Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to feel my holiday is being taken over

33 replies

atarexia · 29/01/2013 13:11

Have nc for this in case people I know read this. A lot of infomation might not be relevant but thought it better to get as much background down as possible, not to drip feed etc.

OK, Dh, twins (age 4) and I are from UK but live in Germany and have done since twins were 1. Dh has a relative with 3 dc similar ages to our twins. We do not go back to our home town very often but mil and fil have visited us many times here (they are separated so dont come out together) : mil visits every 2 months or so and stayed with us for 15 days (!) over Christmas. I get on fine with mil, though a visit of few days is generally enough for me. Our twins are the only gc of my inlaws. The children of dh relative are the only gc of his and her parents.

As we live overseas our twins dont see much of their cousins so dh and I thought it would be good to get the 5 little people together for a holiday so they could spend time together. We booked a caravan on the beach near where we are from (and where most inlaws still live) so that cousins could all play etc and family could "pop in" for a while if they wanted to. All very exciting.

Mil, sil & partner, mother of relative (aunty of dh) & her husband and another aunt have all now booked into the same caravan park for the whole duration of our holiday. They all have somewhat forceful personalities. So finally getting to the point aibu to feel my holiday is being taken over and turned into something else?

This is the first holiday dh, twins and I have been on as a family, and its not much being a caravan holiday in April in the north east but it was our holiday. Now I just feel its being taken over, inlaws to tend to take over any gathering and I just feel trampled over. Noone asked how we felt about them joining us, they just booked it and presented it as a fait accompli.

Am only mentioning inlaws as my parents are both dead (just incase anyone would wonder how I would react if it was my parents/what they will be doing).

Apologies for the length, hope it makes sense!

OP posts:

Original poster

atarexia · 29/01/2013 13:13

Caravan park is max of 30 mins drive of where inlaws all stay btw, its not as though they "need" to stay there...

OP posts:

5Foot5 · 29/01/2013 13:17

Tricky one.

If the rest of the family don't see very much of you because of you living overseas then I can sort of understand thet they might see this as a good opportunit to all spend time together.

But I sympathise with your view that this is not what you expected and they might try to take it over.

Could you contact the parents of the other 3 DC - your DH's relative - and talk it over with them and make sure you have all agreed on plans of what you want to do during that week. Ensure you DH and his relatives are on side.

Then when you are on the holiday if the other ILs start trying to take over and say "Let's do this / Go there" or whatever the four of you put up a united front and say "No we had already planned to do this, this and this". So the ILs have to either tow the line and do what you all want or make their own entertainment.

MaxPepsi · 29/01/2013 13:18

See it as an opportunity to have one big happy family holiday.

I can see it from their point of view - they want to join in and possibly haven't taken into account that you might not have wanted them too?

Do you have any other family you could invite to even things out or close friends with kids?

DeWe · 29/01/2013 13:19

I suggest you lay down some regulations. We've found holidaying with other people it is best to have a rule that you only spend every other day together.

And if you have in laws that might just say "we'll join you" then don't tell them where you're going that day.

Or see if you can move your holiday a week earlier. You can say to them "must have been a mistake. Sorry."

ENormaSnob · 29/01/2013 13:20

I would be furious.

This is completely unacceptable imo.

Pandemoniaa · 29/01/2013 13:31

I understand how you feel but I'm not sure what you can do that won't cause offence. Only I can also understand that the various relatives would also want to spend time with you given that you don't get back to the UK very often.

However, I'd strongly suggest you come prepared with some sort of itinerary that means you won't be completely at the mercy of anyone who might control how you spend the holiday.

LemonBreeland · 29/01/2013 13:38

The fact that they live only half an hour away and have booked to stay means that they basically want to spend the whole week with you, so you will have to be very firm about having time to yourselves. It sounds like it will be difficult to do without upsetting people.

What does your DH think?

Original poster

atarexia · 29/01/2013 13:38

Thanks for replies, I have spoken to the wife of dh relative (was she and I who booked it so are in regular contact anyway)and she agrees with me, in that they shouldnt really have just booked it and that its not what we were really after in terms of our holiday. With regards what we will be doing when we are there and our plans, yes thats a good idea 5foot5 and tbh my dh will be happy to leave me to sort out where are going on what day etc so will arrange that with wife of dh relative. That will help a lot I think.

My dh sees it as an opportunity to have one big family holiday Maxpepsi, but I just cant. I didnt want a big holiday with all of them or would have suggested that to them I dont really have any family I can invite but I will suggest to some friends to join us at some parks/on the beach.

DeWe they will absolutely not under any circumstance accept only spending every other day together sadly! When they first heard about our holiday mil, sil and her partner suggested sleeping in our caravan! 5 adults 2 children in a caravan with one small bathroom/showerroom. Not sure where they thought they were all going to sleep! They are already a bit unhappy with me that I said no to that one. Was so tempted to say they got dates wrong but dh can only take that week off work sadly :s

Enorma, yes I veer between furious and sad about it.

