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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think there is a problem if your partner or spouse is in the police force?

46 replies

amillionyears · 30/01/2013 20:44

I have seen a few threads on MN where a partner has a problem in their relationship,particularly where violence is involved. But because their partner is in the police force, they are more frightened, and are unsure of what to do. Particularly as regards reporting them?
AIBU?

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 30/01/2013 20:48

YANBU.
I know somebody in real life who has a DH in the police force. He is emotionally abusive,frequently tells her he'll kill himself and the children when not gettin his own/if she ever leaves him.

She's frightened of leaving him because he is in the police force. I suppose he has or can get access (via work friends) to all sorts of information including her address should she ever decided to do a midnight flit with the children.

DayToDayShit · 30/01/2013 20:54

yabu by the thread title. making out anyone in the force is abusive

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/01/2013 20:58

I think any time there is an abusive relationship there is an imbalance of power. Any added imbalance makes that worse. Your spouse could be a doctor, lawyer, teacher, Police Officer, the only one who WOH, have money for lawyers and you don't, has immigration status and you don't, has no medical history and you have MH issues....

People who are abusive set these circumstances up so that the victim finds it harder to leave.

FWIW I know a few people married to Police Officers and they are very happy.

Hassled · 30/01/2013 21:01

Well there's only a problem if your partner is in the police and is an abusive twat. Your thread title makes it sound like just being married to a policeman is a problem.

But yes, you're right in cases of DV etc - it must make an already incredibly hard situation even harder.

HollyBerryBush · 30/01/2013 21:02

I find your thread title offensive TBH.

JustasmallGless · 30/01/2013 21:02

YaBU

Bad choice of thread title IMO.

HTH

Alisvolatpropiis · 30/01/2013 21:04

I didn't read the title properly Blush

I know happy women married to police officers too!

Just that particular one I mentioned who isn't .

NickNacks · 30/01/2013 21:04

Yabu- being married to a police officer does not = a problem!

Original poster
amillionyears · 30/01/2013 21:04

Ok. Sorry. Didnt realise that the thread title could read that I meant that all partners or spouses have a problem if they are with a member of the police force.

OP posts:
JustasmallGless · 30/01/2013 21:05

However in response to your OP, any spouse who is in a position of authority will make the victim less inclined to come forward. Those who are police officers probably more so. Usually because the perpetrator will emotionally blackmail the victim that if they do contact the police the perp will lose their job, go to prison etc

Isityouorme · 30/01/2013 21:05

Same applies if you were married to a lawyer ...

CloudsAndTrees · 30/01/2013 21:05

You might be right.

I have a couple of friends in the police force, they have both said that there is an extremely high divorce rate among police officers whose spouse isn't in the force. Apparently there is a company dedicated to police force divorces.

It makes sense that anyone who is in an abusive relationship with a police officer will find it harder than usual to go to the people that are supposed to help, but then the police aren't the only option for some own trying to get away from domestic abuse. I'd have thought that MrsTP is right that it's going to be extra difficult where there is any imbalance of power, and that can happen with plenty of professions other than the police force.

McNewPants2013 · 30/01/2013 21:07

I think this thread is awful. It is bascially worded that a police officer who is reported for DV will get his mates to fix it for him.

I don't like conspiracy theories.

SirBoobAlot · 30/01/2013 21:08

There have been several of them in the last couple of months. It puts the individuals in a horrible position :(

InNeedOfBrandy · 30/01/2013 21:10

There are statistics somewhere showing what professions are more likely to be perpetrators and police men were top.

JustasmallGless · 30/01/2013 21:10

Clouds - there is a high divorce rate anyway. I haven't seen any evidence that if a spouse is not in the job that it is higher. I suspect that is anecdotal. I am not aware of a company "dedicated" to police force divorces.
However our federation have links to various companies that they recommend services ie car repairs, breakdown services. One of these is also a legal firm. Perhaps that is what your friends are referring to?

JustasmallGless · 30/01/2013 21:12

InNeedofBrandy - can you please link. Would be interested to see this data.

MrsBW · 30/01/2013 21:13

I am married to someone in the police and have seen what happens if one of them is accused of a crime.

It would make me more, not less, likely to report him if he ever laid a hand on me.

CloudsAndTrees · 30/01/2013 21:15

Justasmall, maybe, I'm not sure. I haven't seen any evidence of a higher divorce rate either, just repeating what I was told. It could always be coincidental, my friend might just have been referring to her section. Either way, I love listening to her talk about her job, it's fascinating. Smile

GlaikitFizzog · 30/01/2013 21:16

Ime the divorce rate within the police force is because they are all shagging each other. I used to deal with the housing allowances for police officers and the amount of them that were on marriage 3+ were huge.

Also from personal experience I would like to think that no police officer would "fix" an enquiry into DV where the accused is a fellow officer.

ShellyBoobs · 30/01/2013 21:17

YABU

Purple2012 · 30/01/2013 21:18

In my force if a police officer is reported for DV they are treated pretty much the same as anyone else. The only difference is that they may be taken to a custody centre away from where they serve. This is fir various reasons, not just for their 'rights' but also because it would be uncomfortable for their colleagues.

They would not have access to addresses/info etc. Everything is audited. So if anyone, either them or a colleague attempted to access information they would be quickly identified.

That said, domestic abuse is a power thing. The perpetrator would probably tell their spouse that they could access info/they wouldnt be believed/their mates would mean it wouldn't go anywhere. The spouse, especially if not in the force would believe it. Probably because of years of abuse including mental abuse.

Your thread title misleading though.

CloudsAndTrees · 30/01/2013 21:21

As there seem to be lots of police officers on this thread, I'd like to take the opportunity to say a big thank you for doing the job you do. I'm pretty much in awe of all of you!

InNeedOfBrandy · 30/01/2013 21:22

Heres something just from google justasmallglass but I can't find the WA research thats somewhere about it.

InNeedOfBrandy · 30/01/2013 21:23

www.purpleberets.org/violence_police_families.html