New baby.....chicken pox...... birthday party....aargh

[shinyblackgrape]

Right - I'll try and make this as short as possible.

I have a 9 week old DS. I live down south with DH. My family live in Scotland. My cousin lives near my sister. She has 2 children (aged nearly 2and 4). My sister has one child who is 1. My DS is my first child.

I am meant to be going to Scotland next week for nearly a week to let the extended family meet DS. This includes cousin and her mum (my mum's sister). we were meant to be staying for part of the week with my DSis and she was having a little party to introduce DS to the family. Unfortunately, her DS is at nursery where there has been an outbreak of chicken pox. He is still within the incubation period so we have decided that we can't stay there in case my DS gets it as he is so little and doc has advised if he did get it there would be an increased risk of childhood shingles at a later stage.

That being the case, party is to be moved to my mum's house. We have now received an email from my cousin saying that unfortunately she can't come Reasons excuses include her eldest son has a party on the morning of the day (our party is afternoon) when her youngest son has a sleep so both she and her husband need to be there.

Both my DH and I have always tried to go to her children's birthdays etc. we've missed adult parties for significant birthdays etc to travel up to Scotland for her DS' events. There is also a very long history of our family rearranging things and eating meals at weird times to fit in round her children's sleeps/routines which cannot be deviated from for one minute (even the one who is nearly 4) for anyone elses' convenience. Further, her husband is playing golf the next day and that can't be rearranged.

It might just be hormones - but I'm really hurt about this. I would think that when my DS is 3ish and going to one of his many birthday parties, I might just cancel it to allow him to meet his new cousin. We have always been very close and really she has been more of a sister than a cousin.

My mum has suggested that I come up another time as she doesn't work on a Monday and see her then etc but I'm actually thinking that I should just stop bothering. I said to my mum that I didn't think that we should bother coming up now as it's all turned in to a bit of a damp squib.

I feel a bit bad as my mum Had tests for cancer last week, thankfully all clear, and has been saying that me commenting complaining about this is very upsetting for her etc etc. I know it will be and I do feel bad, but this has traditionally been used to stop any complaining by either me or my sister in the past and my Dad will jump straight to her defence on it too and make us feel doubly bad!

I guess I'll just go up (a four hour drive each way) as I do ant to see my mum and dad and they are tremendously supportive but AIBU to feel this way? And AIBU to actually stop making an effort with my cousin's children or should I just accept that some family members are like this with their preciousDCs abpnd that to keep the peace, me and my DS will just have to take second place?

Sorry.....that was very long and ranty

Hmmm...It sounds like hormones tbh, unless there is more of a history to it, which you do allude to.

It sounds to ke like everyone is being v.sensible to make sure your new DS avoids anyone who may be incubating chicken pox, and maybe your cousin feels bad about this. As for her not coming, well that could be part of it. Has she skyped to say hi/see your DS? My cousins lice hours away but we try and Skype every few months and keep in touch thru fb. Recently, I had to cancel going to a family do with all cousins and their new babies because of a family crisis with MIL. I have apologised and emailed and would be gutted if they judged me about it as it was out of my control.

I'd go, see your ma who sounds like she'd love to see you and arrange to Skype your cousin instead. If you still feel aggrieved, don't stoop to her level.

Congrats on your new DS!

Thank you! It's my DSis' son who has been exposed to chicken pox not my cousin's.

She can't make it as one of her DS is going to a birthday party and there is some issue with the other DS' sleep which I can't quite work out but from paste patience these cant be deviated from by a nano second so sure that's the issue

I Do FaceTime with my DSis and her DH and little boy. Never done it with my cousin as not sure it would be possible to fit it in round the sleeps and parties and millions of other more important things. Her email suggest meeting up when it's warmer so presume that's and summer when DS will be about 6 months. It's the kind of sign off non-committal sign off I'd use for some random that I wasn't articulately bothered about seeing again

Ok not really getting why she can't come in the afternoon, party will be finished? The thing about sleep seems precious but then you never know how things are for her. I have spent 8 months now with ds2 without more than 3 hours sleep in a row. If he misses daytime naps I really can't cope with another night - maybe something similar with her? (Giving benefit of doubt here). I'd never be too dismissive of how other people are with their kids, you don't know what you're going to be like yet!
I hate Skype, would rather email, don't think fair to judge someone on whether they skype or not. It is very disappointing for you regarding the chickenpox, but really very lucky you found out in time.

It sounds like the absolute priority for your cousin is her kid's sleep issues, which isn't unjustified if they really are that bad. If that's the case, then perhaps that's why she wants to wait a few months before making new arrangements - maybe the sleep issues will have calmed down by then.

YANBU to feel hurt, but realistically all this is is a complicated logistical problem, and probably nothing personal.

I will admit to giving up on the OP a bit as too much going on but I do think you sound a bit ridiculous to go on about how you have to avoid someone who may have been exposed to chicken pox but then say other people are being precious about their child's sleep. Her sleep is your chicken pox. It is your family. They aren't all desperately running after you. That is life!