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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not be really happy about other kids telling me my DS "has done well today"?

67 replies

DiamondDoris · 31/01/2013 18:16

My DS has learning disablities, speech and language problems and asd traits. He's 6, tiny for his age. I know his classmates feel protective towards him but I feel a bit cheesed off when other 6 or 7 year olds think it's their job to judge how well he's done in class. Surely that's the job of the teachers and TAs? He spends 19 hours with the TAs and SEN TAs anyway. The kids don't want to be his friend, he never gets invited to parties or playdates, plays by himself at playtime - he just seems to be molly-coddled by his peers.

OP posts:

Panzee · 31/01/2013 18:19

I can see why you feel this way but they are showing their love for your son. It might seem a bit patronising but they are also six and don't get that.

StuffezLaBouche · 31/01/2013 18:20

They're children - they most likely think they're being nice and supportive.
Though from the second half of your post i can see why you might feel like that.

Seabird72 · 31/01/2013 18:20

Sounds like the teachers may have told them to deal with your ds in this manner - I don't think any child that age would automatically think that they should be praising another kid in class - especially if it's on a regular basis and they don't treat other classmates in the same fashion - I would say maybe their parents but if a lot of different kids are doing it I think it's more likely the school teachers have said something. At least he's not being bullied for being different.

scottishegg · 31/01/2013 18:22

I honestly think the other kids are pleased that your son has done well, they possibly do feel protective over him and are probably aware of his differences.
Its a shame that he never gets invited to parties though but I place the blame for this solely on the other childrens parents shoulders, they are the ones to send out the invites and this is cruel. Have u tried to organise playdates for your son yourself?

AngelWreakinHavoc · 31/01/2013 18:24

I think y a b a little bit u.
They obviously think a lot of your Ds to be protective of him and Molly coddle him.
They are but children themselves.

Branleuse · 31/01/2013 18:28

i get this a lot with ds1 (12) and always have. I get what you mean, it is nice, but it hurts too

LadyMargolotta · 31/01/2013 18:29

You have to admit, it's far better then him being bullied or made fun off for his problems

My ds has similar problems, and gets looked after by the girls in his class. I think it's really sweet.

One child did upset me, by coming up and saying very loudly, 'I never understand ANYTHING he says, he just speaks blasfdfeafejfejskgf' imitating his speech).

It's sad that your ds is not being invited to birthday parties, but I would blame the parents for that, not the child. Do you invite these children to your ds's birthday party? We tend to get reciprocal invitations.

Original poster

DiamondDoris · 31/01/2013 18:29

I do realise that they are looking out for him and find him endearing but I'm sad that they treat him as different. He has quite eccentric behaviour - his thing at the moment (well for a year or so) is dressing up in girls' clothes - I don't mind but his male classmates might find that odd - I have tried asking parents for a playdate - but the parents just look uncomfortable and say "yes that would be nice" but they don't ask me when... maybe I should be a bit more pushy.

OP posts:

DeWe · 31/01/2013 18:32

I don't think they mean anything other than are pleased for him.

I've seen it happen with a little lad who has Downs syndrome in the year below dd2. The children would often come out and tell his mum how he'd done this or that and wasn't it brilliant. The teachers didn't tell them to do it, just they all loved him for who he was and seemed to instinctively recognise that some things were more effort for him than them.

ThreeBeeOneGee · 31/01/2013 18:34

I often get reports from other children about what sort of day DS2 has had at school. All his peers seem to know what his IEP targets are better than he does himself! The positive side of it is that his classmates are very protective of him; they won't tolerate him being 'picked on' by children from other year groups and they look out for him and his needs generally.

As he has got older and made more progress, they have begun treating him more equally.

He usually gets invited to a party or playdate about once every year or two.

Original poster

DiamondDoris · 31/01/2013 18:35

I should mention that most of his friends are "fictitious" - he can't tell me who he likes at school. I also forgot to say he has poor social interraction skills maybe down to no playdates.

OP posts:

LadyMargolotta · 31/01/2013 18:36

If you ask them for a playdate, you have to be specifiek with a date and time. And if that is inconvenient, suggest another date.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 31/01/2013 18:36

I can understand why you feel upset. Some children are keen to report on their peers. It's a natural drive for them to want to feel important, they think they are being kind by being positive about him. They are also emulating adults. Yes, it is cack handed, and seems patronising, and the genuinely kind thing to do is to include him, BUT, they may have no idea how to do this, or opportunity.

I'd do two things

A) ask that the teachers don't talk about your DS to you in front of the other children, unless urgent.

B) if she isn't already, ask that your DS does some social skills or friendship groups.

KellyMarieTunstall · 31/01/2013 18:37

If he is smaller than them they probably think he is actually younger than they are.

