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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to ask for a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on and maybe a virtual hug????

23 replies

kickassmomma · 29/01/2013 22:13

this is a long and whiney post, please keep nasty comments to youselfs. i have previously had to name change due to utterly awful and uncalled for comments and i am not in the right place at the minute to take them on the chin.

so my little girl (2.6) such a happy little soul but has a rare condition which means she needs a ventilator when she sleeps. i have struggled for months with her doctors as they simply seem to block or ignore any and all attempts for me to voice concerns about her development. although they are only respiratory doctors we -for some reason beyond logic- have to report all and any developmental concerns to them.

we have voice concerns at every appointment, about her breathing about her development, about every single thing that doesnt seem right. but they ignored me. my most recent concern was about her walking (i have another post on that so wont bore people with the details) i raised concern 7 months ago about it. but go told nothing was wrong and it was because she was tired. now after visiting them again our consultant saw it and told us they would need to keep an eye on it but wouldnt be doing anything about it. it was the last straw. we have battled with this hospital so long. i have today phoned and made a formal request to have her care transfered to a different specialist hospital. i am now very scared as we go through the process, of switching doctors. our current clowns admitted they had no idea what to do with my daughter. so why stay with them? i was told by PALs that most families come back and that there care will not differ at any other hospital yet the hospital will be further away and most families who do decide to move have problems travelling and suffer alot of sleep deprivation and stress.
i went on the phone with a heart full of strength and came off feeling like i had made the worst decision for my daughter. i am now feeling very tearful. i have so much support family and friend wise but medically, in terms of community support, nurses, doctors etc. i feel very very alone. my daughter was born healthy and seemed fine and now all these problems are arising. she has multiple issues atm that doctors just kept passing off as 'she'll do it soon' or 'she'll grow out of that' and refused to investigate further. deep down i know something is wrong, i know multiple things are wrong but i am having to go back to basics and see our gp because we have been failed so many times. i mean, it comes to something when i tell the doctors what they need to do and why and thye do it because quite frankly google was a better teacher to me than a really expensive medical school was to them.

i am so worried this will backfire on me and my daughter will recieve worse care then she already is but at the time of phoning the hospital up, my main concern was for my daughters health and wellbeing and giving her the best chance of thriving and developing and the hospital we 'were' with did not seem like it could do that for her.
has anyone else had to make such a difficult decision?? i mean i dont drive and the next nearest specialist hospital that would be considered an option is a 2hour car journey but we would have to most likely take the train, so say about 3 hours instead. the though of having to travel with my daughter that far is also scary.

i supose i just need to get this off my chest as i cant really do it personally. i have been unable to express emotionally to someone else in person, how this all makes me feel. when really i need someone to be there and say no you made the right decision, dd is going to benefit from this change. most of my friends dont talk to me no more as they didnt want to have to be the emotional support when things like this happen and i need a good old moan and cry.

anyone hold my hand on this journey???? i always said 2013 would be the year my girl would be stablised and 'quality of life' would not be a term that would need to be used again

OP posts:
OddBoots · 29/01/2013 22:19

Oh it's so hard to know what to do for right for our children in this kind of thing. Do you have a GP you know well and trust? If so then he or she might be able to guide you? Are there any support groups in your area you have joined or could joined so you can chat about things with other parents, even if they aren't in exactly the same position they could still offer insight.

OddBoots · 29/01/2013 22:23

I know children are all different so this probably isn't much help but for what it is worth I know a child who is now 4 who needs a vent at night, he has met his milestones late simply because of all the medical and care stuff that goes around his condition but over the past few months he has come on in leaps and bounds and has almost caught up, it just seemed to click.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 29/01/2013 22:28

Are there any support groups - either in your area, or national/on-line - who could offer you advice and support? Maybe if you rang a specialist children's hospital, like Great Ormond Street, they might be able to put you in touch with some-one.

{{{hugs}}} for you, whilst you are going through this stressful time.

kickassmomma · 29/01/2013 22:28

hi oddboots, no no gp we are really close to that we can talk to we recently also had to change our dd's gp as the old one refused to prescribe her special medications because they were either too complex or too expensive. im not sure about groups in my area. to look at my daughter and to watch her immediate behaviour you wouldnt know anything was wrong with her, its only when you watch closer and for a while that you realise. i am afraid to go to normal parent and baby groups as my dd gets alot of stares and sidways comments and it hurts me. on the flip side i dont know whether she is too 'unique. to go to a special needs group as i would assume they were for more severly development delayed etc. there arnt any inbetween i dont think. it would be nice to slot in somewhere Hmm

OP posts:
kickassmomma · 29/01/2013 22:31

sdtg hi, i have found from experience that hospitals dont take kindly to me telephoning them. the switch boards dont know what to say and any doctors / nurses dont dicuss things like this because dd isnt referred to them. i may ask my gp if he knows any...would he know?

