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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think mother in law should be more helpful?

83 replies

soverytiredofthis · 03/02/2013 16:43

We asked MIL and FIL to babysit our DD (who is epileptic) for 1 evening this month.

Immediately after DH asked she started to say ONLY if we were back by 12pm that night, no later as they do not like to be out late. She kept repeating this over and over and so my DH left it that she would.

Whilst I listened to this conversation I got more and more mad. This is the SECOND time in 3 1/2 years we have asked them to babysit and the first time she babysat she complained non stop before we got out the door. I almost sent them home.

My annoyance lies with the fact that they have 2 DD with epilepsy and know first hand how hard it is and how hard it is to get someone to babysit.

Am I being a beacth for still being pissed and not wanting to see them anytime soon??

OP posts:
Original poster
soverytiredofthis · 03/02/2013 18:11

Thanks fuckadoodlepoopoo! I certainly don't feel entitled to have her babysit for free and don't think for one second that she is under any obligation to do so. This is why we ASKED them very politely to do so.

The instant DH ASKED he was met with moaning and told only if we were back by midnight. The family dinner started at 8 and was a very special occasion. We had no control over how quickly the dinner would be served etc.

We asked them because DH thought that after 2 years (after first time) they may be ok to do so.

Our DD is disabled and they have disabled older DD and so they know that we never go out.

We trust them and know that they love our DD so did not see a problem asking them.

Will not be asking them again though.

OP posts:
alarkthatcouldpray · 03/02/2013 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 03/02/2013 18:30

The complaining-is she generally like that?

If so, I would have paid no heed.

At the end of the day, you asked them to babysit & they did.

Albeit with complainíng (not reasonable) & wanting you home by midnight (reasonable imo)

Perhaps she needs to say no if she doesn´t want to though!

Or maybe your husband needs to say "no it´s OK then" if she starts to moan?

And I agree that babysitting is tedious-perhaps more so for GPs if the child is in bed & they aren´t even getting to spend time with them!

myBOYSareBONKERS · 03/02/2013 18:31

What area of the country are you because in my area they have a Specialist babysitting service that is run by registered childminders who are trained in caring for those with extra needs

EndoplasmicReticulum · 03/02/2013 18:33

I sometimes ask my parents to babysit but I would certainly aim to be back by midnight (usually we're home by 11) because I know that's way past their bedtime.

CatsRule · 03/02/2013 18:40

DontEvenThinkAboutIt that's a good idea to offer gardening or decorating in return...but....who will the op ask to babysit her dd while she does this Grin

I'm not suggesting that gps babysit for free but the op clearly doesn't go out every second weekend and doesn't ask for babysitting often.

I have only left my ds to go to work (nursery and my mum...who offered) I wouldn't leave him except for work unless, like the op, it was for a one off special occassion.

frustratedworkingmum · 03/02/2013 18:42

where were you going that you'd be back after midnight anyway? perfectly reasonable if you ask me

Yfronts · 03/02/2013 18:43

I couldn't babysit past midnight. Far too late. Could you let them sleep over?

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 03/02/2013 18:46

It must be so hard having a disabled child with no one happy to help you. Sad

Frustrated. Op has answered that.

Sirzy · 03/02/2013 18:50

The instant DH ASKED he was met with moaning and told only if we were back by midnight

Other than asking that you were back by midnight what else did they moan about?

rainrainandmorerain · 03/02/2013 18:50

I think the posters talking about how sad it is parents in law don't want to spend time with gc are missing something - how much time would they get with gc between 8pm and midnight?

Not much, surely. It's not like taking them on a day out. The benefit is all to the gc's parents, not to the grandparents.

tootiredtothink · 03/02/2013 19:08

YABU and of course you can ensure you're back by midnight who ever you're out with!

And now you'll never ask her to babysit again?? Another YABU for that too.

alarkthatcouldpray · 03/02/2013 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bootsycollins · 03/02/2013 19:25

Soverytired I'm not the gambling type but I would bet £20 that your il's don't take your dd on days out, I bet they only see her when you visit their house, am I right?

rainrainandmorerain · 03/02/2013 19:29

I agree, alark. But they are still doing the parents a favour, not the other way round.

