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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be very hurt and upset or do you think the same?

67 replies

sj2008 · 02/02/2013 22:26

I suppose this may be better suited to the mental health board but I'd like a broader perspective...I am currently 27 weeks pregnant with my second child. I have fairly severe mental health problems with a diagnosis of bipolar and a personality disorder, I have had many admissions to a psychiatric hospital over the last 8 years. My husband and I have always wanted a big family but put off a second child until I managed 12 months in full time employment and to come off all medication. Fortunately I achieved that level of stability and so far have been healthy in pregnancy.

However, a friend of mine on hearing our news told me she was disgusted that we would consider having more children as she thinks I am not fit to be a mother. She said as there is a chance I will leave now two children motherless it is utterly selfish.

I am totally gutted by this. Although I am close to this lady, she never sees me with my son. I have done countless things to be ashamed of when ill but am so proud of my son and how we parent him. He is happy, healthy and loved and has all the opportunities in our power to provide. He also is now lucky enough to have a sibling on the way and I know he will be a wonderful brother. Aibu to be upset by my friend's views or are there many out there who would write me off as a mum because of my diagnosis and behaviour when ill? X

OP posts:
MyCannyBairn · 02/02/2013 22:32

Your friend is not your friend.

AgentZigzag · 02/02/2013 22:32

She's no friend of yours.

There are tons of parents who bring up happy, healthy, successful children, laughing in the face of their mental health problems.

You've learned to live and cope with yours.

Fuck the friend off, and congratulations on your not far off DC2 Smile

manicbmc · 02/02/2013 22:34

Get a new friend.

You have done brilliantly. I know plenty of people in the same boat as you who are bloody excellent parents and I wish I was half as good as they are.

Good luck with your new addition, hope the weeks fly by. Smile

JamesBexleySpeed · 02/02/2013 22:35

I'm not an expert, and I think you probably shouldn't have posted on AIBU, but she isn't your friend, sorry. That is sheer nastyness.
It sounds like you are doing wonderfully. You should distance yourself from her straight away, you don't need that sort of friend.

auntmargaret · 02/02/2013 22:35

Gosh, your "friend" sounds nasty. You sound like you're doing really well. Congratulations on your pregnancy, keep doing what you're doing, and being a good mum. How do you know her? Is it possible she has any MH issues? I'd steer clear of her for a while ( or maybe longer,tbh) You need to be with positive people at the moment.

Clandy · 02/02/2013 22:36

This has made me so cross on your behalf! Sounds like you have been very sensible about making the choice for dc2! Congratulations I'm sure you will be just as proud of how you parent dc2 as you are of yourselves now.
She doesn't sound like much if a friend. Uanbu!!
Congratulations on dc2 Grin

Lovelygoldboots · 02/02/2013 22:36

I think you should cut this woman out of your life tbh. A dreadful thing to say. Congratulations on you pregnancy. It is a wonderful time in your life when you have two little ones. You enjoy it. Take those babies out to the park, the zoo, picnics. You will see your lovely little family and realize what a terrible thing that woman said to you was good luck op youll do just fine

50shadesofmeh · 02/02/2013 22:37

She's not a friend at all, very narrow minded and nasty also. I'm on pregnancy number 3 after years of severe depression and off medication and so proud of myself anyone who made me feel bad about having my kids would be out of my life in a second .

HollyBerryBush · 02/02/2013 22:39

Is it inherited? I have read some studies that suggest it is. That might colour her view that inherited conditions shouldnt be passed on if there is a danger that quality of life could be impaired.

life however, is full of 'what ifs' - what if she left motherless children? she might get cancer, be hit by a bus, be caught in a drive by shooting - life is just full of what ifs.

Your friend probably isnt your friend. Only you know if her comments were intended to be calculating oand spiteful or whether they were born out of concern

myroomisatip · 02/02/2013 22:40

Well firstly, I just want to say that I think your friend has been very judgemental. You do seem to be a very loving and caring parent.

I can only tell you that I had no MH issues when I had my first child but neither did I realise that I was involved in an abusive relationship. The abuse escalated over the years and the end result was me having a breakdown and two messed up kids.

What I am trying to say is that the future is not etched in stone. :) We can only endeavour to do our best. You are very lucky to have the support, understanding and love of your partner, something I never had!

We all have our cross to bear, we just dont need other people hanging on to it making it heavier! :) Just concentrate on your lovely family and dont give too much credence to other peoples opinions. I am sure you will be just fine :)

And after all..... if you do have any problems there is always Mumsnet :)

MissAnglia · 02/02/2013 22:41

Although she hasn't been nice, I think many people don't really understand mental illness, and she is probably concerned about you without really being aware of all the facts.