OP posts:
kickassmomma · 29/01/2013 22:33

ahh yes oddboots we were also told that it is because of her condition, somethings she catches up with but in terms of her walking and things like her speech she hasnt. her speech has stopped prgressing completly and her walking seems almost to regress. she is behind intellectually but is just learning slower which was explain to be because of her condition :)

OP posts:
maddening · 29/01/2013 22:35

What do they think is wrong? If they are medicating then they must have a certain idea - have you looked at the NICE guidelines for treatment as it might indicate that that is the protocol they are following.

Can you raise your concerns with your pct?

aldiwhore · 29/01/2013 22:38

I'm really truly sorry you're going through this but I don't know if you're unreasonable or not because a) I'm not you and b) I am no doctor.

Though I do understand the heartache of watching a loved one suffer and being told it's nothing to worry about or it's not as bad as I think... I do think that if things haven't been explained to you properly (or if they have and you don't agree) then a second opinion should be attained, however, I also do not believe that all drs are clowns, or stupid, or 'only' their specialities. (Though I accept yo're at the end of your tether).

It is possible, with the best trained drs in the world ever, that there is no answer for you. I didn't want to ignore you, but have to be honest... YANBU, and even if you are, it's understandable. I'd be as unreasonable as hell to get answers, or at least take my best shot at getting them.

I hope you make progress soon, but I have yet to meet a team of drs who aren't dedicated, or rather, don't care.

Snazzynewyear · 29/01/2013 22:38

I would write - not phone, write - to the hospital chief executive and set out your concerns. Say you would welcome a meeting with the lead clinicians who have overseen your daughter's care to talk openly about your concerns. This is basically then an official complaint and they have to deal with it - PALS is basically there to soak up a lot of the flak and deflect people from then putting in a 'proper' complaint. (People can disagree if they like but I have personally had this happen.)

Another place you could contact is the Patients Association. They are a lobby group supporting the right of all patients to get better care and be more involved in decision making about their care - obviously in your case, you on your daughter's behalf. They might be able to advise you on dealiing with your current hospital but also on alternative / specialist support organisations. Look on the website and there's a helpline number.

mrsbunnylove · 29/01/2013 22:41

i don't know anything about the sort of situation you are dealing with so i can't offer any advice.
but i will pray for you tonight.

OddBoots · 29/01/2013 22:50

If you put your dd's condition into www.cafamily.org.uk/ there may be a group you could contact for a bit of advice and support.

kickassmomma · 29/01/2013 22:59

Thankyou so much for your replies guys. Jut to clear up confusion! In mass emtion unfit really explain right. The reason senhas her ventilator is due to a condition called CChs. It is the other problems wih her walking and development and behaviour that they are unwilling to do anything about yet if I go to another doctor I normally get sent back to these consultants again! The ones who say they won't do anything! I hope to har these issues listened to and sorted or investigated atleast. Writtinn a letter that is a good idea! I complained twice to the hospitals PALs service the second time I had the consultant phone me to discuss my concerns. He said he really wanted to work with my dd as she is 'one of a kind' but they shud work with her to help her my to broaden there skills . That's how I took it! I will Definitly write a letter tithe hospital chief and explain our issues and why we moved! I'm not the first to hate this hospital for its poor care :/

OP posts:
maddening · 29/01/2013 23:02

So does cchs have a known affect on development? Fo they think they are linked?

MrsWolowitzerables · 29/01/2013 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kickassmomma · 29/01/2013 23:11

Maddening statistics show that 45% of CChs patients will have learning disabilities but the issues with her walking are completely separate and unknown. I thought at first it could have been linked but Aparently not, but the thing with these doctors are that, if they dont know, they won't find out or solve the issue. I had to request my daughter went onto non invasive ventilation after I read in an article it was the best way to treat her condition. It is a very complex situation, I suppose one I don't want to be in anymore, I never had any support from them and they admitted they allowed me to deal with more than they should. While an inpatient I had more responsibility over dd's condition than the nurse simpl because I 'was able' and it 'was easier' x

OP posts:
OddBoots · 29/01/2013 23:11

The child I know has Congenital Central Hypoventilation Syndrome too. You definitely wouldn't be out of place in a special needs group - it's indirectly through one I got to know him. In theory it shouldn't cause developmental problems but the rigmarole of the night time vent, the trachy care, the gubbins you have to carry about and the general extra alertness you must have to have must be a huge weight on you.

