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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder why MIL is buying a crib for HER room?

75 replies

WeeS · 02/02/2013 10:31

Im 18+2 with my first baby. This baby will be the first grandchild for both my parents and my OHs Mum.

Last night OH mentioned that his Mum is buying baby stuff to keep at her house - a great idea & will really help us out for when we go to visit. His Mum lives about 45 minutes drive away so not having to lug everything with us every time will be good.

Just not sure why she's buying a crib/moses basket to put next to her bed?????

I'm already having feelings of worry that other family members are going to hog the baby and I'm not going to get bonding time - I realise this is probably irrational and due to hormones OH & I are living with my parents at the moment til we get our own place, but realistically this wont be for another year. Now my sister is moving back from London & staying with my parents too, to coincide with baby being born (grrr) So it'll be a full house & I can't see when I'm going to have alone time to bond with my baby.

Advice please!

OP posts:

mrsjay · 02/02/2013 13:13

nod and smile and then just do your own thing when you get to that point.

that , no point in getting all het up about it till the time comes, If you dont wan't your baby staying away that is ok ,

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub · 02/02/2013 13:13

CatAndFiddle · 02/02/2013 13:30

Sounds like my MIL. I am 20 weeks with what will probably be her only ever grandchild. She is also lovely, but does seem to have become a bit weird about it recently. I am having same worries as you, and feeling guilty about it! Agree with what others have said, I will be setting the boundaries straight after the birth as i want the first few weeks to be just the 3 of us.

IdaClair · 02/02/2013 14:07

My DD had overnights at gps before she was out of Moses basket, she was 6 months I think. Sounds like she is just excited.

Original poster

WeeS · 02/02/2013 14:19

CatAndFiddle so glad it's not just me!

I would love the first 3 weeks to be just the 3 of us just know that in reality there is no way of that being possible and it's likely that the door will be ringing non-stop. Also, it's not my door to answer, or ignore!

Hopefully it'll only be an intial frenzy of visitors & then OH & I can find time to ourselves to bond as a family

OP posts:

thebody · 02/02/2013 14:19

Hi, you will have as much time as you choose to bond with your baby as I done expected t anyone will actually snatch it out if your arms so don't panic.

Your mil is probably excited and hoping you visit her house lots and stay over.

You don't ever have to leave your baby overnight with anyone at any age if you don't want to, I didn't ever leave any if my 4,, why would I?

It helps if you bf but if you ff just insist that you do the feeding, you should anyway.

Start as you mean to go in but do remember the baby is part of an extended family that sounds warm and caring so you are lucky.

Not sure re reference to your sister?

mrsbunnylove · 02/02/2013 14:51

ps. curious about mrsbunnyloves patterns too lol

sorry - to say what patterns would be to give her name away. i'd started the post before i realised. we are all aspies. plain is sometimes good for us. except... the baby has a pretty name...

Clytaemnestra · 02/02/2013 15:02

Axminster Von Zigzag is a charming name for a baby, but I do see why your son in law would be worried about patterns in the nursery, Bunny.

FightingForSurvival · 02/02/2013 15:13

Every woman in your family goes a bit nuts when first bubba is born. I cam remember my sister telling me her boobs felt leaky when she held my first born. My mil was completely bonkers. She spoke to me through the baby for about the first 8 months of his life, as in "ooh what has mummy been up to this week", this will annoy the crap out of you. Refusing to go home because, " my grandson s talking to me" (yeah love he's 3 weeks old). Oh g it was awful, even more awful in hindsight, I used to have the blinds drawn and the phone on voicemail, she was OBSESSED. Lol luckily for me her other son had 2 babies in short succession after and that changed my life. I am sure yours won't be that bad! They do go back to normal eventually and to be fair to my mil she has done a lot for us but my god, the early days! So yes it probably is her hormones, and yours and your mothers hormones any any other woman you know!

CatAndFiddle · 02/02/2013 15:27

Well, at least she is a 45 min drive away.....mine is a 5 min walk!!! She also has a key...(!) Anyway, like yours, my MIL is very generous and kind, and I know it would be so much worse to have one of these MIL from hell you read about on here. I'm blaming the hormones too.

Locketjuice · 02/02/2013 15:33

My oh mum said she was going to turn her office into a nursery.. BUT said they will never babysit on a Saturday as its there night, Fridays they are tired from work and like to chill out so that's not really convenient and during the weeks a bit much.. So basically you want a nursery for everyone elses benefit yet you don't actually want to baby sit

But in all honesty once the dare I say it novelty wears off it seems you don't get bugged so much!

TrucksAndDinosaurs · 02/02/2013 21:17

I never understand why people go in for nurseries in the first place. Babies do not care about wallpaper with tiny ducklings on and when they are toddlers all they want is Peppa Pig everything.

Boomerwang · 02/02/2013 21:23

Well if my MIL had done that I would have given her a huge hug. But that's hindsight. At the time of my 18 week pregnancy status I might have thought it a bit odd. I don't mind one bit that my daughter sleeps in a cot next to her grandmother's bed when she stays overnight. Best place to be.

PeppermintCreams · 02/02/2013 21:34

If your own family get a bit much, you might be glad of the option of staying with just MIL to get a bit of a breather.

Obviously baby in your guest room, of course.

CitizenOscar · 02/02/2013 21:39

As others have said, try not to worry too much right now, and calmly defend your boundaries once baby is there.