You sound as though you are doing brilliantly; it's not easy to overcome this type of illness, and the stigma attached to it also. Try to view her comments as ignorant, rather than nasty and don't let it bother you. Keep on doing what you've been doing and you'll be fine. Well done, and many congratulations on your pregnancy Smile

AreYouADurtBirdOrALadyBird · 02/02/2013 22:42

She sounds very judgmental and ill-informed about mental illness. Ignore her,she is not a good friend.

Well done OP,wishing you a healthy pregnancy.
(((((((Unmumsnetty hugs)))))))

Original poster
sj2008 · 02/02/2013 22:44

Thank you so much for your support and well wishes. I have known this lady for 20 years through a sport we are both heavily involved in. She has done a great deal for me in the past and so this is why her comments are perhaps more upsetting. I just wonder if I had detailed some of the more disturbing/troubled things that have happened in the past, that maybe stand out in her mind,whether people would be more inclined to judge. I really hope I can stay well and feel so lucky that I am to be a mum again!

OP posts:
mrsrupertpenryjones · 02/02/2013 22:44

Tell your "friend" to fuck off and when she gets their to fuck off some more.

I have a lovely friend who is also bi-polar and she is so lovely with my children, she has other friends who won't even trust her to be alone in a room with their children when they are in the next room.

Well done for getting off your meds - from hearing about my friends struggles trying to do the same you should be proud of yourself. The nature of your illness means you are probably going to have days that are better or worse than others - but we all do.

Just to resurect a phrase a read on here from a while back she sounds like a terriblecunt mum.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy! x

AreYouADurtBirdOrALadyBird · 02/02/2013 22:46

It doesn't matter op,you were ill at the time. You are doing better now. Don't let her comments make you dwell on the past.

AgentZigzag · 02/02/2013 22:46

Is it possible for a friend Holly, out of concern for your future DNA legacy, to actually say 'I think you're such a crap person, you should choose not to reproduce', and mean it in a caring way?

I would find it pretty damning.

wewereherefirst · 02/02/2013 22:47

She doesn't sound very supportive at all. A friend would not make such critical judgements and then say it to you!

Congratulations on your pregnancy and keep her at arms length for a while- she is not going to help your MH.

YADNBU.

HollyBerryBush · 02/02/2013 22:48

I just wonder if I had detailed some of the more disturbing/troubled things that have happened in the past, that maybe stand out in her mind

I think that's you answer Op - she knows your history. I'd say it's ill judged concern.

RarelyAGobshite · 02/02/2013 22:49

What a nasty bitch she sounds.

I have a friend with mh issues (bipolar included) and she is one of the best mums I know.

Your 'friend' is being very judgemental, narrow minded, uneducated, rude and heartless.

You will get lots of care and support as a mh sufferer being pg and beyond, and quite frankly it's not her place or business to reel off such venom. You wasn't asking her permission to have more children.

Wishing you and your dh lots of happiness and a healthy baby.

LunaticFringe · 02/02/2013 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeachActiviaMinge · 02/02/2013 22:52

Our past doesn't define the people we are sweetheart its called the past for a reason. I also suffer from various mental health issues I've done many things I am ashamed of not one of them could make me a bad parent. I'm 29 weeks pregnant and coming off the anti-depressents was scary as hell but we both know that it'll be worth it in the end.

You're building a future no-one knows what that holds for any of us we can only do our best to make it count and not repeat the mistakes we have made in the past.

HollyBerryBush · 02/02/2013 22:52

zigzag people are allowed to have opinions, whether they should vocalise them is debatable though.

I know a family with a congenital heart complaint. Six children knowing each one will have to have open heart surgery at some point, repeatedly - I wouldnt vocalise my thoughts, but I don't think I would have made the choice to keep having children if it were me. But I'm a bit of a wuss and don't like seeing my children in pain. But the mother of the six children made choices I wouldnt personally make.

flippingflup · 02/02/2013 22:53

Keep away from her, you don't need that negativity in your life! Sounds like you are doing amazingly, well done. Distance yourself from her. Have you told your partner what she has said?

Original poster
sj2008 · 02/02/2013 22:57

There is quite strong evidence that genetics do impact upon the likelihood of developing bipolar but I suppose that is the case with lots of illnesses and I like to think that if my son ever does have to face that, no one will be better informed to help him than us. I hope my friends comments were out of concern for me and my children but it doesn't change how much it hurts to hear someone say you shouldn't have children. As I'm sure most can relate to, it feels overwhelmingly the most significant thing in life. It is upsetting to think people who care about you consider you unfit to do it.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 02/02/2013 22:58

I would sre distance myself from her she does not sound like a good friend even though you have known her a long time