To wish my daughter didn't have any contact with her father

[alisunshine29]

I know 'every child has a right to know their father' and the general consensus is that every child is better off having contact than not but I really am at the end of my tether with daughters father and wish he had no contact with her; I think she would be immeasurably better off if that were the case. We seperated when she was just under 2 (now almost 5.5) and the main reason was his drinking and his lack of interest in our daughter, he was agressive to me and she cried whenever he entered the room. At first she was hysterical about contact, now she is despondent. We have numerous problems at first - i.e. him putting her in nappies when she was potty trained here, allowing her to sleep in his bed when he'd been drinking/she slept in her own bed here (leading to her being up 20+ times per night here), letting her eat/drink whatever she likes causing an upset tummy, letting her stay up as late as she likes leading to her being tired for nursery (and now school.)

Now it's almost 3.5 years since he's been having contact (alternate weekends though sometimes he misses his weekend) and things aren't any better. DD isn't hysterical about going - but I don't know if the way she is is actually worse. Two days before contact she becomes withdrawn and lethargic, she gets teary over nothing and just 'can't be bothered' with life. She stops eating and is miserable. When he comes to collect her, they don't greet each other; he passes her his Ipad and she watches a film on the journey to his (45 mins) Over the weekend he sometimes works (by choice, for extra money) leaving DD with his girlfriend who is 16 years his junior and tells DD she is her Mummy too. Other than that, he does literally nothing with her. She sits around watching TV/playing games on the Ipad all weekend. She tells him what she wants to eat and he gets it (McDonalds, KFC, sweets, crisps etc) which then leads to her having a poorly tummy for a good few days after contact. When she returns from contact she is extremely tired and lethargic from sitting around/staying up late all weekend. She is miserable, teary and rude - as if she blames me for sending her for contact. She repeatedly says that she wishes she could just stay here.

The latest problem has been that she's been saying that she's poorly on the Thursday (he collects her on the Friday) - last time she was genuinely ill and so I warned him, to which he replied and said he'd leave her here for the weekend and have her when she's well instead. She realised that he won't have her if she's ill so last time on the Thursday she managed to get sent home from school for being ill (which she wasn't.) I told him she'd been sent home from school but there was nothing wrong with her, but he said he wouldn't collect her if she was ill. He also used the snow as an excuse not to collect her and went 5 weeks with no contact, during which time she was so unbelievably happy that it has made me wish that she had no contact with him. He has no positive impact on her life at all, she looks/acts thoroughly depressed around him/after she's seen him and I hate this 2 week cycle of misery for her. It affects her 2 days before/after contact and it's wasting her life. AIBU?

As mother to mother please go by your gut instincts .if your child isn't happy you need to get to the bottom of it.let him take you to court, because caff caff will get involved and they are trained in finding out what's bothering the child.i have had extensive experience on this and I stand by my desicion for my kids not to see their father.im the only one that can keep them safe.good luck.

What's the girlfriend like? Is there anyway she might help the routine ?

Can you tell your dd to ask for proper food while she is there?

Ps yanbu and you have lots of good advice here

I know yo've said they won't hear a word against him, but how about phrasing it differently? Instead of saying 'he has no meaningful interaction with her. no routine, lets her eat crap and leaves her with his girlfriend' how about saying 'maybe, with his work committments, it would be easier for her to stay with you (ILs) so he doesn't have his contact disrupted and she can see you too!'

I have tried writing to the grandparents offering them additional contact as DD likes them but didn't see them for a while when her father fell out with them but they said no and that they refuse to hey involved. Am going to speak to her teacher as she actually fell asleep at school on Monday which is highly unlike her. Girlfriend is 21 and refuses to acknowledge me except to glare at me! Have explained to DD that it's the food she has at her father's that gives her an upset tummy and she does make healthy requests but he is obese and so shops/eats out to suit himself. I just feel powerless as Court would never stop contact and he knows that.

ex and i split up when daughter was four. she had contact until she was 20.
it made her depressed. it took about six or eight years after cutting off contact with him completely to not be miserable on saturdays. not because she was missing him but because contact had led to her being unhappy for years.