We took a spare Moses basket over to my parents' house so DS had somewhere to nap & for when we all stayed over. When he outgrew that, they bought a 2nd hand travel cot.

Now he's 19m & stays over once a week so they've bought a cot.

If they'd bought a cot while I was pregnant, I'd have been horrified, and worried about their expectations but it all developed naturally & with lots of open discussion.

Good luck!

dinkystinky · 02/02/2013 21:49

Wees - its nice you will have lots of family support when the baby arrives - but make sure it is just that, and not family taking over. Speak to your mum and days about wanting bonding time and visitors to a minimum for the first few weeks - and explain to MIL you are delighted she is so excited but baby will be in with you whilst tiny so second Moses basket at hers might be an unnecessary expense.

DontmindifIdo · 02/02/2013 22:02

Oh MIL did a nursery too! DS is 3, he's slept over 2 times, first time at 18months.

I smiled and said "oh, thank you for the offer, if we need overnight care, it's so nice to know the office is there." then not actually use it. We live close enough to not need to sleep over when we visit, and I know that some people feel really comfortable leaving their DCs regularly with other extended family, that was never for me. MIL has babysat here a few times though.

Thankfully though, PIL are wealthy and I know she's not spent anything she can't afford to lose, if money is tight for your PIL then I might want to rein her in.

Main thing is though, her decision to buy this stuff without asking you if you want her too should never be used as a way to make you feel guilty into leaving your DC when you don't want to. Make sure your DH backs you up, a child is not a toy to be handed round to make sure everyone gets their 'turn' with them.

It's not irrational to think that other people might get over excited and try to take the baby away from you, depressingly it happens with a lot of mothers. Perhaps talk to your DH now and agree that visitors for the first 2 weeks will be for a maximum 2 hours and he needs to back you up in this. Stress the importance of bonding.

Enfyshedd · 02/02/2013 22:22

DD is future MIL's 6th DGC (and was probably unexpected from a long term POV as DP was divorced and his DB & DS have finished their families). When we went to see her last year when DD was 5mo, she'd been lent stuff (travel cot, bouncy chair, play mat, etc) by her friends whose own DGCs are infrequent visitors or recently grown out of - I think they all do this for each other which I think is really nice. Was really useful considering we had a 250 mile trip by train to get there!!

mrsbunnylove · 02/02/2013 22:24

Clytaemnestra: Axminster Von Zigzag is a charming name for a baby, but I do see why your son in law would be worried about patterns in the nursery, Bunny
shucks, you guessed it!

Mytimewillcome · 03/02/2013 19:39

Please set boundaries. Its very important with women like her. My MIL is like yours. I got on fairly well with her before DS1 but after she went slightly bonkers and as a new mum I was very overprotective (that hasn't changed!).

If there is a crib in her room she obviously expects the baby to stay over when it is quite and you quite obviously do not so please let her know.

I didn't let my MIL know these boundaries and our relationship is beyond repair now.

bootsycollins · 03/02/2013 19:46

eBay is full of immaculate prams "only used at grandmas house", some real bargains to be had

MamaBear17 · 03/02/2013 20:17

My MIL planned to do all sorts of things - including decorate and furnish a bedroom for our dd and my nephew (born at the same time) - when I was pregnant. When the babies arrived she relaxed a bit. I think she was just excited. She did buy a double pushchair which I thought was a bit daft, and ended up selling it on ebay because it just didn't get used - why would it? We both have out own pushchairs! I think grandmothers are just desperate to do something because they are excited. Try not to worry too much, you know your baby will not be staying overnight until you feel you are ready for him or her to be away from you. Just because she buys a crib does not mean you have to arrange a time for her to use it. Also, it will be handy to have somewhere for your baby to nap when you are visiting.

shutthebloodydoor · 03/02/2013 20:22

wees slightly simlair for me too! im 27 weeks and was informed that i was to ring MIL when i went iin labour as she was there at her other grandchildrens birth?? I really stressed out about it ( the thought of her clutching one of my legs makes me shudder!!)untill i told DP what was on my mind, he just said '' dont worry we wont phone her when we go in''

She thought she was going to give work up so me and Dp would pay her when i had baby and went back to work! LOL

She pulled a stunt last night and has gotten away with it as no one wants to upset her!

mytime i really wish i was brave enough to do that now as I know there will be trouble ahead for me too!

MariusEarlobe · 03/02/2013 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

WeeS · 05/02/2013 19:24

Only just managed to check the forum and seen all the replies! Thanks to all of you for your input and advice!

I decided to bring up a conversation when OH & I were having dinner with my parents a couple of nights ago, where I said I was concerned about others' expectations after baby was born, brought up my worry of others 'hogging' the baby, not being able to get time alone with baby etc, etc. I did it in a way that implicated nobody in particular, so nobody's feelings have been hurt but I've still managed to get it out there & give everyone food for thought for a bit Of course, my mum told me she thought I was being a bit hormonal, but I suppose I am haha

At the end of the day, if MIL would like to buy a moses basket to have in her home that's fine, but I highly doubt I'd be happy letting my baby sleep with anyone other than me & OH when he/she is still very young & I'm now equipped with lots of great advice on how to deal with that issue if it ever comes up. It may however, come in handy. And like PeppermintCreams said, I might be grateful for a break at MILs!

Shutthebloodydoor .... OMG!! I sympathise with your fear of setting boundaries, although I dont think MIL is anywhere near that bad. Just as well your OH didnt insist on her being at the birth lol! You might've said something you'd later regret heehee!

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