Children commonly think age is indicated by size (which makes for a few giggles among small/old - tall /young staff ) so it would be quite normal to them to look after the little one. They are being supportive in their own way and letting you know they are looking after him for you.

He is probably not being invited to parties for much the same reason -especially if he spends a lot of time with other adults in school rather than in peer groups.

Perhaps you could invite a couple of classmates for tea every so often to help him connect with his classmates in his own surroundings.

LadyMargolotta · 31/01/2013 18:37

My ds doesn't tell me either, so I make a point of regularly asking the teacher who he has been playing with.

Jinsei · 31/01/2013 18:37

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. There is a little boy in my dd's class who has special needs (don't know details) and my dd is similarly very protective towards him. They are both 7. Tbh, I think she likes to mother him a bit. She quite often comes home and tells me if he has achieved something that might be unusual for him. There is no malice in it at all, it's just her way of wanting to celebrate his achievement - she says it in exactly the same way as she might tell me about another child's achievement, as she recognises that for him, whatever he has done is a significant step forward.

I always found it quite sweet if I'm honest, but having read this thread, I wonder if it is just a bit patronising. :( I hope she would never say anything to his mum, but who knows.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 31/01/2013 18:38

X posts. Took me ages to write this!

MissBetseyTrotwood · 31/01/2013 18:47

My DS2 is tiny, has a severe language impairment, likely learning problems and is partially hearing. He also has some behavioural issues at school. I feel a bit like you do when we have children from his class over to play (he's only in Reception) and they tell me how he's a bit naughty in class sometimes or how he's done well at X or Y. They are assuming a role though. I think that, deep down, I feel that irritation because their behaviour makes me see how different his is and it makes me scared for his future.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 31/01/2013 18:51

MissBetsey. I wondered about that.

pigletmania · 31/01/2013 19:00

Yabu they ar only 6 and are trying to be friendly and supportive.

Summerblaze · 31/01/2013 19:20

My ds has developmental delay, speech, language problems too. He is 5. This doesn't happen yet as he has only just started but I would think this was quite cute and their way of looking after him and acknowledging that his needs are different. My DS has a posse of girls who fuss over him every day. He couldn't care less though.

Do you think you being cheesed off is more due to the fact that you wish there was no need for them to be letting you know because you want him to be seen as their equal and for there to be nothing for them to notice. I do. I love my boy to bits and certain parts of his delay make him who he is but I still wish for his sake that he was developing as he should.

That said, I'm not sure I would like it still to be happening at 12.

NeverQuiteSure · 31/01/2013 19:33

Actually I'm going to buck the trend and say YANBU.

My own (non SN, if it makes a difference) DC are close in age and my older DC will sometimes say things like "now you sit there like a good little girl while Mummy does X" in a manner that seems very patronising. It's almost like he's trying to assert himself a higher place in the family hierarchy by assuming a parental role with her. I encourage him to look out for and support her but remind him that I am the parent and they are equals.

It is wonderful that your DS receives such encouragement from his classmates, but I wonder if the children in your DS's class have lost sight of the fact that he is their peer and occupies an equal footing on the classroom hierarchy. It does sound a little like in encouraging them to help him they have inadvertently been encouraged to see themselves as somehow superior to him. Perhaps an informal word to the teacher might be in order?

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 31/01/2013 19:37

NQS

Good point

MissBetseyTrotwood · 31/01/2013 19:40

Yes Jamie, I think IABU to feel that way but I have to acknowledge it nonetheless. How supportive are the school of his friendships, OP? When you say he spends 19 hours a week with the TAs, is that time withdrawn from class or in class? My DS has SALT every day in a small group and I know that that can be a little haven for him when things are stressful.

aldiwhore · 31/01/2013 19:42

When you're a child it's quite simple.

You accept difference AND you acknowlegde it. They accept him and are positive, but they treat him as though he's different because he is. I don't think it's negative, but I understand how it would hurt you.

I am all for celebrating difference (of everyone) and accepting it. Would you prefer it if they treated him as the 'same'... if they did, they would probably therefore treat him badly for his needs?

YANBU, especially regarding inclusion in parties and social events, friendship circles etc., but I think for six years old, the children in your child's peer group sound lovely. Your son will be less different to his peers as they know him more... he will become, simply, him, to them.

Not sure if I've come across right, but whilst I believe in equality in respect and care, equal opportunity and inclusion, I also feel we should acknowledge difference and celebrate it. My school friend WAS different. He was in a wheelchair and didn't share lunch with us (as I remember he didn't 'eat food') and I adored him (and he DID get invited to playdates and parties) but he was different. Over time, we realised we both were, we all were and over time, that gave us all strength of character and a feeling of belonging.

I still do not think YABU though, you're his parent, and obvious differences make you worry... you're not alone though. My son has no special needs, he feels different in that he has different interests and ideals, I worry for him. I shouldn't, because he is accepted and acknowledged.

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