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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was IBU to have gotten wound up and told him off

17 replies

slappywappydoodah · 29/01/2013 15:46

Have been seeing someone for a while - I guess it's getting a little more serious but we're certainly not at the stage where I would refer to him as DP or anything like that.

Anyway, he has a very good group of friends from his home town who have all moved to London where we both live now. One of them has a sister that he is surprisingly close to and often invites her to things. We have now got to the stage of me being invited to such meet ups and the like so I have met her and the group of friends a few times.

Each and every single time this girl is invited, either before she arrives or after she leaves (she never stays for the whole time as she's quite a bit older and seems to prefer a quiet night at home), they all make comments about how "she's got a touch of autism" or "she's a little bit autistic".

Firstly, let me clarify that she is rather rude at times and can be difficult to talk to, but she has never been diagnosed with autism, nor does she display any other symptoms of it than a basic inability to listen to someone else's point of view or being a bit rude at times, none of which I believe to be a reason to label someone as "a bit autistic". Sometime she seems to get over excited about a subject that others woudl deem dull (e.g. a 20 minute lecture on different types of tea bags), but her family are quite posh and she's very close to her mother and grandmother, so I really just see this as her having interests that others dont share more than I see it as some sort of autism sign.

Secondly, can you even have "a touch of autism"?

Anyway, i got irritated with them all and took it out on the man I'm seeing. He is adamant that she is "a bit autistic". When i asked him to clarify what that meant he said "well she doesnt know when to stop talking about boring subjects and is a bit weird because she doesn't get board games or many of our jokes".

FFS. please tell me I was right to be a bit

OP posts:

CabbageLooking · 29/01/2013 15:49

It's a deeply insensitive way to use the term but to be fair Autism IS a spectrum and you can be more or less autistic (Aspergers for example, is a less severe form of Autism). Having said that, she doesn't have a diagnosis so they're using a medical term to highlight aspects of her personality that they don't like. Not a particularly pleasant thing to do.

CailinDana · 29/01/2013 15:52

Hmm I think it's better that they excuse her behaviour, no matter how clumsily, rather than getting annoyed at her or ostracising her. She does sound like she has slightly autistic traits tbh and that she would have trouble keeping friends if they didn't understand her foibles. I don't really consider being called "a bit autistic" an insult, although it might be more PC for them to say "She has autistic traits," or "we think she could be diagnosed with autism." I suppose there's no need for them to keep mentioning it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/01/2013 15:55

My DB has no diagnosis but is definitely on the spectrum. I might tell people meeting him if they thought he was odd, unfriendly or insensitive. This woman could well be on the spectrum too. Less likely to have been picked up since girls are less well served in that regard than boys.

nefertarii · 29/01/2013 16:01

Yanbu and this sort of thing pisses me off. I have aspergers but it is mild. So I am sure your friends would think I 'have a touch'.

But to actually label her without a diagnosis is Doug no one any favours. Some people are just different but labelling them is not helpful. It also doesn't help people who do have SN either.

I cone across so many people lately who have 'un diagnosed autism' its ridiculous. People are uses it as and excuse and to label people who simply don't conform.

You would label someone with a physical disability without actually knowing if they did have it.

nefertarii · 29/01/2013 16:03

You wouldn't label someone

lynniep · 29/01/2013 16:04

I think you may be being overly sensitive. They obviously like her, in spite of certain traits she displays, which may or may not suggest she's on the spectrum. They probably havent got anything better to talk about. It could be sooooo much worse. (I think DH is "a bit autistic" too and he agrees with me - this is because I know him and am used to his 'ways'.) I can see why its annoying if they keep bringing it up.

Pandemoniaa · 29/01/2013 16:04

Chucking terms like "a bit autistic" around is insensitive. She might, of course, be on the spectrum but equally she could be like a friend of mine who can also (unfortunately) monopolise conversations with relatively dull topics and not know when to listen, rather than talk. Her issues are nothing to do with being on the spectrum. Instead, she's been rather lonely in the past (I realise her behaviour and the loneliness are related!) and when she gets in a group she seems to have to try and fit a lifetime's worth of conversation into a relatively brief social event.

Having several friends whose dcs genuinely are on the spectrum, I'm always cautious about using autism as a label for anyone whose not very proficient socially.

Catsdontcare · 29/01/2013 16:04

Well it sounds like she may have autistic traits and they may be a bit clumsy in there description of it BUT they sound like they care about her very much and make an effort to include her so they don't sound like terrible people to me (my DB and ds are on the spectrum)

PandaOnAPushBike · 29/01/2013 16:13

It's probably worth bearing in mind that the majority of adults on the autistic spectrum won't have a diagnosis either. I didn't get mine until I was 38 and then only because I emigrated to a country where diagnostic services are far better than in the UK.

IceNoSlice · 29/01/2013 16:18

Why are you upset- simply at the use of the phrase? If so, ypu're said your bit. Ask them not to use the term around you. But if you're upset in some way at how they treat her that is more serious IMO and would justify you taking him/them to task.

CailinDana · 29/01/2013 16:28

Nefertarii - I think it would be pretty normal for people to speculate on whether someone has a physical disability. My sister has mild cerebral palsy and I've heard people say "It looks like she has CP," (before I clarified that she does) as a way of understanding her movements and her difficulty in doing certain things. People always try to understand each other's behaviour and using a known label like autism isn't necessarily insulting - it just helps people to place why a person behaves a certain way.

Yfronts · 29/01/2013 16:31

There is indeed a wide autistic spectrum. For all those with complex needs, there are far more with mild or low level autism. Many living bog standard lives. The national autistic website is a great source of information if your friends need info

WorraLiberty · 29/01/2013 16:33

Does it really matter?

If they think she may be mildly autistic (hence 'a touch') then they think what they think, don't they?

I think my brother is autistic, he thinks he might be too...my sister thinks not.

But why does it bother you?

snuffaluffagus · 29/01/2013 17:16

Unless they were saying it a mocking way, I don't think there's any malice behind what they're saying is there? They could phrase it more sensitively but I don't think they're being too out of line. Maybe she is on the autistic spectrum. Don't be too hard on him!

LessMissAbs · 29/01/2013 17:37

So they invite her along, while being aware of her differences and the fact she can sometimes be a bit boring/monotopic, but treat her as one of their gang of friends?

I think they sound lovely. People do have autism/Apsergers, and it is allowed to use that word. Better that than not to include someone because they can come across as odd.

blueemerald · 29/01/2013 18:18

I wonder if they say these things because they are worried that a newcomer won't like her? How does her brother refer to her? Does he mind?

Catchingmockingbirds · 29/01/2013 18:54

She could have some autistic traits maybe and she choses not to disclose other issues or a dx? Is it her brother that is saying she's quite autistic or just the friends taking a guess? Maybe the brother knows more about seperate issues she has but doesn't want to share them with everyone.

DS has Aspergers, that certainly isn't 'a little bit autistic' but some people seem determined to class it as that. DS has LDs, gross and fine motor function issues, sensory problems, speech and language issues, behaviour issues and all the other issues associated with AS such as social communication issues, food and sleep issues, etc yet because his dx is AS and not autism then people don't think it's serious and prefer to think of AS as being 'a little bit autistic' .

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