Agree pandemoniaa theres nothing I can do about it really which makes me feel a bit, I dont know, not lloking forward to it as much. I will definately have an itinerary for every day though!

I do understand a bit that they dont see us very often, however they could still have seen us, just not booked in next to us!

OP posts:

PureQuintessence · 29/01/2013 13:39

I agree with 5Foot5.

Sadly you cant tell people where and when to holiday, but you can agree to not let this take over your holiday.

There is also no stopping you driving off to another destination for a night in a B&B in, say London, or Oxford, or Polperro, should you wish to do so.

Original poster

atarexia · 29/01/2013 13:41

Lemon, dh thinks its nice that they want to spend time with us. They will want to spend every minute together. he can sort of understand where I am coming from but thinks it will be fine!

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 29/01/2013 13:42

I would cancel and rebook a different site tbh.

Tough shit if there's a big fall out.

How anyone can think encroaching on someone else's holiday is reasonable behaviour is beyond me.

Inertia · 29/01/2013 13:43

Think you and mum of other little ones need to just go with what you were going to do, don't change your plans to accommodate the gatecrashing ILs.

GilmoursPillow · 29/01/2013 13:43

Babysitting opportunities? trying to be positive

Tryharder · 29/01/2013 13:45

This wouldnt bother me at all. I think extended family holidays are fab.

Original poster

atarexia · 29/01/2013 13:45

Quint, yes you are right, I dont have to let them take over. I will have plans for every day arranged, that will really help. Im not the best at being assertive when faced with a group, but I'll look on this as a learning experience!

OP posts:

Original poster

atarexia · 29/01/2013 13:47

Hmm maybe a different site but the same week would be an option ...

I know, I would never invite myself on someones holiday.

Im not sure any of the gatecrashers will want to /offer to sit in the caravan alone with sleeping 4 year olds but you never know!

OP posts:

GilmoursPillow · 29/01/2013 13:50

Pre-empt it OP, "How lovely that we'll all be together at the same time! It's wonderful that you'll be able to look after gc while we go out" With a big manic

Original poster

atarexia · 29/01/2013 13:54

Haha Gilmour, will say that as we arrive should set a the tone for the week :s

OP posts:

BlueberryHill · 29/01/2013 13:56

If you ask for babysitting often enough, they won't try this again.

My sympathies, you wanted a relaxing holiday and now have to gear yourself up so that ILs don't trample over your holiday. Good luck, please keep us updated.

Original poster

atarexia · 29/01/2013 14:01

Well twins are alseep by 7 usually, so 6pm uk time, it will be a long night for anyone babysitting so yes, not sure its their idea of how their night might go:s

Will update, yes :)

OP posts:

2rebecca · 29/01/2013 14:01

I think it's rude to invite yourself on someone else's holiday. If my dad did that I'd have a word with him and ask him not to do that again but to check before booking a holiday with us as sometimes we don't want a big gathering. I can't imagine any of my family doing it though.
When the inlaws asked about staying in your caravan that was your chance to say "no thanks we'd prefer to just keep it that we're holidaying with x and the kids and see you another time. Your husband should have done this but it sounds as though he didn't want to appear rude and wanted them to come anyway.
Next time you'll have to keep holiday plans secret from the other relatives, if the other couple you are going with agree to this I'd just sort out arrangements between you and don't tell the children or any other relatives. They don't need to know.

LemonBreeland · 29/01/2013 14:05

Oh definitely make them babysit. Surely they would want to do you a favour as they can't help you out at other times, what with you being so far away.

Practice being assertive get the other Mum on board and plan well.

Any chance you could leave early in the mornings for a couple of trips, surely the kids will be up bright and early? Maybe the ILS will have a lie in as they will be on hols. You wouldn't want to disturb them.

Xales · 29/01/2013 14:08

I have to agree if you don't want people turning up don't tell them where you are staying. I learnt this from bitter experience.

Imagine being a horny pair of teenagers away on a campsite for your boyfriends 18th.

You open the tent one morning, fuzzily think I recognise that car/caravan and it is his parents deciding to come and join you at the caravan park

fairylightsinthesnow · 29/01/2013 14:11

defnitely organise things in advance with the other mum and say, we are doing this today for the kids, if you want to come along fine but we will be staying this long, having lunch there etc. Make it clear that your plans for the little ones won't be messed up by any alternative ideas they may have about long pub lunches or whatever.

Original poster

atarexia · 29/01/2013 14:26

Wife of dh relative and I have already agreed that next time we just book and dont tell anyone!

Initially when they mentioned sharing, dh or I never thought they would go ahead and book their own accomodation. Thought when they couldnt share ours that would be the end of it! In hindsight I should have explained more thoroughly to them that we would see them at another time, yes.

The wee ones will be up early idd, and if any holidays here are anything to go by mil certainly likes to sleep in till 10ish..

Lol Xales!

Agree about making it clear what the deal is each day, where we will have lunch etc. Accomodating as dh is to his family he wont sit around trying to keep 2 wriggly kids amused while they have a coffee and a brandy, he would def say to them that they can catch us up later!

OP posts:

Flip

1 2