or two by text and she will take a day off from work every 6 weeks for us to have a day out together. We chat and pour our hearts out over everything in our lives.

OP posts:

SilverClementine · 03/02/2013 21:12

At the risk of getting flamed for this...

I have a very good friend with mental & physical health problems. When he is ill he is quite demanding, not in an obvious way but sometimes I do feel manipulated. I do visit, but sometimes I think I am enabling him and his attention seeking. It's exhausting.

Perhaps your friend is exhausted, or simply doesn't know you're in still. Just text her saying hi and how bored you are, take it from there?

I hope you feel better soon x

SilverClementine · 03/02/2013 21:16

Sorry, reading it back my post looks insensitive, it wasn't meant to me. I was just trying to give the perspective of a friend whose friend is in hospital. I wasn't trying to imply you were being manipulative. Apologies again x

PleasePudding · 03/02/2013 21:23

I don't think YABU but often when I think my friends are unwell
I don't text or ask to visit in case it's just putting pressure on them to feel they have to reply or be cheerful at a visit.

From now on though I will definitely text as a text can be ignored if someone is too ill to respond.

I thought I would post though, in case your friend is like me, in which case she will be thinking of you lots but waiting for you to say you have enough strength to have visitors/phone calls.

Original poster

jellybeannie · 03/02/2013 21:28

I just wanted to say thanks to all of you for taking the time out to reply. I might just text her like a few people on here have suggested and see what kind of a reply, if any, I get.

OP posts:

SirIronBottom · 03/02/2013 21:29

Hang on, she doesn't come and visit and there are people saying 'don't waste your energy on this friendship'? Fucking hell. There could be a good explanation.

For example, my DW is preggo and her best mate was in hospital. She was going to go visit him but then found out he had MRSA, so held off to protect the baby.

Pigsmummy · 04/02/2013 13:03

Just drop her a text asking how she is? When she replies mention that you are bored and would like some company for an hour? Not demanding or aggressive. There are loads of bugs around at the mo, she may have been laid up herself, if she is ill ask her to stay away though, (as much as you want to see her) as bringing germs into hospital isn't a good thing. If she doesn't visit without a reason then question the friendship but I am with SirIronBottom in that you should give her a chance.

Baffledandbewildered · 04/02/2013 15:21

Last year I spent a couple of weeks in intensive care and then time ona normal ward. My friends were great and visited as were my dad and brother who visited from the other end of the country BUT my mum didn't fancy the journey and stayed home to look after the dog !!!!!! ( we have kennels so dog staying at mine no problem ) to say I was a bit put out is vastly under stating :(

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