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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect DH to take a day or two of his anual leave to look after DD who has chicken pox?

24 replies

balroymum · 02/02/2013 22:17

Our DD is two years old and has chicken pox. I'm a teacher and so am entitled to paid 'family leave' for 4(?) days. DH isn't a teacher but he does have his holidays booked in to match with mine which is obviously great. DD woke up spotty yesterday and so I didn't go to work. Both off weekend so no problem there. She usually goes to grandparents on a Monday and nursery for the rest of the week. My plan was to go to work on monday as I know she'll be fine with grandma. At the minute DD is not feeling ill at all but obviously she is spotty and so will not be able to go to nursery for at least a week. It seems that DH thinks that he shouldn't be expected to use holiday when I can just 'take a week off.' How does he not understand that we might both need to take time off?

Hope this doesn't sound like I don't want to look after my DD- of course she's my prioriy but am I being unreasonable to expect DH to share the load?

OP posts:

Sirzy · 02/02/2013 22:19

Would it not make sense to use up your paid leave first and then split anything that is left (and do so for the rest of the year)

Sirzy · 02/02/2013 22:20

And could grandparents do extra just for this week?

Original poster

balroymum · 02/02/2013 22:20

Woops- 'annual'! Could have been worse!

OP posts:

MrsKeithRichards · 02/02/2013 22:21

If it's as straight forward for you both to share the time needed then yanbu.

I say if because in the past dh was a self employed sub contractor and no show meant no pay whereas my work were understanding and I would use my allowance of family leave if needed.

Now we're both on the book employees with similar rights to family leave so would share.

FatimaLovesBread · 02/02/2013 22:23

Is your family leave over a certain time? I.e. 4 days in a year. If so i think it would make sense to share the days at home as you may need some of the family leave days at a later date

Original poster

balroymum · 02/02/2013 22:26

Thanks sizzy. Perhaps I am being a bit of a pain. Grandparents still work but part time. I'm sure they could do one extra day though. How long does chicken pox last?!

OP posts:

5madthings · 02/02/2013 22:30

Yanbu to expect him to share the load, its not a great idea to use up all your leave at once.

Chickenpox will last about a week, once the spots are all scabbed over she can go back to nursery. That tends to take 5-7 days from when the first spot appeared.

Original poster

balroymum · 02/02/2013 22:30

Not sure about that Fatima- need to check. But yes, I'm thinking about that too. I might need my leave later in the year.

OP posts:

Loshad · 02/02/2013 22:31

balroy, at our school both parents (if around) are expected to share such emergency duties, are you sure your school does not have such a policy. It can be a little tricky for me as DH earns massively more than i do, and so equal shares off is not really equal, luckily since i started there the dcs have either been mainly ill during the holidays, or when my mum could have them, or their oldest dbrother is around.

Snazzynewyear · 02/02/2013 22:32

YANBU. It's not good to get into a position where one person is always the one to take time off for family illness. Could he 'work from home' one day? Plus, yes, surely there is a limit on the 4 days' family leave - you might want to check if it's a one-off or a certain number of times a year or whatever. Your DH shouldn't just think of it as a bottomless pit of free leave.

Original poster

balroymum · 02/02/2013 22:38

Thanks guys. Glad no one thinks I'm being a crap mam.

OP posts:

Original poster

balroymum · 02/02/2013 22:48

Thanks Loshad- that sounds familiar actually- and only right I suppose. Will find out on Monday. It is okay to leave her at grandma's on Monday isn't it? DH has made me feel a bit guilty I think

OP posts:

McNewPants2013 · 02/02/2013 22:55

Yanbu it should be shared, hope your DC gets well soon.

HollyBerryBush · 02/02/2013 22:58

Have you got a pregnant collegue at work - it would be dangerous for her if you were to go in if you have!

So have you?

nannyof3 · 02/02/2013 23:02

Giving a chicken pox child to grandparents can be very risky

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 02/02/2013 23:03

DH is not willing to look after his own sick child, and yet is making you feel guilty about relying on other family members?? That sounds like pretty twattish behaviour if you ask me!

5madthings · 02/02/2013 23:05

holly chickenpox is passed through contact with the person who has chickenpox, if the op herself doesn't have chickenpox then she can't pass it on.

Have the grandparents had chickenpoix themselves?

CloudsAndTrees · 02/02/2013 23:07

Tbh, in your situation I would take the paid sick leave option over the using up precious annual holiday option, whichever parent it was going to be.

If one of you needs to take time again if she is sick later in the year and you have used up your entitlement, then you should be looking at using up annual leave.

If you start from the position that you are sharing the responsibility between you but that you are working out what is best for your family as a whole, then you will lost this sense of it all failing to you and that it should be shared. It can be shared by him taking time off when your paid entitlement to time off has run out.

And as an aside, I would feel quite mean in your position asking my DH to use up his his holiday. You are a teacher, you have time off work regularly. Presumably, your DH has much less time off to spend with his dd having fun, and I can understand why he wouldn't want to use up that time when she is ill if his time off is limited. I work term time too by the way, so please don't think I'm one of these people that moans about teachers having time off. I'm really not! I just know how lucky I feel in that I get regular blocks of time off work to spend with my children, and my DH doesn't have that.

DoJo · 02/02/2013 23:08

TBH I would use up your leave first on the understanding that he will have to take time off later in the year if needed. I don't see the point in 'saving' your allocation for something that might happen later in the year when you have a situation that requires one of you to take time off now. If you're lucky and your daughter isn't ill during term time for the rest of the year, then your husband will have used annual leave for nothing and you will presumably not be able to carry any of your 4 days over.

Bugsylugs · 02/02/2013 23:08

If grandparents have had chicken pox and not immunosupressed GP are not at risk

wonkylegs · 02/02/2013 23:10

Your DH is being daft unless there is a specific reason why he can't share the load on this occasion it should be shared equally if possible if you both work FT
Grandparents (as long as they are ok with it should be fine) - we would rely on them in this situation as I cannot be near anybody with CP due to huge immunity issues so live in dread of DS picking it up, DH would do his bit but his job would be letting a lot of people on very long waiting lists down if he has to cancel sessions so we try to avoid that unless strictly necessary (but he's done it before)
Kids want cuddles & fuss made over them when ill & grandparents are quite able to do this.

Original poster

balroymum · 03/02/2013 00:33

Thanks everyone. Grandparents have had chicken pox so no worries in that respect. Opinion seems pretty divided here so perhaps a compromise is possible. I am a funny one really. I know lots of people would just think 'right, I've got a good reason to take a week off' but I can't ignore the fact that missing a week's worth of lessons is not great for my students and I do have a responsibility to them too. DH knows that this is how I feel and I suspect it has pissed him off a bit. You're right though clouds and trees, when I think about it from his perspective, he obviously wants to keep holiday leave for fun times. Fair enough and quite sweet really, but ... there's nothing to say she won't ever be ill when he's on leave! She is of course sometimes ill during school holidays! My brain hurts.

OP posts:

ihearsounds · 03/02/2013 01:32

Surely he would be able to get time off, albeit unpaid, under time off for dependents. Rather than you taking 4 days straight, you could both easily split the time. Looking after the children, regardless of their health shouldn't just be your job. You are both parents, and both should take time off when necessary.

knackeredmother · 03/02/2013 21:19

Would the expectation of the school not be that you share the time off needed with your husband?

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