TuffEric · 29/01/2013 23:17

Can I ask where in the country you are? Are you at a specialist paeds sleep centre? I know this field somewhat...

kickassmomma · 29/01/2013 23:27

Wow oddboots! Small world!! Dd has a rare form of CChs where she has a slightly different pattern at night and hasn't got the genetic marker for it. Shes vented through a mask which is easier but she would benefit from a trachi which was a hard term to come to but a necessary one. She often asks for her vent in the day while she's awake as happily play while she has it on. Something her doctors are not happy with but I will never refuse her if she asks for it she must know she needs it. It is a huge weight and a very emotional one to! I was once apart of some groups that support parents of the condition but, when they my daughter began to vary more from heir children I was called a liar and accused of making up her condition. I was also called rude when asking for advice but then explain that some of what had been advised I couldn't do. I now go it alone with few friends some of which have CChs children and I learn from them! I have Infact made a fantastic friend and she advises me a lot. My daughter wet without treatment for 7months as doctors said i was paranoid. As you can see that's probably we're my in trusting side for doctors has come from. Then 3 failed treatments over a period of 7months was also draining emotionally. I just get on with it in real life, but it's always nice to have people you can just pour out to and explain how I cuts you up Sad especially with other problems developing. I hate going out because mealtimes are a nightmare she doesn't eat solids very well so the majority ends in the floor we attract a lot of attention in restaurants especially as she finger feeds. I feel ashamed to have suh weak moments

OP posts:
out2lunch · 29/01/2013 23:27

I really feel for you op its a horrible difficult situation to be in and so much responsibility for you.
You need help from somewhere else though if the hospital can't deal with dds other needs.
We had a fab consultant who became our go to person each time we had a problem with dd.you will find someone like that for you and your dd.
Everything will be so much better with the right support.good luck.

charitymum · 29/01/2013 23:30

I was going to suggest Contact A Family (link in previous post) - great general support and can also point you to support groups.

Re speech and language you can self refer to a speech and language therapist or call ICAN www.ican.org.uk

It is really hard and I'm sorry you are finding such little support out there. Hope things improve.

kickassmomma · 29/01/2013 23:38

Hi charitymum! We have a speech therapist. Thankfully after 8months while beig assessed by neuro he took pity on me. Could see I was pulling my hair out and referred us to our local clinic. Atleast we are in the road to one solution.:)

OP posts:
DumSpiroSpero · 29/01/2013 23:41

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time with this, it must be horrible.

Have you got a SureStart Children & Family Centre near you? You should be able to access outreach workers and HV's who can support you and help with signposting/referrals to other agencies who can help you.

Ours do speech & language and physio drop-ins and welcome children and parents with varying needs - perhaps we are just lucky but I do hope you can find somewhere that you can get some extra support.

PignutSalamander · 30/01/2013 00:26

Hi op,
I just wanted to reassure you about the transfer situation. I think that you are doing the right thing by trying a different care team. Even if you do transfer back in the long run, surely you have to at least try.
Compared to everything you have been through so far a train journey ( or 50) will be a cinch!
Please do not be afraid to take your daughter out (I know easier said than done) whenever disabilities are not immediately apparent some people will judge but you know no matter what you do some people with judge. Have a couple of comebacks on case some ignoramus actually says any thing and otherwise just ignore.
I'm sorry you are having such a bad time with the hospitals, it can be so hit and miss with them. Especially if they are stumped!
The neurosurgeon my daughter sees Is bloody fantastic. I believe you are entitled to ask for second (and third ) opinions. You shouldn't always need to travel either they can send copies of notes etc.
If you would like their details to ask for them to review her case pm me.
If you aren't already keep a diary detailing your observations if she is advancing then regressing this sort of thing is ver hard for hospitals to monitor ( and if they are stumped it is easier for them to believe your lying than explore new ground, this is less possible of you have been keeping track.
I'm sorry your going through this, it is so fucking hard watching your baby suffer but your doing right by her, you're fighting her corner.

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