I am curious about the regular (every Sunday) babysitting of the other grandchildren that goes on.

Why the regular arrangements for them and not for this gc? Is it just pure favouritism? Or have the other family worked out a time/pattern that suits the grandparents.

My inlaws cannot do what I would love them to do (no evenings babysitting at all due to driving issues...) - but they will take them for day visits. As this is all that is on offer, this is what we accept.

namchan · 03/02/2013 19:37

Yanbu. I find it weird that gp's cant be arsed to babysit for a night, which I know is not the popular opinion on mn. After midnight, once in a blue moon, is not really a big deal. We havent been out in 2 years, my parents live in the next road and inlaws live 20 mins drive away. Tbh, having clear memories of spending entire weekends with my grandparents when we were kids, I cant understand the hypocrisy but you know, you reap what you sow and all that Smile

TCOB · 03/02/2013 19:38

YANBU. I get so bored when the stock responses of 'they're your children/ they don't have to/ you should have thought about this before/ they have their own lives' come out. Of course they don't have to, of course they have their own lives. None of us 'have' to do lots of the things we do for and with the people we love. We do it for precisely that reason - we love them. FFS. I don't know what's happened to the whole concept of families. Yet so many of these GPs (who had shit loads of help from their own parents - and often the mothers didn't go to work at all) play the same old card of not wanting to pass on the favour. They'll still expect you to drop everything for them as soon as they are old and helpless at the expense of your own family.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 03/02/2013 19:47

TCOB - hear hear!! am I am lucky enough to have GP who do want to help but unfortunately distance stops that Sad

rainrainandmorerain · 03/02/2013 19:48

And will you be looking after your inlaws/parents when they are old and helpless because you love them, TCOB?

Or because they've racked up enough 'care credits' with babysitting?

TCOB · 03/02/2013 19:50

boys Smile. Threads like these make me really cherish my lot (in-laws and my DM and DF). They're all miles away but we get 3-4 nights out a year between them. And no GP on the planet has a busier, cooler life than my DMiL, who sets her boundaries, has never been taken for granted or had the piss taken out of her by us - says no when she means it - and also keeps a husband 20 years her junior on his toes.

TCOB · 03/02/2013 19:52

rain - as I say - I think family counts for a lot. And no, I think if a member of your family hasn't helped you out in the difficult times, it does make me think twice about going the extra mile for them.

What a funny question! For me, love is a reason for doing things, yes.

rainrainandmorerain · 03/02/2013 19:54

(I would love to know more about why some gps don't babysit more. I know my mil has said 'no' to a couple of requests from one of her other sons because the family expect her to drop everything at short notice, never get in touch apart from when they need a favour, and generally take the piss a bit. It works both ways, you know. And I say that as someone whose mother is too erratic to do childcare in the way I would have liked. I don't feel it's all a case of 'take what you're given and be grateful, even if it isn't particularly helpful....' - but you can only work with what people will offer or agree to, for their own reasons. That's just life)

elizaregina · 03/02/2013 19:55

hear hear too TCOB.

There are some selfish people out there!
once in a blue moon is absoluty NOT selfish and all the rest.

Shame!

namchan · 03/02/2013 20:01

I genuinely think that some people have very short memories. I can remember spending an entire 6 week summer hols at my grandparents. Yet I have always been told by my mum not to expect her to babysit. It was always made quite clear that I couldnt just rely on that. However because I love my daughter totally, I would do anything to help her; even up to, and including, watching her children so she could have a night out and relax! Amazing!

rainrainandmorerain · 03/02/2013 20:02

I think some people are forgetting that their parents raised and cared for them. For quite a few years.

Of course is is lovely if gps are able and willing to help out with babysitting. But I don't know that if they aren't, it cancels out all the love and care they gave us when we were small. Or means they have disqualified themselves from any care we might give them as they get more elderly and infirm.