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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go to family wedding

23 replies

BoyMeetsWorld · 29/01/2013 22:00

We were all meant to be going to a close family wedding abroad.

With 1 week to go, DH has just sprung it on me that a)the meal won't be until 9pm b)we would be staying with elderly relatives & unable to leave until they were ready - potentially early hours of the morning
C)we only have one bed

We'd be taking my DS (4).

It seriously worries me that we'd be unable to feed him until 9, unable to put him to bed until silly o'clock and even then he'd have no bed.

DH suggests I leave him at home - just presuming my mother will have him. My DM would also have to do a 4 hour round trip to take him to his dads on the weekend.

I've said it's unreasonable, he always puts his family's needs before DS & I don't want to use up 4 of my few holiday days without my son (work full time). DH says I'm being completely unreasonable, should either leave DS at home or take him & accept we can't control feed / sleep times as its only for a few days.

Who's being unreasonable here?

OP posts:

StewieGriffinsMom · 29/01/2013 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 29/01/2013 22:04

Can't he stay with his Dad?

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 29/01/2013 22:04

I think YAB a bit U. Its a close family wedding, its not like its every week. You could take some snacks for DS if you are worried about him not eating until late and could you not get a taxi back to where you are staying?

stella1w · 29/01/2013 22:06

Was guilted into going to wedding abroad with young dcs. Was a disaster. We hated it. Had tried to tactfully decline and guilted into going. Sometimes you just have to say no.

SirBoobAlot · 29/01/2013 22:08

Four years old and your H still hasn't twigged that a child has to come first?

I imagine there would be ways around this - taking foods for your DS to eat earlier, getting a spare key and a taxi, and taking a sleeping bag, or something - but sounds like there are bigger issues afoot here.

selsigfach · 29/01/2013 22:09

How close a relation is the bride/groom? If a sibling, H should go, even if you and son stay at home. If you do all go, bring a packed lunch for son so he can eat earlier. Kids sleep anywhere if they're tired enough, or I did, any rate.

Yanbu for not wanting to go though!

VBisme · 29/01/2013 22:12

Can't your DS stay with his dad? (I imagine that he goes on holiday with his dad at times so won't be concerned about the time apart from you).

A wedding away sounds lovely, are there other reasons that you wouldn't want to go?

Original poster

BoyMeetsWorld · 29/01/2013 22:13

Hi Worra - unfortunately not, ExP (Dad) lives 2 hours away and can't take extra days off easily.

Missy - that's partly my issue. Because we are staying with the elderly rellies, we have essentially become a taxi service - we will have to wait until they are ready, which is likely to be late & no matter how badly DS deals with it, we won't be able to go unless they want to. So no taxi escape for us, if there was I'd be ok.

I think it's a case that I'm admittedly not v flexible when it comes to DS - I like him to have a fairly sensible bedtime (not later than 10 for special occasions, usually 8) & I expect to be able to give him a meal at a sensible time. DS has little flexibility when it comes to family - he does exactly what they want, when they say (often spur of the moment) & just doesn't 'think' like a parent. To him, I'm embarrassing us in front of the family.

OP posts:

attheendoftheday · 29/01/2013 22:13

I would let your h go on his own. There is no way I'd subject a 4 year old to those conditions.

KobayashiMaru · 29/01/2013 22:13

A child doesn't always have to come first. Other family members matter too, and four year olds should be pretty fluid in these things.

niceguy2 · 29/01/2013 22:13

The food thing wouldn't bother me. At 4 years old you can easily shove some snacks in a bag and he can make do. A routine is good but it's not something which has to be sacrosanct.

The sleeping arrangements should be sorted though. Where on earth is he supposed to sleep?

I take it from the 'my DS' comment that your DH is not the dad?

How about suggesting he sleeps on the floor and you & DS take the bed?

McNewPants2013 · 29/01/2013 22:15

1 night will not hurt.

I think it's lovely that you and DS have been accepted into the family and you have all been invited.

Nancy66 · 29/01/2013 22:18

I think you should go - you can carry snacks for your son.

SolidGoldBrass · 29/01/2013 22:21

Send your H on his own. Your DS will be bored shitless and you won't be able to relax.

Original poster

BoyMeetsWorld · 29/01/2013 22:24

Hmmmm mixed opinions :s

No, DH isn't his dad although has always been in his life. DH is from a v different culture to me where they are much more lax with the children.

OP posts:

Karoleann · 29/01/2013 22:26

Why don't you go and just stay in a hotel, then you can leave when ds gets bored. Take plenty of snack too!

scaevola · 29/01/2013 22:28

The problem isn't the admin, which can be coped with in a variety of ways.

It's that you and DH aren't communicating. He's out of touch with what DS needs. You didn't know that. He made arrangements without running them past you. But you didn't think ahead or ask about the admin in time to influence it.

However you work this set of problems out, the immediate focus for both of you really needs to be finding effective ways to communicate.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 29/01/2013 23:43

I'd agree with the person who said that the immediate thing is where your DS will sleep. DD is 3.5yo and needs a reasonable sized bed to sleep in, could you take a ready bed with you? The other thing is getting your DS to bed at a reasonable time. One option is maybe getting a room at the venue or you and your DS taking a taxi back to the house at 10pm or so and your DH to follow on later with the rellies.

Some element of compromise is in order from both sides. Maybe that's where you, DH and DS stay, or the expense of a taxi home. Could you book a hotel for you all and your DH still transport the rellies to/from the wedding?

ApocalypseThen · 29/01/2013 23:47

Just admit that you don't want to go, and decide whether its more important to do what you want, or what your husband wants.

The kid thing is a smokescreen. If you wanted to go, these wouldn't be problems at all.

Original poster

BoyMeetsWorld · 30/01/2013 06:49

Apocalypse, I dont think that's the case. I definitely would want to go if arrangements for DS were satisfactory.

I see very little of DS as it is due to work, we lose weeks with him each year when he's with his dad...why would I want to physically choose to go away without him & yet I feel I can't take him due to the set up if we do.

The further issue is the language barrier - I don't speak the language of the country the wedding is in particularly well. The place we're staying is over an hour away. So I'd have to get in a taxi for an hour long journey with DS & a taxi driver I couldn't communicate with, on our own. Not overly safe. & I only have limited ability to communicate my wishes re DS to DH's family, after that he's our 'interpreter' & he only tells his family what he wants them to hear (v hierarchical family structure)

OP posts:

HollyMadison · 30/01/2013 06:58

It seems pretty late in the day to be deciding that you can't go. As it is a wedding, there was always the chance of a late night and eating not at optimal 4 year old times. Could you take sandwiches for DS? Can DS sleep with you for one night? And could the elderly rellies get a lift with someone else?

ClaudiaSchiffer · 30/01/2013 07:11

I don't blame you for not wanting to go, it sounds hard work. But then I'm very unadventurous.

FWIW I think your son will be absolutely fine if you are. One late night isn't going to hurt him, he'll curl up on the floor if he's tired enough.

longjane · 30/01/2013 07:19

this wedding set up happened in real life to friend of mine.
she ended up in the car with her child so the child could sleep.
and just waited it out till everyone was readly to go home .

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