what can you do? you know what seems sensible but society is against you.
i haven't read the thread (as usual, life's too short). has anyone suggested keeping a diary of how seeing him affects her? i know someone mentioned the gp. school might have noticed something, or might if you make them aware. health visitors. anyone who knows him who can say what he's really like? you might be able to get enough evidence to get the court to back you in no contact.

i kept contact because we were 'supposed' to and because when my dad left home from time to time he never bothered to see me (saw my brother every week though. from the same house. this is the old man i phone every night to make sure he isn't too lonely). and mostly because he was providing some maintenance, which he wouldn't have done without seeing her. she suffered so we could have a bit of money coming in. that's about it. sounds bad like that. poor baby. i love her so much.

i would definitely talk to school. asak them to document any unhappines o illness as you have concerns but want an objective opinion.

email school with you concerns that she fell asleep on monday and what they are going to do to support her. (this is then on record! not that school have been bad or anything)

take herr to the gp and ask about the tummy pains and what you can do to help. aask whether she can have a referral to cahms as she is so unhappy and lethargic.

suggest she gets the fishfingers and fruit options from macdonalds.

Have you had a speak with his parents about your concerns. Maybe his mum, to try and get her to mention it in a way he might listen.
If you said something like "I do think it's really important for DD to see her dad, and I want them to have a good relationship, but I think it might help them both a bit if you gave him a bit of advice about routine/activity ideas so on, as from her behavior after and what she tells me I think he might be finding it a bit tricky to think of things to do/how to get her in a routine at his"

I really do sympathize though. If I was in this situation I would probably talk about my concerns and say I think it's in DD's best interest to have supervised contact for a while until things seem to be going a bit better. It might make him step up a bit knowing he can't just laze about and ignore her during contact anymore.

The girlfriend sounds very immature.is moving away an option? Make contact difficult that way for him.he may not want to bother if he has to travel.therefore if he took it to court they can see he's making no effort.just a thought.i would move to timbucktoo if it kept my kids safe from my ex.

mademred - Have thought about doing just that; DD herself has suggested it which is very sad indeed. Unfortunately though, her father has a company car with free fuel and so he would not be put off by travelling to collect her - he would do so for free, label himself as hero for doing so to his family and friends, DD would be even more affected by having to endure longer journeys, as well as having to leave her home town and friends.

I'd go to his parents if you feel that you can. Does she like them? Would they be happy to be around when dd visits her dad, if so they might be able to help with feeding/entertaining her and hopefully seeing this might prompt your ex p to modify his behaviour, if not then I don't think its unreasonable to stop contact, the contact is for the Childs benefit, not the parents!

No, a court wouldn't stop contact, but they would change the type of contact. You aren't at that stage yet. I agree that you should keep a diary of events relating to the contact with dad, see the GP with DD and see if they can refer to any counselling services, speak to the school, try to get dad to a meeting with them regarding DD's progress and ask for it to be documented if he doesn't attend as well as their observations of DD during school, investigate the possibility of a mediation meeting to sort out the form contact should take, again note if he refuses or doesn't attend an arranged appointment. If dad does go to court it won't be in his favour if he has repeatedly refused to discuss in a reasonable way his daughter's unhappiness and behaviour. They will ask him in detail what sorts of things they do together and about the food issues, whether she likes his girlfriend, why DD and he never greet each other when he collects her, why he tried to pretend his ipad was a present for her, and how consistent he is keeping to agreed arrangements. He should also be aware that court fees are not cheap.

I'm amazed at the GP's not wanting to take sides, are they really aware of how potentially serious this is? They may not see their granddaughter for ages unless they offer hospitality at their home, because the way it could end up is dad won't be seeing much of her either.

Meantime, you can say that if he is working over a week-end he will need to either only have DD for the day when he is not working, or another time, but if he misses any days or doesn't re-arrange don't prompt him. Let DD have 'sick days' if she is clearly not fit to go.

If dad is only a 45min journey away, suggest he comes to take her out for a day, there is no reason why he should have to have her at his overnight if you have no court order. Do consult a solicitor, but without it and with you having residency of DD, you can call the shots if this current contact arrangement isn't working. He should be aware that as DC grow up, their contact needs reviewing to take into account their changing lives and activities, so if he isn't prepared to work around these and take an interest he is failing as a parent.